[AbyssWalker]

The narcissist in me.

So I just realised I'm a narcissist, it fits me “like a glove”. Initially I was deeply upset. I felt ashamed and a little ill. I really had no idea I was hurting people but I have done every single thing that narcissists apparently do. Believe me when I say hurting anybody was the last thing I ever wanted: I just wanted to be loved and I didn't care that other people have feeling too. But I have no idea how to react to pressure of any kind. The pressure of a conversation puts me into survival mode where I act completely on instinct, I am unable to process any thoughts in that situation/environment. I simply “am”. I now believe it to be the fear of being exposed.
Drinking with a “friend” and shitting all over everything and everyone (on a personal level) is akin to being a king in my experience.

I researched how to change and **** but that looks like a lot of work.

Then a new thought struck me, “well what if I don't care”. According to what I've read, it was this world that made me like this to begin with. Why should my life be all work just so that the rest of the world can have a slightly easier time of it. **** you world, what have you ever done for me anyway, go **** yourself, how's that! ****er.

It was a nice moment when I googled how to deal with a narcissist and recognized techniques that my own bloody sister uses on me! No wonder I always liked her, ****ing two faced *****! Showing me a nice front but really it was all just calculated maneuvering. This anger at her is just on the surface, naturally I'm deeply wounded. Maybe she just wanted me to be happy but still her fakeness hurts.

I will most likely become a hermit. It has been a secret aspiration of mine for a little while anyway. I clearly do not belong in society. I just don't fit.

It's oddly comforting to at least know what the hell is wrong with me. I've struggled with myself for a very long time. I always knew I hated myself. I thought it was the things I did that made me hate myself but now I see that I hated myself and that's why I did those things. It's Interesting.

Initially I thought I may be a sociopath because I don't really care what other people feel, just what they think of me. But my self loathing ruled that one out. When I was researching (and envying) them, I stumbled across the term narcissist. I decided to look it up. It was an odd mix of emotion as I read the traits and was faced with the undeniable fact that I am one. A weird mix of relief at finally belonging and disgust bordering on terror at what I am. Perfect irony that the group I belong to will for the most part, either never know or never accept what they are (my inner **** is getting a smile out of that).

Why am I able to stare unflinchingly at such a negative portrayal of myself? I think it's because I have always refused to rationalize my actions. I just never went deep enough until now. For instance I would ask myself “why did I trash my fiends kitchen last night” answer “because I knew it would be a lot of fun and it was hahahaha” I could have rationalized it a dozen ways but why bother, that was the truth as I saw it.

Now I can go deeper. I trashed it because 1. I knew it would be a lot of fun. 2. Ollie wanted to trash it and I wanted Ollie to continue thinking I was cool. 3. I believed fez would get over it and I didn't care that he would get into trouble 4. I had trashed a few other houses and I wanted to build on that reputation and for people in general to think I was a bit of a rogue.

I have tried not to shy away from who I am, I simply didn't know and I couldn't see it. Now that I know, I am able to accept it. From what I understand a lot of people rationalize their actions, I don't do that. That is the difference maybe?

Do not mistake me though, I am oh so logical when I'm thinking on my own. I discovered I am a narcissist on my own. If someone had said to me that I am a narcissist, I would have reacted very badly indeed (once they explained what it was). That's me in a nut shell, so calm and collected on my own; so volatile and almost frenzied while in company. After any socializing I agonize over how well i came across and I analyse how each action I took may have influenced each persons opinion. My need for them to approve of me is all consuming.

And I'd stab them in the back in a heartbeat if it would make a more valued friend smile.

[waiting4]

I understand you believe you're a Narcissist but several of the experiences you relate sound more like anti-social...self-loathing or not. In any case self diagnosis while sometimes personally satisfying, can be problematic...dx from a psychiatrist is really the only way to be sure what's going on with you, whether you choose to seek help/therapy or not.