[here today]

In addition to what used to be called PDNOS I have a condition that used to be called DDNOS, similar to DID but not so extreme. And in particular I have two “parts” that are narcissistic and don’t care about anybody but themselves and me, as they understand me.

Ten or twelve years ago when I wasn’t so aware of these parts and their separateness I felt possessed and even went to an exorcist. After I was diagnosed with DDNOS I read somewhere that feeling possessed is one of the symptoms.

At this point, after therapy with a dissociation specialist, I know my two “unwanted” parts fairly well. One I call Antisocial – a male character with the “look at me, I’m the greatest” aspect of narcissism. The other I call Female Snotty ***** and she is actually dangerous. Not usually to others. Mostly these separated characters have “acted in” more than acted out. And the vicious self-hatred from Female Snotty kept me on the straight and narrow as a little girl which was adaptive back then.

This forum has helped me, and the unwanted characters, a lot. They have attitudes and action tendencies which do not feel out of place here as they do in the rest of the world, even in my therapist’s office. I don’t usually let either of my characters “have” the body, because they do and say things which other people find unacceptable. Nevertheless, because they are (motivationally) separate I don’t know the kinds of things they know and the only way for me to find out is for them to be embodied. Then I can hear what they say and feel their energy. Unlike some people who have alters that talk with each other, my two unwanted characters don’t talk to me very much and vice versa. Sometimes they have just taken over – generally not a good thing to do – when there are extreme circumstances that feel life-threatening to me.

I’m trying to learn to appreciate them more and understand their purpose. There has to be one, otherwise why would they have behavior at all? But I guess they feel I might not agree with or accept their purpose if I knew it. Straight and narrow, goody-two-shoes. So that’s why they stay separate and don’t tell me!

They are survival modes. When the family-of-origin and be-thoughful-of-others ethics didn’t want them they stayed around anyway. For my survival. It seems very illogical than any organism should hate themselves or their survival. Yet, that’s what I do more often than not. Not very appreciative of me, no wonder they refuse to help me? “But you’re so conceited,” I could say to Antisocial, or “You hurt people”, I could say to Female Snotty. “Yes, and. . .”, they might respond. “There are reasons for that and I don’t do those things very much.”

They are there for a reason.

[leomama]

That's a pretty amazing analysis. I've been wrestling a lot with my super ego/inner critic/critical parent. My dad was a narc and often times I find myself having to tell him to shut up inside my own head. I had what were called narc fleas so my psyche sometimes resembled a three ring circus . Thank you for this post.

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[Atypical_Disaster]

I hate the sheer amount of judgment that society at large can and do hurl at people for doing what they needed to do to survive. It's complete BS.

This forum has helped me, and the unwanted characters, a lot. They have attitudes and action tendencies which do not feel out of place here as they do in the rest of the world, even in my therapist’s office. I don’t usually let either of my characters “have” the body, because they do and say things which other people find unacceptable. Nevertheless, because they are (motivationally) separate I don’t know the kinds of things they know and the only way for me to find out is for them to be embodied. Then I can hear what they say and feel their energy. Unlike some people who have alters that talk with each other, my two unwanted characters don’t talk to me very much and vice versa. Sometimes they have just taken over – generally not a good thing to do – when there are extreme circumstances that feel life-threatening to me.

The issue here seems to be one of control, as so often seems to be the case when I read your posts here. To actually let those unintegrated parts of you have a voice has always been dangerous, it's why they're so dissociated from your conscious self in the first place.

Think about the phrase "let go". I know it's cliche, but seriously, think about it. What would that look like for you in dealing with this whole thing?

There is no shame in doing what you had to do to survive. Anyone who tries to shame you for it needs to take a look in the mirror themselves and deal with their own **** instead of judging you for doing what was obviously necessary for you to survive and function in the world.

Everyone on this earth has their reasons. You could say that even about whoever you think is the most evil person you know of. He/she had their reasons. It may be totally ****ed up, totally twisted, but they had reasons that were valid to them none the less.