Control is the root of all evil(not quoting, just summarizing).. Way to hit it on the head Vonmoxie, I appreciate what you wrote here!!

[Nada w]

Originally Posted by Swedishtoe

I'm new on here and wondering what makes someone with a true narcissist personality lose her temper ?

I was with a N for close to three years. First they start of so loving and attentive. They make you feel like you are their everything. Then they turn on a dime. I will say they are very good liars. What they say about you is what they tend to feel about themselves. I was told I was "needy" yet he is 31 and cant live without someone supporting him. Mine was abusive as well. I would catch him on chats with other girls and it would turn into a huge argument, one of which I ended up physically hurt.
He would tell me I don't turn him on and that he is not into sex and deny me months at a time. Yet I would catch him on meetme.com which is basically a hook up site. I would avoid an N if you can. It will only hurt you in the end. I did hours and hours of research on them and tried to convince myself that I could change him, he was different than the others.
The reason some of us believe this is because they can throw on the tears when necessary. They will act like they are good people but step back and observe. Mine would say how much he loved his parents and yet he would bleed them for every dime they had. He went to jail for being violent with his mother. When we are the person in the circle we don't see it from the third party perspective. The most intelligent of us can make some really stupid choices. When we love someone we have rose colored glasses. From day one my friends didn't like him. In fact most people didn't. I would say "he is so selfless" and they would say "really? that's not my perspective." I would say if you have not grown feelings of love for this person and you believe them to be an N. Run!

[Hearthewn_Paladin]

Greetings.

I've received a multiple diagnoses of personality disorders from various psychiatrists recently. They've varied somewhat, but the one I've received most often is NPD, though the most recent was simply 'mixed personality disorder'. Nevertheless, I did meet enough criteria for NPD in the recent diagnosis, too.

What do I think of the NPD diagnosis? Well, honestly, it doesn't really bother me at all. Actually, I rather like the idea of being a narcissist because it feels like the label validates me when I look down on the world for not going my way; I like that I'm deviant. However, apparently I'm more of a vulnerable narcissist, as I spend a lot of envying others and lamenting what I don't have. I'm in therapy because I also have depression and A LOT of anger, and that's getting in the way of my goals.

What do I want? Power, above all—wealth, influence, physical strength, and other kinds of worldly success...all of it, and the satisfaction of using my power to shape the world as I desire to be. Admiration, too, and that of millions. I wasn't celebrated enough to my satisfaction when I was growing up. It seemed like everyone else got their time on stage receiving the praise of an applauding audience, whereas insufficient talent in the eyes of others or simply fate prevented me from receiving the same as other children. At any rate, power and admiration are more important to me than morality and love (from what I know of the last; I don't experience a lot of it), though I generally follow rules and laws because I want to avoid the shame of being convicted of wrongdoing or crime (besides having a criminal conviction obstruct my goals). Sometimes, though, there are outbursts, and when that happens, I'll happily steamroll anyone who gets in my way.

I'm currently in a DBT programme, though my psychologist is also familiar with schema therapy, and may be using some elements of that as well. So far, it's been helping me cope with the extreme emotions when they come and preventing me from getting into trouble. As far as I'm concerned, what I want to get out of therapy is suffering less. I would never give up or tone down my ambitions for success, and my psychologist has emphasised that he doesn't want me to do so, because if he did, I'd make committing suicide a high priority.

Anyhow, that's me. I'm curious to meet other people who maybe experience some of the same stuff.

[Anne19]

I've been with someone I suspect has strong narcissistic traits a year...known him several years before as on off friends, lovers etc. We got engaged fall last year, broke up and he moved out of my place march as I had rage side effects from anxiety medication i was on, he moved out..he originally asked me to take the meds so I'd stop worrying about him when he works late...because I'd call a lot...after we broke up, we see each other again over march and say we are going to repair our relationship....I see msgs in his tablet to other girls....all on days he claimed he couldn't talk to me on the phone cause I argue too much. But he found time to flirt. By May, he's needs money for an emergency, I can't give it to him. So he sleeps with his ex to convince her to give him money (he was with her as fwb for years for money...he says he never gave her a ring because he's not attracted...his brother confirmed this). He tells me after. I forgive him because we are technically broken up still....but I blow up at him in person about the tablet messages to girls and scratch his arms. He ignores me after.
We make up in June and have sex.
The same day we make up and agree to work on us, he sleeps with another girl because again he has another emergency and wants to sweet talk her to give him money that I don't have.
He tells me we aren't technically engaged at the moment (this was june) and because I worked as a dancer it's the same as him sleeping with girls. I said it's not because I don't have any sex...oral or regular. He insisted dancing is the same as what he does....sleeping with exes who loan him money.
Eventually he admits he's wrong and we move in again end of june. I gave up my place for him. We say we're engaged again...we put up new Facebook pics. He says he deleted instagram instead of adding me.
He loses his job mid summer 2016, I help him out numerous occasions with money from my dancing. He starts to disappear for three days at a time doing his new driving job he gets, ignoring my calls not calling, and barely texting and returning each time explaining he has to stay with friends because I argue too much. A cycle begins where I blow up into extreme fits of rage over my frustration...over what he put me through. Each time he disappears and comes home, I blow up because he's gone. He says my blowing up is a reason he has to leave for 2-3 days each time to go to his guy friends.
Eventually I stop blowing up, he still leaves every week for several days saying he doesn't like to be controlled or told when to come home, I say if he wants to marry, he needs to answer to someone, especially because he keeps saying he wants me to get pregnant and have his baby...the main reason he sees me as his wife and gave me a ring back in fall 2015. To move in with him, I gave up my apt, so i have nowhere to go. Three months go by until Oct 2016 where he leaves every week for several days...always saying he can't be controlled...but still wanting me physically...still wanting me to wear my ring...still saying he dreams of me having his child. I finally leave Nov and go out of state to live with my mother. He texts me randomly throughout the month accusing me of being with guys because I don't text right away. I tell him he has no business saying that cause I moved because he abandoned me, refused to answer the phone when I lived with him, and came and left as he wanted. During the time he did this, I found dinner receipts charged under an exes name. I screamed at him over all the lies. He insisted I'm crazy and it was just to pay her back. I felt like I lost my mind that day,..scratched him...hit him.
This past month Dec, I ask if i can stay at his place on the couch to look for jobs, since I quit dancing and want to do sales jobs again. He says he's ready to get our marriage certificate and agrees with my previous suggestion from a month ago, that we hold onto it for a few months to motivate us to go to therapy and get help until right before it expires and then get married if we can fix our relationship. We go get the marriage application. He loses half the day he could have worked getting it. Next day his car glass gets shattered. He uses his car for work. He calls me asking for money because rent is due the next day. I say no at first because I lent him money many times over the summer and he disappeared for days after, and I'm down to a low amount of money because I'm not dancing anymore...esp since he said he didn't like it and that's why he disappeared all summer. He gets upset and says he'll have to visit friends all night I break down at the end of the convo offering money but he talks over me and hangs up. He doesn't come home that night...he doesn't come home three days....so i go back to my mothers out of state....he admits he saw another friend he slept with and convinced to give him money.
I am furious. He doesn't seem to care at all when just a few days before we got a marriage application ready to sign when we make it official a few months later and he said he wanted me to have his child.
I told him I understand he has no family to turn to like me in emergency money situations and the last day to pay rent was the day after his car glass was broken and he uses his car for work, but it's not acceptable to just sleep with exes and get money from them when he has a fiance...that we could have found another way to get the money for rent together.
I told him I dont want to see him again unless it's in therapy.
He said sorry once in text, has not called once, and only texts me. He said that he feels bad I'm affected so much by his actions. Other than that, not much accountability.

Ugh. I don't know...is therapy worth it? I'm broke and have no income, a going on interviews for day jobs, don't want to dance anymore, i can put aside a day to go to therapy each week with him, but I have to go out of state to go with him because I plan to move back there in my own place when I get more money.
I asked him why he hasn't called since I last saw him and he always acts too busy. I told him if he can't even call, how can he say he loves me. He never liked calling and says he won't call cause I argue too much....we have to plan phone calls ahead. ..this is how it's always been...ugh

Is therapy even going to help...if he even goes with me?

[Pyramid50]

Can someone help me??
Ive been married for 10 years and I feel like its been an eternity.
I honestly dont know if my husband is a narcissist, has a personality disorder,
Bipolar? Or if he just inherited his dads screwed up gene pool.
Some days are good but more so bad. All i can do is give examples and see what
Comes of it...
We took our grandaughter to a movie and i told him we would just go in and get a seat saved while he got popcorn and drinks, we were waiting a good bit inside
And he still hadnt came so i checked my phone thinking maybe he text needing help but nothing. A while longer passed and no sign of him finally i get a text saying he was leaving and he hopes we enjoy the show oh and our snacks were
At bottom of the theater. Wtf??? I asked him he said he couldnt find us and was pissed cause he kept yelling and i didnt answer. I said why didnt you just text me i would have told you. He ruined my special time with my grandaugter and of course it was my fault.

He has no empathy and its getting harder to live with. He doesn't apologize and
Shows no compassion if im crying. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive again never apologizing.

One day i wanted to go to the fair and just have a nice normal day well
I went to the kitchen and noticed the freezer had been left open all night cause everything was ruined. I told him sbout it thinking he would be bothered ad we would just replace what was lost. WRONG!
He flew into a rage saying his day was ruined and he dodnt want to go anywhere
That all he does is spend money and cursing and slamming stuff that went on for about 20 min. (It was him that didnt close it back all the way)
I dodnt say it but i know it was...i have OCD and i check everything. Ive caught
Him not closing it back before. But again he wont own it. We wound up going to fair but by then my mood had soured and he robbed me of a nice day. But he acted like nothing had happened just an hour before.

My parents are elderly snd my mother has early alzheimers, my sister helps them and i go by to check in as i can. Theres been s few times when i would go by and he would ***** about using gas

We had to go to get my granddaughter to a rehearsal one day and her mom asked if we could stop by her work so she could see herin her outfit.
We were pressed for time and i was trying to gps directions
And my husband kept picking away at me until i broke and cried
I told him i was doing my best and he just coldly said "no you're not"

I can go on and on but i think i already typed too much to read.
I even thought it may be asbergers. Im exhausted and i want to be happy.

[MuseumGhost]

Hugs, pyramid, hon...I'm not a diagnosed sufferer, but am just here reading about what people endure as a result of this disorder.

I would suggest getting some support and counselling for yourself. You're dealing with an exceedingly difficult situation here, and possibly even an escalating and dangerous one.

Local mental health organizations, and especially Women's shelters, are often set up to help provide assistance in situations like yours.

I hate the thought of you and your grandchildren being exposed to and harmed by this type of an individual. His situation might be very complex---and you've got better odds of getting support for yourself than you do of seeing him seeking out help on his own.

[SoulSurvivor]

Hi all - there's interesting discussion. I'm not on the NPD spectrum, but am on the flip side of the coin as a (recovering) co-dependent. Just like Echo and Narcissus, the narcissists from my past and myself fit together perfectly.

As a non N, and relationship and friendship partner of many folks on the NPD spectrum, I can offer a slightly different point of view that hopefully is helpful?

Speaking from my experience and learnings/professional help, ladies and gentlemen can lie anywhere along a wide spectrum. We all have some narcissitic tendencies of course. Some folks have a kind of "healthy" narcissism, some might be further along with a bit of "unhealthy" narcissism which doesn't mean that they necessarily affect anyone else besides themselves or sometimes they do, some folks display a large spectrum of BPD symptoms, some folks would call themselves a narcissist or BPD demonstrating the symptoms described in the most current DSM, some may be further along and lean towards malignant and/or sadistic narcissism and then others go all the way toward the sociopath side.

Some folks affect others and may use them, and some do not. Some function on a higher level and some on a lower level. Some are more aware of themselves and some have buried things very very deeply and may not always be consciously aware. Some are covert and some are overt. Some are quiet and some are bubbly and charismatic. Some hurt others on purpose which gives them enjoyment and others do not at all. Some people may misuse or overuse the term as well. There's just such a diversity, and it's even more complex because we're all individuals and cannot simply be pigeon holed and categorized so simply.

My experiences have led me to believe that in no way does narcissist/NPD=bad or evil person. I have never observed an automatic correlation, and I do believe the name unduly gets a bad rap from the get-go. Just as we all suffer with our own maladies, so do the NPD folks, from my experiences. Kind of like a coping mechanism because of difficulties from their family of origin or perhaps some trauma or abuse. I feel closely related in that sense as a co-dependent who went through the same thing but adopted a different unhealthy coping mechanism....

I suspect, as always, wether someone has an identified mental illness or not, if they are harming you or others in any way, you must take care of yourself and those in need of your help first. That's really not something that only applies with NPD folks because not everyone hurts others, and other mental illnesses and folks without an identified mental illness can do the same. Therefore, in my experience, that's not a clear identifier of a narcissist.

The folks I was with who ended up being the most severe and malignant narcissists were often covert and very hard to identify, especially for folks without prior experience. They can wear many masks and they can have tricks up their sleeves that you might never have imagined. Many stories and articles are written about people who were married to a narcissist or have narcissistic family members or friends that they didn't come to understand for years, sometimes decades. Some folks I know who are on the spectrum are nothing like that, with dark whitty senses of humour and won't hesitate to set you in your place. lol

The only thing that I can honestly say about helping someone identify folks with NPD if they don't tell you themselves or maybe don't know it themselves, is simply - your gut feel. The false self is presented. Especially if you're a sensitive-type person, you listen to yourself and pay attention to your deep inner feelings, and it's amazing how many times it's right. Something might not feel quite right, maybe a little twitchy feeling, something might feel just a little out of place, might feel like a piece of the puzzle is missing, something might just irk you or nag a wee bit at the back of your brain - if that makes any sense!?! Lol This may or may not happen immediately, but always seems to happen as more and more time passes. I'm sure folks will often tell people to listen to their guts anyways, so it's best to do anyways in all situations.

Hopefully that's helpful in some form for folks? I myself am always learning more and more about myself and my community around me, so take my experiences with a grain of salt.

[NothingPeopleDo]

Originally Posted by SoulSurvivor

Hi all - there's interesting discussion. I'm not on the NPD spectrum, but am on the flip side of the coin as a (recovering) co-dependent. Just like Echo and Narcissus, the narcissists from my past and myself fit together perfectly.

As a non N, and relationship and friendship partner of many folks on the NPD spectrum, I can offer a slightly different point of view that hopefully is helpful?

Speaking from my experience and learnings/professional help, ladies and gentlemen can lie anywhere along a wide spectrum. We all have some narcissitic tendencies of course. Some folks have a kind of "healthy" narcissism, some might be further along with a bit of "unhealthy" narcissism which doesn't mean that they necessarily affect anyone else besides themselves or sometimes they do, some folks display a large spectrum of BPD symptoms, some folks would call themselves a narcissist or BPD demonstrating the symptoms described in the most current DSM, some may be further along and lean towards malignant and/or sadistic narcissism and then others go all the way toward the sociopath side.

Some folks affect others and may use them, and some do not. Some function on a higher level and some on a lower level. Some are more aware of themselves and some have buried things very very deeply and may not always be consciously aware. Some are covert and some are overt. Some are quiet and some are bubbly and charismatic. Some hurt others on purpose which gives them enjoyment and others do not at all. Some people may misuse or overuse the term as well. There's just such a diversity, and it's even more complex because we're all individuals and cannot simply be pigeon holed and categorized so simply.

My experiences have led me to believe that in no way does narcissist/NPD=bad or evil person. I have never observed an automatic correlation, and I do believe the name unduly gets a bad rap from the get-go. Just as we all suffer with our own maladies, so do the NPD folks, from my experiences. Kind of like a coping mechanism because of difficulties from their family of origin or perhaps some trauma or abuse. I feel closely related in that sense as a co-dependent who went through the same thing but adopted a different unhealthy coping mechanism....

I suspect, as always, wether someone has an identified mental illness or not, if they are harming you or others in any way, you must take care of yourself and those in need of your help first. That's really not something that only applies with NPD folks because not everyone hurts others, and other mental illnesses and folks without an identified mental illness can do the same. Therefore, in my experience, that's not a clear identifier of a narcissist.

The folks I was with who ended up being the most severe and malignant narcissists were often covert and very hard to identify, especially for folks without prior experience. They can wear many masks and they can have tricks up their sleeves that you might never have imagined. Many stories and articles are written about people who were married to a narcissist or have narcissistic family members or friends that they didn't come to understand for years, sometimes decades. Some folks I know who are on the spectrum are nothing like that, with dark whitty senses of humour and won't hesitate to set you in your place. lol

The only thing that I can honestly say about helping someone identify folks with NPD if they don't tell you themselves or maybe don't know it themselves, is simply - your gut feel. The false self is presented. Especially if you're a sensitive-type person, you listen to yourself and pay attention to your deep inner feelings, and it's amazing how many times it's right. Something might not feel quite right, maybe a little twitchy feeling, something might feel just a little out of place, might feel like a piece of the puzzle is missing, something might just irk you or nag a wee bit at the back of your brain - if that makes any sense!?! Lol This may or may not happen immediately, but always seems to happen as more and more time passes. I'm sure folks will often tell people to listen to their guts anyways, so it's best to do anyways in all situations.

Hopefully that's helpful in some form for folks? I myself am always learning more and more about myself and my community around me, so take my experiences with a grain of salt.

Well said!!

[here today]

Originally Posted by SoulSurvivor

. . .
The folks I was with who ended up being the most severe and malignant narcissists were often covert and very hard to identify, especially for folks without prior experience. They can wear many masks and they can have tricks up their sleeves that you might never have imagined. Many stories and articles are written about people who were married to a narcissist or have narcissistic family members or friends that they didn't come to understand for years, sometimes decades. Some folks I know who are on the spectrum are nothing like that, with dark whitty senses of humour and won't hesitate to set you in your place. lol

The only thing that I can honestly say about helping someone identify folks with NPD if they don't tell you themselves or maybe don't know it themselves, is simply - your gut feel. The false self is presented. Especially if you're a sensitive-type person, you listen to yourself and pay attention to your deep inner feelings, and it's amazing how many times it's right. Something might not feel quite right, maybe a little twitchy feeling, something might feel just a little out of place, might feel like a piece of the puzzle is missing, something might just irk you or nag a wee bit at the back of your brain - if that makes any sense!?!

I tend to be more codependent/idealistic, too, though I could feel an NPD-ish aspect to myself before I became more fully aware of it.

I agree that the most severe and malignant are the covert types -- like my mother, grandmother, and aunts and myself to a certain extent. Even if it's not full-blown NPD, the way people defend against and retaliate against hits to their ego is much more insidious, to me, when it's covert.

I also agree about the importance of the gut feel. I "needed" to numb mine out as a child, so I didn't clue my female family members into the fact that I didn't trust them, which would have been an offense to their (caretaker) ego, which would have been "bad" for me -- meaning, I guess, that they would dump "bad"/shame on me. None of this very conscious for them, I believe. Still hurtful.

My father likely had full-blown NPD but it was NOT covert. Lots of things about him were problematic but never so hurtful and confusing as what I got from the others. Again, I also believe there is wide variation in how people with NPD behave and interact with others that I don't see the literature taking into account.

[ABeautifulMind5150]

Im living with a narcissistic boyfriend and it has destroyed me. It feels like im going crazy and i know im not. Im so very frazzled from his mental abuse. Please help

[Apoplectic INFP]

Is it just me, or do a lot more people exhibit narcissism in the world, than other personality disorders? It looks to me like its the most talked about personality disorder...

[Apoplectic INFP]

Originally Posted by ABeautifulMind5150

Im living with a narcissistic boyfriend and it has destroyed me. It feels like im going crazy and i know im not. Im so very frazzled from his mental abuse. Please help

A few things I need to find out:

1) Is he cheating on you and lying a lot?
2) How soon after your relationship began, did you decide to move in with him, or him you?
3) And lastly, do your friends and family generally approve of him?

I have lived with a narcissistic girl friend before. Nasty piece of work she. Certified liar

[GoneGirl711]

I am having such a hard time with the lack of empathy thing. I keep praying he will see how he has and is hurting me and regret it or show me some remorse. Anything...just show me something other than a cold callously sometimes psychopathic person..

Originally Posted by SoulSurvivor

My experiences have led me to believe that in no way does narcissist/NPD=bad or evil person. Just as we all suffer with our own maladies, so do the NPD folks, from my experiences. Kind of like a coping mechanism because of difficulties from their family of origin or perhaps some trauma or abuse.

Many stories and articles are written about people who were married to a narcissist or have narcissistic family members or friends that they didn't come to understand for years, sometimes decades.

The only thing that I can honestly say about helping someone identify folks with NPD if they don't tell you themselves or maybe don't know it themselves, is simply - your gut feel.

I have been hesitant to talk about this here but this is my struggle right now. When I am honest to the person I am in a struggle with about things that have been done that don't feel right--I am told I only feel this way because I have the mental problem. We both have problems. I didn't understand what was going on for decades. I only became interested in pyschological things after my attempt. Work and children has always been both of our focuses--
not worrying about our emotions or feelings. Having not dealt with or understood our issues and, more seriously, the fact that this person feels like the problems in our family are totally the result of my MI makes me unhopeful about our situation. I have been in crisis for days and days but am keeping it together (will not make a stupid move again) because there are many in my life I will never abandon. Not even sure I can abandon the narcissist (I hate this word ). It tears me apart. I would be dead if he hadn't called 911 when he found me.

[Apoplectic INFP]

Originally Posted by TooMuchPain

what would be the first clue that someone might have this disorder? Is it their obvious charm or their less obvious desire to manipulate and control you... (or something else entirely?) How can I recognize people who have this disorder before I get taken again as I have been before?

Do you always end up with a narcissist? That being the case, perhaps you may have codependency issues which you need to see a specialist for. Maybe.

At any rate, narcissists seem to have one thing in common regardless of race, gender, or creed; They dont respect people's boundaries. Do not allow anyone to rush intimacy with you, no matter how charming they may be.

[Apoplectic INFP]

Originally Posted by ABeautifulMind5150

Im living with a narcissistic boyfriend and it has destroyed me. It feels like im going crazy and i know im not. Im so very frazzled from his mental abuse. Please help

Dump him forthwith and avoid his supporters. Also don't expect any explanation or apologies from him; some things are best left unsaid lest you should be charmed and roped in for more narcissistic abuse. Go kick butt!

[diane7260]

Hello
I don't know where to start, so I'll just jump in. I came to this site to find support for myself, because I have come to believe my 36 year old daughter has Narssessisitic Personality Disorder.

Her situation was a perfect storm to develop the disorder. Her father was narcissistic and she was everything to him. Of course, because she was important to him, she had to be important to everyone, in the world. This went beyond the normal father loves and is proud of his daughter. And me, I just went along with it all to keep the peace. At 3, her father had a massive brain hemorrhage.

Raising her was like constantly walking on egg shells. It was so difficult to correct her in anything, cause cause she would perceive it as a threat as to how she saw things.

Now she is 36 years old. She gets so enraged for what I see as nothing. She got mad, for example, cause I did housework. I was ignoring her. There is no defending myself to her or rationalizing with her. And once things die down and she needs something or just wants attention, she comes to me like nothing happened. This is how it's been

I physically can't do this anymore. I have heart failure and this has too many devastating effects on me. And I can not go on.

Now I know, and understanding, my responsibility in all this. And I have allowed this to happen partly because of the guilt. So please don't go pointing fingers and blaming. I am pass that now. I have put up boundaries -small ones but boundaries and she is not happy with me. I know she is totally unhappy with herself and her life. She has a mega ego but no self esteem and I love her so much.

help?

[Worriedmama]

My ex has npd, and I am concerned that my teenager son is showing signs. He creates lies and believes them. My kids always feel a need to check in with their Dad 15 times a day. How can I help my kids

[Stewieleiws]

Hi I'm new to this forum but I really need some help. I've been inactive relationship for nearly 2 years with a man I now believe has NPD. I've read loads of stuff about it and all the things mentioned sounds a hell of a lot like him and the way he behaves but I need to be sure because I don't know if it's just plain old jealousy and insecurity or real narcissism.
He's very jealous and true to control me even down to how I wear my clothes , I'm not allowed to talk to certain men at work ( we work together) he's always accusing me of cheating , he doesn't like me going out without him , he belittles me and makes out I'm incapable and that I can't manage with out him. He believes he's the best at everything and talks over me if I'm talking in crowed . When he sees I'm upset it's like he looks right through me and doesn't seem to care. He looks down on some of the management at our work place too and I think he feels threatened by other men in power or attractive men. There is lots more but it would fill this entire page !!
I want to end the relationship but I feel awful because he's done a lot for me financially. Please advise if I'm right or being unfair. Thank you

[Johnhugh]

I got involved with someone, who I ended up renting a house with. I even dolce my own house to move closer to be with her. She has a daughter, and I do too, so we would spend most of our relationship doing parent days out. Very few romantic times. We were together for 2 and a half years. At the beginning she was very lovely, put in a lot of effort, even paying for everything, including an expensive holiday abroad. Like paradise.
That was in the early months. Lots of holding hands, sex and relationship stuff. We even got engaged within 6 months. But she ‘lost’ the ring. (I don’t believe her) and I stupidly got another. A year later. She would not Wear it on her left hand. Oh so many lies and manipulation.
But she would disappear for days. And wasn’t honest about where she was. She had an ‘illness’ she told me that required her to go for regular hospital overnight stays. I never knew how much it was true. She would use this for the duration of the relationship as a way to go off radar. I never once could accompany her to the appointment.
She wouldn’t let me. Always gave an excuse.
I became her childcare on a Day a week when working from home and regular times over the weekends, while she worked or did ‘hospital’
We stopped having sex after about 6 months of the relationship. She wouldn’t let me touch her. She didn’t like holding hands, cuddling...was always on her phone. I couldn’t complain about it or I was ‘controlling her’.
Then only about twice again did we have sex in the last 2 years.. So the last year of relationship we had it only once.

Possible trigger:

And then, she got pregnant from that one time. (For the second pregnancy in our 2 years together) (third if you count the one she had and didn’t tell me about - I saw an appointment on her emails about it. Shocking!
6 months later I was made to pay for an abortion,

for ‘specialists’ to be present in the room for her condition. Over £2,000. I to this day feel conned from then alone. Many other instances of her taking my money. Thousands. Paying her car off. Paying half for furniture which she paid and got receipt for.
She slept in ‘our house’ at most a day or two a week. Living at her families house down the road, leaving me alone. and not video chatting. Never. Sometimes phone calls, but usually texts.
When she stayed, she let me ‘massage’ her. That was it. Never anything more and never have anything back. Complete u- turn from the beginning. That was our relationship. Me the massager.
She would display so many of the narcissist symptoms.
Lying about where she was. Gaslighting me. . Making me think I was ‘controlling’ or being negative for ever asking where she was. Or challenging her.
She would be on the phone to me, and come off, saying something came up and ‘I’ll call you back’
And never doing it. It happened often too when we were due to meet to go out. Last minute cancelling. And I let her use me like this. And I have sane mind! I was addicted to her. She would shower me and anyone close to her with gifts. Spending hundreds. But that would be my money in the end. I realised.
She never introduced me to her best friends. Only one friend. But that was once.
I did meet her family, but just assume they were all part of her narcissist ways.
She would expect me to drive her and pick her up, always. She had a licence and a car, but said it made a noise/ excuses why she didn’t drive it.
She had another man friend, again who she didn’t introduce to me. Kept him separate. Said he was like an uncle. Close to her family. The child’s godfather. He would give up work to do anything for her. Creepy
And I would be expected to do the same. Often. It was like she would wait for an important event, then phone me up just before to either get me to cancel or make me feel so guilty if I didn’t. And then o would have the aggressive side to her.
She stole money from me. She spent it on expensive designer goods on herself and family.

Possible trigger:

Her ex boyfriend 6 months prior to me killed himself. And whilst together another ‘admirer’ attempted suicide.

I could never confront or talk about these Things with her. Or money. She would sometimes get angry and violent/ using language I had never heard come from a woman. And punch me. Leaving me with throbbing arm. And almost scared of her in case the rage would come out. Yet when with others, she would be sweet and little girl like almost.
If I complained she would say I was ‘weak’ or something similar.
I learnt how to keep her sweet.

Possible trigger:

She had self harm marks all up her arm. From her past where she had been raped as a teenager she said.

And he cut all her hair off. So she always went for hair extensions to replace. A damaged person from her past in lots of ways.

But a few final straw moments happened. Some of her lies caught up with her.
I spoke to a relationship helpline and when I said all this to them, they said ‘sounds like a narcissist’ . Leave her. Block her. And go ‘no contact’. Within 24 hours I was gone.
And only emailed her a week later to tell her that I was posting the keys back. never replied since. Actually we had argued a lot and she would say ‘we aren’t getting on, you need to get your own flat’ so she actually said this when I was moving out. So I said ‘yes ok’ which took her by surprise. I was her fee childcare, free rent, free car ride....
She has tried emailing me, posting photos of her with my daughter as her profile pic on social media for me to see (I have looked, but plan on going fully no contact- total blocks and try to forget. so not even peaking, but I wanted to see what she was up to, as fear for revenge for me daring to leave. I called the police to be aware when I was moving as when she found out she threatened sending her dad out.)

She was beautiful. She was much younger than me. And made me feel special to be with her.
There would have been too much to change of her to make it work. She still expects me to go back.
This has now been 3 weeks. But she had completely manipulated me, and lied about so much.
I have been getting through this with my close friends. anyway, I am restarting my life without her. It is hard. I was very involved. But it wasn’t healthy.

[bloat]

Hi,
I'm positive my female partner is high in the covert NPD spectrum. We've been together 3 years and have a toddler. I would run screaming in horror if it weren't for my daughter. I've given it much thought, and I know I would give my life for my child.

It seems everyone says to bail the narc, but I cannot leave my child to the cycle of abuse, since mothers almost always get majority custody in most states.

I am so worried about when my daughter becomes independent. That's when the heavily manipulation begins. I feel I need to be there as a counter-balance to this covert abuse.

I have a resilient personality and have done a decent amount of research on NPD, and believe I can weather the abuse until my daughter is old enough to make decisions in the eyes of the courts.

Any thoughts or advice?

Thanks!

[AdultDaughterOfNarc]

Hi, was wondering if you know where I can find the discussion between the 2 Ns?
I’d really appreciate it!

Something I have found useful was in another thread here... a discussion between 2 N's.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by DocJohn

Welcome to a safe place to discuss narcissistic personality disorder and related issues:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Symptoms & Treatments

Enjoy,
DocJohn

Thank you for this information.

[Repentive]

there is reason to believe that I'm a narcissist. I regret when I hurt people. I am in the process of overcoming this maladaptive way of life. I am deeply regretful of all the sorrow I've caused. I guess I am seeking compassion to support me in overcoming.

[Repentive]

Originally Posted by Mouse_

I'm hesitant to get involved when I read posts wanting to label someone with narcissistic disorder. Especially reading such comments as having to deal with it since they were a child, makes me think, can a child be born narcissistic? I mean apart from the normal state of narcissism we are born into? I wonder at times if perhaps the pattern is continuing into the child's adulthood? The family only seeing the child as "using" the rest of the family when infarct a child will of course need to "use" family as thats what children do until they mature and learn that others are people too, but to expect that from a child, well is pretty near-sighted and narcissistic in itself? Perhaps if there was real genuine family concern, one perhaps would want to look at ways to help the family member rather than just label them? Or are they at a stage where they themselves don't know what to do, are unable to think through any more? Or where they always at a stage where they were tired of the family members wants and needs and didn't want to even begin to think through issues with the family member as they arose? I get the impression a lot of people want to be thrown the narcissistic label like a life belt and then they can claim "victim status" and fill secure in their own minds they were the ones being done too and not the ones that did too also? Perhaps we all in this together and more compassion and understanding may change the pattern that I see repeated often. Of course this are only my own personal feelings on the matter, some who have a genuine interest in wanting to understand another may agree, or others that have no real altruistic desire will just dismiss all of what I say, because it suits them for it to be like that.

I may well be a "covert" narcissist. It does seem like the whole world wants to "throw away" the NPD sufferer. I agree, some are so "toxic" that the only safe route for some is escape. However, since the occurrence of NPD is up to 5% should not there be some national stategy for reclaiming these troubled souls. I think I am redeemable, but when I read the majority of posts i feel so hopeless. I don't think an NPD sufferer chose this behavior originally, but it's like an addiction. He "reacts" with the pattern of behaviors he has learned reflexively. I wish I had the answer. Surely the government has invested into research for lesser problems.