MY OCD-fear of hurting people/self

I have many OCD trigger eg:smoking, drugs, alcohole, war, child abuse, knives, bacisly anything dangerous but the ones I wrote are my commen daily OCD triggers. Just hearing the word spikes my thoughts and the more I hear the worse my thoughts get and the worse I feel. Once I feel the obsessing start I feeling the need to say something or do something if I cant do it or say it because its not the best idea in the situation I am in then I start feeling anxious the more anxious the stronger the need to say or do the worse my thoughts gets the more fears i think about its a roller coaster of thoughts that is so hard to ignore or make subside and let me have peace in my head and body......I use to tap really loudly and it would bug people and thay would snap at me and then I would freak out and run away from the situation.......I finally got comfortable with letting my self rock to sooth my self in stead of tapping its done not agravate people as much.....

When I was younger I would have what I called shut down mode I'd zone out and ignore everything around me just to cope I felt inside my head that I would hurt people and that the only way to insure i could not hurt anyone was to zone out and control my behaviour that way......as a child I was scared of letting my self get hit by trafic or hurting people or going insane I had the worst fear that I was schizophrenic as young as 7y

Before my meds helped my OCD I would check my budget so many times in a day that it was crazy....I would not bye a 600ml cold drink cause my head would tell me that my kids would go hunrgy if I spent the money of something like that, then I would have my kids taken from me and then get arrested and then go insane.......

My thoughts were like a cyclone picking up more thoughts to swirl around in my head................

My thoughts are calmer untill there is a trigger now...............