[An Overthinker]

Hi all,

This is a long post but I would appreciate your time and advice because I'm really really struggling!
Up until the end of August 2008 I was in a very happy relationship then all of a sudden I have a bad day and have this horrible thought that i didn't love her. This was a horrible thought and words cannot describe how low it made me feel. Unfortunately no matter what I did, the thought wouldn't go away. When we did have great times together or I wanted to support her I would think "God I hope them thoughts don't come back!" Obviously they did.

Eventually I left but I returned in a hope that i could get over this. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. Whenever I try and see sense or make an argument for what I'm doing, my mind will automatically come back with a contradiction or an argument against. I was going insane!
Then one day I just an off day where I didn't feel attracted to her, and I thought I must be gay. I've had gay thoughts before and sometimes they I enjoyed them, but I have never wanted to have a gay relationship and before this I was always attracted to women and never thought twice about men. The thought made me nervous and I wanted to get rid of it.
Luckily I managed it, and my sex life with my gf wasn't affected, I was still enjoying it.

The other day though, I just randomly thought, God I hope I'm not gay, and the floodgates open!! My mind tries to convince me its what I am and what I want and sometimes I have urges (which I hav never possessed before). This isn't who I want to be and I'm not homophobic, my best mate is gay. Any man I see now, I have horrible thoughts and urges. As I say I have had thoughts before but thats all they remained, thoughts! I knew I was straight because I desired women all the time and that has not changed. I think of nothing else but these thoughts and I can constantly trying to argue with them. The fact is, this all started from a gay scene in a book and the thought just popped into my head. I KNOW that if I hadn't had that thought there and then by reading that book, I would feel no urge to do it. My main fear is that I won't feel sexually attracted to women anymore, I am seeing my gf this weekend and am panicked I won't be able to get these thoughts out my head!!! So scared, I can feel my mind Finding it hard to cope now. It seems that when one obsession (the love issue) isn't as bad, my mind decides to come up with another. I have nothing else to keep my mind occupied with as I only work a couple of days a week!

Please help me find a way to rid me of these thoughts or urges. Or even a way to live with them, but carry on with my heterosexual relationship. I have had much worse urges in the past, some even to do with family, but I got over them! Now I find myself looking at everyone who goes past and when I'm not disgusted by the thought of that man, I panic and when I don't feel urges for every gorgeous woman who goes back.

I spend all my time looking at sites to convince myself this isn't me and I'm actually normal. The worst of the gay thoughts started a few days ago, the night before that I was having a talk with my gf and had desires for her.

Is this normal behaviour that I have turned into an obsession?

Hello, An Overthinker. You have some issues to sort out. My suggestion is to seek professional help to unravel the tangled scenarios your mind presents to you.

Good luck.

[WePow]

There is an old Zen story about a man who was told to not think about a monkey. The more he tried to not think about the monkey, the more he thought about the monkey. This is the way the mind works. In addition to reaching out for professional help ((which is really the best self-care you can do! )) is to try allowing the thoughts to be. Do not pay them any attention one way or the other. You have your own choices you can make. But do not let the thoughts dictate the actions. Act. And allow thoughts to be.