[newfiegirl]

Hi all;

I'm new to the site and really not sure if what I'm dealing with is OCD.
I'm 38 and have pretty much always been feeling like I don't fit in, that I'm different and weird, but I try to deal with it.
Over the last few years I've gone through some big changes - divorce, new job, moving. I've been taking Cymbalta for about 3 years now. But I still deal with tremendous anxiety at times - mostly over my thoughts.
When I was in counseling in my early 20s, I had sexual thoughts about my T, and I was terrified it meant I was a lesbian. Over time the thoughts involved other women I knew. Fortunately the thoughts dissipated. I haven't had to deal with it until late 2007. Out of the blue, the sexual thoughts started again. I feel like I can't relax, because as soon as I do, a crazy thought goes through my head. So I'm always antsy and anxious. And when a thought occurs, sometimes I allow it to develop, like I'm trying to figure out if it would arouse me or not. But what hurts the most is that the thoughts are of friends, people I've known for years, and have established a trust and friendship with. I'm fearful to even see one of my friends. I mean all these crazy questions go in my mind - would I do this? do I really feel this way? am I gay? How do you know you wouldn't like it unless you try it? And I HATE IT. I feel so detached from who I used to be - more at peace and content with myself. And I'm also dating a wonderful man, and it's interfering with my relationship with him. If I'm being loving toward him or affectionate with him, it's like my mind tells me to pretend I'm being this way with a female friend and not with him. IT'S CRAZY. So I can barely relax.
I'm just wondering if this is OCD, obsessive thought stuff, or what.
I want the thoughts and self-doubt to stop. I just never knew OCD could include thought patterns. I went online and I have located a T in my area that specializes in it.
Has anyone else gone through this and received help for it?

[Wut2Do?]

i recently posted a thread on this. this is called "intrusive thoughts" people with old sometimes get them. i have them

[loveregardless]

I have had obsessive sexual thoughts since I was a young child. Towards infants, family, friends, etc. As an adult, much of the same and more. (And a hoard of other kinds as well). I have definitely experienced what you are asking about. This doesn't mean that it isn't possible for you to be interested in the opposite sex. I went through a bicurious stage and still consider myself to be bisexual, but I am married to a man, and have only ever had romantic relationships with men.

Is the idea of your being bisexual or homosexual a problem for you for religious reasons, or some other reason that it would defy a fundamental belief of yours? If it is, then I would be open to the idea that it might not be OCD, and it might be a result of repressed actual feelings/interest.

However, it could definitely be OCD, too. As clearly I do not have any true sexual interest in family members or children, and those thoughts are very, very disturbing. But I also experience recurring disturbing thoughts of all sorts, harming myself and others, other fearful and worrying thoughts, and they are undeniably obsessive.

Are you having intrusive thoughts of any other kind, or just in regards to women in a sexual way. If it is strictly regarding a thought pattern of sexual "interest" in women, I would explore what it would mean to you if you WERE in fact lesbian or bisexual. Would this mean you would feel rejected by your friends, or that you couldn't be friends with other women? Would this mean that your boyfriend would reject you if you talked openly with him about it? How would your family react? Would you feel as if you were doing something wrong, or reject yourself? Fear based on all of these things subconsciously could certainly create a lot of anxiety in your life.

I had recurring thoughts about other women when I was in my previous relationship and things would get intimate, because although he was a great guy, I wasn't sexually interested in him anymore, and when we were being intimate I had to escape. I don't have this issue with my husband now, because I am very sexually aroused by him. So, not assuming anything, that is something to think about as well. You can love someone, and the chemistry just not be there.

But talking to your therapist is obviously a good way to go.

I wish you the best, and no matter what, I hope that you find peace with whatever the intrusive thoughts are causing/mean for you. (((hugs)))