[Pure_Life]

Let me first start out by saying that I am glad that I found this site. I haven't ever been to see a psychiatrist or psychologist and have always suffered from excessive worrying, intrusive thoughts at times and within the past couple of years (3-4) counting.

The excessive worrying is where everything started out. I have been an excessive worrier since my teens. I worry that I am not doing my job correctly, that my girlfriend is going to leave me and many other things. I have been very successful in my career in a very short period of time. All of my reviews have been top-notch. Yet I still worry that I am performing poorly. The slightest little thing will cause me to doubt my job security and my performance. Lately this has become a much greater issue…I will need to give you the background on this before I can truly explain it.


Last year this time my girlfriend and I were having issues. She was living here in my house with me and our relationship started to crumble. At the end of June I went on a business trip and while on this trip I met a woman from Germany that I cheated on my girlfriend with…huge mistake. I felt horrible for it. When I returned from my trip I was worried about what I had done to my girlfriend while I was gone…yes I told her about it. This worry was compounded by the fact that I had horrible jet lag and couldn’t sleep and I also had thoughts that my boss and my girlfriend were sleeping together. I knew that this was false…but I couldn’t stop the thoughts. This was probably the hardest period of my life. All of this worry and stress caused by not being able to sleep, sad that my relationship was crumbling and disappointed in myself for what I had done all resulted in two trips to the hospital. The first trip to the hospital was due to a panic attack. I have never felt like that before…I thought for sure I was having a heart attack / dying. I was released from the hospital a day later with no real resolution to my dilemma. I was still horribly depressed and stressed. I visited my GP and got a prescription for ambien and another antianxiety med that would also help me sleep…I don’t remember the name of it. I tried to use these properly for about a week without success. My mind was so ramped up and running 10K miles a minute that neither would put me to sleep…I went with only 1-2 hours of sleep per night for about a month. This resulted in me taking ~30 or so of the pills…15 of each. I wanted it to stop. I couldn’t take the racing thoughts any longer. I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up feeling like myself again. Needless to say this was the second trip to the doctor. Fast forward to now….

Since all of this my girlfriend and I have worked things out and we are doing well. We are happily in love and working well. However, since this trip and the resulting meltdown my boss and my boss’s boss have been quick to ride my case. Lately it has become much worse. If I come into work and am the slightest bit down, they immediately assume that I am going back down into a hole and start riding my case. Recently I came into work one Monday morning and I was physically ill (didn’t want to stay home…figured I would catch hell). After that day they have been riding my case. They have started to insinuate that I am gay because I don’t want to date other women…there are a couple of women at work that want to go out with me. I am happy…I want nothing to do with it. This is where the intrusive thoughts come in (other than the short stint last year). I know for a fact that I am not gay…these thoughts completely turn my stomach inside out yet the only way I can get them to stop is with Xanax or alcohol. I don’t know what to do or where to go…I just want this to stop. I am so frustrated. Please help / guide me in the right direction.

[PrincessToadstool]

Hey There PL,
I just recently realized that what I go through periodically has to do with my having OCD, but I only have the intrusive repetitive thoughts; no compulsions, just the obsessions. Sounds like you are similar.
I see a therapist and suggest you try it out if you still have not. Do not be ashamed by your thoughts. They are only thoughts. They do not reflect you or your reality.

I read a book recently that I highly recommend called The Imp Of The Mind by Lee Baer, PHd. It deals with exactly what we go through when we deal with unwanted/intrusive/obsessive thoughts. There are exercises that you can try to help you with this. One type is the "exposure" type and the other is a Cognitive Therapy Approach.

I found that just ordering the book helped ease some of my anxiety. Once I read it, I was very glad I had ordered it. There is another book called White Bears and Other Unwanted Thoughts by Daniel M. Wegner that I haven't finished reading yet. This book explores more about the reasons we have these thoughts but learning in itself can be theraputic.

Last but not least, I have begun taking Zoloft for depression, which happens to also get prescribed for OCD. It's been 2 weeks now and today I started noticing a marked difference. I'd say my obsessive thoughts have been reduced about 90%. I don't get this way that often, but I have been dealing with alot of environmental stress lately, as have you with your bosses. I notice this is when my thoughts turn obsessive. I swaer it's almost like an avoidance thing for me... I don't want to think about the bad situation that is real so I focus on ridiculous things instead, like worrying I will curse at people or say rude things to strangers. Worry that if I don't do everything PERFECTLY people will die or lose their jobs, etc etc ETC!!!

Don't suffer in silence. You will only end up back in the hospital again. There are many people like us, and many more who will not admit they have this problem because it embarrasses them so much. You're not alone! Good luck!