Scared - Please Read

Hi everyone,

I used to struggle with suicidal ideation and self-harm ideation. I would spend lots of time daydreaming about it. Someone has posted on this site before about maladaptive daydreaming - is the title proposed by Eli Sómer, Ph.D., for an alleged condition in which an individual daydreams or fantasizes, sometimes as a psychological response to prior trauma or abuse.

So when I finally decided (about six months ago) that suicide was NOT an option, I haven't really been thinking about it. Likewise with self-harm. I haven't been in the hospital in over six months, which is fantastic for me...like a miracle. But I replaced the old daydreaming with new daydreaming.

I won't go into details due to the embarrasment, but it's basically of me in a different fantasy world. It is something I really enjoy thinking about, and it does take me away from that negativity. I know many would consider it a waste of time, a negative coping mechanism, but it HELPED ME. But the past week or so, I can't get my mind to go there. My mind refuses to daydream like it used to, and I'm stuck in the present.

I have been going through a mild depression for the past few weeks, and the daydreaming/fantasizing really helped me feel better. Now that I can't really do it...my mind keeps coming to negative thoughts.

I mainly do my daydreaming while listening to music, rocking on the couch. Before I would pay more attention to the fantasy than the music...now I can focus on the music and focus on any negativity in the songs. I do have a bad habit of listening to sad music when I'm depressed.

I am losing my grip on my best distraction from suicidal and self-harm thinking. I'm scared of these thoughts overcoming me like before...I don't want to go into the hospital for the 10th time. What can I do?

P.S I am on medication and in therapy. My meds are supposed to be gradually increased, but my next appointment with my pdoc is January 11th.

If you are in therapy, your therapist, who knows you, might know of a good distraction technique that would work for you. Or you might decide to go in the other direction, and concentrate on your breathing. When I do this, I don't try to control my breathing or my thoughts. I just watch what my belly is doing as I am breathing in and out. I also like walking meditation, repeating a phrase from Thich Nhat Hanh ("I have arrived. I am home. In the here and the now. I am solid. I am free. In the ultimate I dwell.") as I breathe as I walk. It also helps bring life meaning to do something for someone else, even a small thing. But if I were experiencing what you are, I wouldn't hesitate to call my therapist.

I really really wish you overcome this, best of wishes.