[wildgopher]

hey there.

this is my first post on the forum, so i apologize if this is in the wrong place/ category (still figuring things out).

i found this site because im looking for advice about obsessive thoughts. i don't think im obsessive compulsive, but i always find my thoughts reverting to a particular person i have idealized in my mind. i know that it is idealization (i guess this overlaps as perhaps borderline), and i also realize i don't know her fully as a person, or really know her at all. but i can't stop thinking about her/ can't turn off the desire to connect with her. due to my personal beliefs, im only seeking to pursue a healthy friendship with her (she is kind of a mentor role). however while she knows i have issues with her, i don't bring this up because i think it would be violating for another person to know they are being obsessed over. i'd like to stop obsessing, find a resting place for my thoughts, but all my thoughts just revert back to her. ive put several boundaries in place to help this, or because i fear being dangerous (obsessive behavior i no longer participate in, though its a challenge). this has been for several months, and on and off through the past few years.

i know while i feel like im "in love" that it is only infatuation and idealization, as i have felt this way about others, later finding them completely devalued. any practical advice about the thought life? i just find myself thinking about her all throughout the day, like she is my default or home base. my world revolves around her, what she says to me, etc.... id like to remain in contact with her and not "cut things off," though i am willing to do that if necessary. i have put boundaries on contact too, so this helps. in the end, whether i interact with her or not, its still in my mind. would really appreciate any advice. thanks!

[Contrast]

You said it yourself, you don't think this is associated with OCD but why did you still post it here? Go post in the BPD section or something.

[evangeline95]

Hello,first of all are u male,or female and how old are u if I may ask? I ask because usually teenagers have these issues due to their low self-esteem but it can also happen to adults.This thing is more usual in girls/women but men/boys can have that too.I think I got what you mean because I had the same problem with my older best friend when I was 15-16 and our friendship was really unhealthy.It was like an emotional dependency towards her and I became very very clingy.jealously when she used to talk with other ppl,etc.Isn't that you mean?

[wildgopher]

ah sorry i didn't see the personality section. thanks.

yes it is emotional dependency, but i feel like part of the root issue is obsessive thougthts.

im 21, female.. i don't want to get into the whole "gay" thing, but i want to break this obsession/ dependency/ whatever the name is.

thanks for the response. i've been looking into self-worth stuff too, its complicated subjects.

[Miswimmy1]

Hi! Welcome! I am not quite sure what you mean... U can be obsessive about a person u care about without having OCD. If that makes sense. You are doing a right thing by limiting contact. I suggest seeing a therapist about it. It sounds like you are maybe relying on her, or she is filling as u say "a mentor role". A therapist could assist u one examining why u are feeling like u need a mentor in the first place. And they can assist you in challenging the reason why u feel like there are voids that need to be filled, if that makes sense

[Wren_]

Hi, welcome to PC I would suggest a therapist as well, although I also wondered if this person was a therapist of some kind herself? either way it could be wise to talk to one and share some of what is going on and work out why you are doing this and what could help you with this. You said she knows you have issues with it; has she talked about that with you at all?

[Polar Opposites]

Hi!
I'm new too, but I'll offer a nickel's worth of observation, if it helps...
You strike me a pretty analytically savvy, so you are probably used to self analyzation. If this is at all true, you should know that time and time again I have been sternly warned against doing this. It cannot be done objectively.
***
A concrete observation you made is that while you oppose being too cozy with this person, wish to respect her privacy by not letting her know about your feelings (which is perfectly appropriate and actually quite considerate), you have had this type of idealization, as you put it, before with others, only to devalue them completely when you finally gather enough information to apparently realize they are in fact human. You could ask yourself why this seems to happen repeatedly. Professional guidance sounds like a good start. Trying to discover what you are searching for in others to help you feel some sort of fulfillment seems as good an investment in discovering your own well being as any
***
I'm going to throw you one curve ball though, and please think seriously about this. You have some sort of morale opposition to having genuine feelings for this person, and apparently this is something that elicits strong emotions for you. If you are refusing to contact someone because you fear you are falling into some state of love for them, are you now being considerate to them or are you simply avoiding getting close out of self protection? Do you simply resist the idea of being gay, or Bi for that matter, out of a moral standard and refuse to consider alternative perspectives on the subject? You need not be gay to love another human being. And discovering that you can have true and deep fondness for someone without putting them on a pedestal or idealizing them would probably be a lot healthier and less lonely than isolating yourself from any relationship that pushes your comfort zone. I hear your judgement of your former heroes, and coincidentally your judgment of your own feelings, to the point of isolating yourself from a potential long term and valuable friend for years. Even the rest of your lives. I'm not saying to do anything that you find immoral. I am simply suggesting, gently, that some of the restrictions you are placing on yourself may not be for the benefit of others as much as it is to protect yourself. Who knows? You may grow to love this person tremendously, and you each learn to become a source of deep strength for each other in times of need. It is perfectly acceptable, and personally I consider it healthy, to love your close friends. Don't you think it callous to not love your friends?
***
I know, you are indicating that this feels like an inappropriate fixation. Again, I will gently suggest you dig a little and ask yourself the truth. Are you simply morally opposed to being attracted to someone of the same sex and refuse to allow it to be considered by your mind, or are you...honestly...finding yourself physically attracted to this person, and are disappointed with yourself for feeling this? This could explain the disenchantment with heroes of the past, and the recurring fascination of a new idol. Pretend that you must be totally honest with yourself and ask the question directly, from different angles, until you are either sure you are NOT gay (you will find you are comfortable with this knowledge), or you are sure you cannot say for sure. Either outcome is a success, and a good place to work from.
***
One last thing...whatever you judge yourself over....whatever it is....gently...give yourself permission to...forgive yourself for being human...whatever it was...it can be forgiven..

You might even discover that you have a whole side of you that has been hidden from view, and is totally lovable.

[wildgopher]

MisWimmy1 and tigergirl - thanks ive thought about seeing a therapist. im looking into that/ how to do it. honestly it the task kinda scares me, but i hope to find one! appreciate your input!

she has asked me about it, and we have talked about it, though not in detail at all. i fear her just knowing i have those feelings is violating. so she knows i have issues with idealization, unwarranted gift giving (I don't do this anymore), and ive even gotten to process with her times ive been jealous of others in the group she is mentoring (bc to me, it seems she is so much more expressive of her care to them). anyways, we actually have gotten to talk about it some. but now it has gotten to the level of always obsessing, and my world revolves around her and her schedule, and i don't want her to be burdened with the knowledge that im having issues with that.

Polar Opposites - hey there! welcome to the forum too haha thanks for taking the time to comment/ share advice, i appreciate it. yes, i am very analytical! haha sucks, bc im constantly at a loss for what's the objective point of view.

so she does know about my feelings. in one of the talks she did, she encouraged those in the group to let their counselor know if they are feeling feelings of dependency on them, that if they are healthy they can work through it.

we are not exactly "out of contact"... but the contact has limits on it... actually i have only spent time with her in person (and the group - its like a support group) - 4 times, i know her from another forum in which she is an administrator and so my only real interaction with her is on the forum. when i say i limit contact, i try to really balance my time there, spend weeks off, etc... the last time i saw her, she offered me a car ride somewhere bc i needed one --- and i had to politely say no, though i realllly wanted to -- because i knew that would make my obsessing worse.

really appreciate your considerations in the next part. id like to say respectfully, i believe you are right, you can have true fondness/ liking/ even love for another person without putting them on a pedestal. however i know right now she is on a pedestal for me, but i can't seem to "take her down" as it were. btw... i have made a lot of considerations about the gay subject, and am a pretty open-minded person, accepting of others... for me, thats just where i've landed with my personal convictions for myself.

i am very open to new relationships, especially ones that push me out of my comfort zone. the fact that i haven't cut off this particular relationship is testimony to that too... because i really would like to get to know her, on a healthy level, just one that doesn't idealize, sees her for who she really is, not the perceived person in my mind.

you have a good point though. i can think of examples that some of these "boundaries" have been for self-protection, not really out of concern for others. but the boundaries are to help me keep a check on my feelings... if i had accepted her offer for a car ride, that would compound my obsessions, as in the past - when in just 7th grade i memorized this one girls license plate, and the more recent "hero" (i like this name), i would see silver hondas everywhere.

and even if i were ok with pursuing this relationship in a romantic sense, or more fully expressing my feelings to her - i know that they would not be in her best interest for her situation, and i know for a fact that they would not be reciprocated. and in the end.. i don't think that's what i really "want." theres some emotional component i can't put my finger on (some kind of transference too) thats driving the obsessing...

i won't deny that i am extremely attracted to her. i know that the world would deem this "gay"... i personally believe people are more than the sum total of their attractions, like if i am attracted to girls that doesn't form my whole identity... so i don't claim this identity (im a Christian and seeking to honor God with my life in all areas, seeking to follow Christ and rest my identity in Him). yes i do have those feelings... but i also know it is idealization, and i just want to see her in a regular light, instead of glorifying all her positive traits, and seeing her flaws also as beautiful. i can know all the facts in my head and not in my heart. i want to know how to love her for who she really is, not the idealized person in my mind. obsessive love is not really love at all (a contradiction in terms, i read), but driven out of "need" i think. and i want to be a life-giver, not a life-taker.

lol enough rambles and "seriousness" for this post.... thanks again for stopping by. i welcome further advice/ comments. hope you all have a nice day.

[evangeline95]

just a question,why do you refer the word "gay"?! Being obsessed with other same-sex people is common I can see and I don't truly believe that it has something to do with real homosexuality-bisexuality,but with low self-esteem.I had almost the same problem with my best same sex friend as I said but I've never seen her in a sexual way for the love of god.Why did u confuse it with homosexual feelings?

[wildgopher]

ok well maybe its not. i guess in not sure if im also attracted to her?

i just want to throw a wrench in my obsessive thoughts and stop thinking of her. ive decided to start with a 2 weeks out of contact, and see where that leads. i just want to stop obsessing about her, her schedule, her office, where she is or what she is doing. i want to live my life and about whats going on around me, as i don't even ever see her.

what do you suggest about low self-worth/esteem? u mean like finding the other person so worthy and not seeing yourself as worthy? theres no way i could see myself on the same plane as her i think its like an inferiority complex.

[Seth412]

Originally Posted by Contrast

You said it yourself, you don't think this is associated with OCD but why did you still post it here? Go post in the BPD section or something.

Don't mind this fool. You're just seeking answers/support. I see no reason for him to rude.

Anyway, I'm thinking perhaps it could be OCD, as I'm OCD and have had similar experiences over my lifetime.

In fact, funny story, one time I actually began dating one of the people I was infatuated with. Needless to say, it created quite the storm when it ended.

My advice would be to see a professional and to get expert advice on what, if anything, you should do about it.

[wildgopher]

thanks i appreciate that. i'll focus in on finding professional help.