[foxtastic]

I've posted on here before about disturbing intrusive thoughts, around the holidays I was hit HARD for the first time in years with thoughts of rape, molestation, beastiality, incest, believe me when I say nothing was the limit. I've been getting a little bit of a handle on the thoughts but what is bothering me the most right now is that out of nowhere, my feelings for my boyfriend seemed to magically disappear. Going through this battle in my head I started feeling incredibly anxious around him, he's been fantastic and I've discussed with him just about every disturbing or unsure thought I've had to relieve the insane guilt that comes with it and not once has he given up faith in me. But I keep thinking about my past relationships and how I wrecked them because this same thing happened, but the difference is that those relationships in the past never mattered as much to me as my boyfriend does now.. this is not a relationship I can simply break off and abruptly walk away from. I WANT this to work. I'm just so scared that I will never get my feelings back for him, or worse yet, that I will keep feeling anxious and guilty and wrong around him. It's like when I think of him, or try to look at an old picture of us and spark something, or even when he's with me trying to show affection or saying 'I love you' it makes my stomache clench up and I feel so anxious. Because I don't know if I've simply grown bored of him, or if I really love him, it's like I can't tell my real thoughts apart from the OCD ones. I even think of ridiculous things like 'what if he's not funny to me anymore' when I laugh at his jokes even though he is hysterical, or 'what if I cheated on him' when I know I didn't? Also, alot of things from the past are eating me alive, the stupid way I acted in highschool, and when we first started seeing eachother we were not yet dating but I had a fling with another guy and lied to him about it in the beginning and even though I've confessed to him it is making me feel like such a horrible person. Because it was a horrible thing to do, and I never would've even been in this relationship had I told him the truth. Now we are living with my parents because my cousin robbed us of everything we own, her father beat me up and then sent me to prison for assaulting HIM even though he had hit me well over 10 times in the face he was buddies with the cop, and just to add to all of that, my house is NOT a happy one. More or less located in a ghetto and my mom is not well in the head, she made me go on welfare so I could pay for their groceries and always plants insecure ideas in my head telling me I don't look like this and what if he cheats on you and what if he has kids you don't know about and stay here and take care of your family... ugh the stress! From every single side. I'm always cooking and cleaning and taking care of literally everything in the house and she doesn't even appreciate it. There's so much s*** going on in my life right now, hence the insane anxiety attacks. But I'm off topic now.. all I want to know is if it's possible to save my relationship and feel the way I used to or if I've yet again irreparably damaged another one. I've been entertaining the idea of being alone for a bit and going back to school but there's no possible way I could stay in my house, and I don't think I have the means to pay for an apartment. But my parents said they won't help me out with school unless I stay at the house and go to the college they want me to go to. I also keep thinking that I'm only staying with him because I really don't have anybody else and I need the money and support, even though I truly don't think I'm doing that it's just these d*** thoughts are always making me question myself for hours on end. We are the perfect couple, honestly the kind of relationship that you see in the movies- the lighthearted, clever banter, constantly making eachother laugh, barely ever arguing, and we look so right together, not to mention he fits the 'tall, dark, and handsome' profile perfectly. He is everything to me, it really is true love and it's killing me that I don't feel it anymore. I can't stand the guilt and anxiety that eat me alive when he's around and just trying to make me feel better. I can't stand the countless doubts and fears and 'what ifs'. I'm sorry for this forum being so long but I REALLY need help. Success stories, similar experiences, an explanation, anything. And yes, I just started therapy and will continue to work on it but I guess I just need some reassurance in the mean time.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Sorry, I couldn't read that all. (not your fault)

I just caught enough possibly to make at least a small contribution. So uhm... OCD has probably helped destroy my past two messed up relationships. >.> OCD makes things so difficult with love and intimacy. Lets see, now... I used to sometimes obsess about what I have learned to be quite a common thing "Do I love her?". I used to get intrusive thoughts about.. things.. here's a little story of what happened to me one day, that probaby made chickadee #1 see me in a whole new way.. :\

I was out at the pub with said female, and we were having an OK time, but some people were there that were difficult to be around for various ridiculous reasons, and anyway, I ended up gradually growing quite a severe panic attack (got severe anxiety issues, too, not surprisingly), and I had to go home. She of course came with me, and when we got back, we just laid on my bed. For some reason the OCD seriously kicked in, and I led on my hands, refusing to touch her and couldn't even look her, for fear that I would somehow hurt her, and I guess maybe I thought she would see my thoughts if she looked me in the eyes? IDK. Anyway, it took quite a while to calm down and to subside the fears.. my eyes were even leaking a bit.. which totally is NOT me, I hate doing that ****, with an absolute passion. Anywho, there's no moral to this story, but you aren't alone, mmkay? Trust me, love, this is more common than you think. It's just depressing that there's so many people with these sort of problems. I only just found out how bad it is out there, a few weeks back, and it's still hard to accept... I went my whole life thinking I was almost the only one like this. 'o.O It's a scary thing, for sure.

*hugs you* (if that's OK, virtually xD)

[wearemadeoflove]

Hello! I am no good at relationships, but I do have OCD and I can totally relate to you when it comes to unwanted/intrusive thoughts!!

I have just recently been diagnosed with OCD and have been working in therapy to learn how to deal with it most efficiently.

My psychologist lent me a book called Brain Lock written by Jeffrey M. Schwartz. it describes a 4 step process that helps to develop the skills needed to recognize and dismiss the automatic thoughts.

I find it to be really helpful! Maybe it can help you too!:

Step One: Relabel.
Label the intrusive thought or urge just what it is: an obsessive thought or compulsive urge. Recognize reality and do not be overcome by the feelings these thoughts cause. You don’t have to believe everything you think.

Step Two: Reattribute.
Say to yourself, “It’s not me, it’s my OCD.” My brain is stuck in gear and its “error-detection circuit” keeps firing inappropriately. This causes me to have very uncomfortable feelings but if I change my behavior and not give in to my compulsion, over time my broken gearshift will become unstuck. When my brain starts to shift properly my uncomfortable feelings will fade.”

Step Three: Refocus.
The key to the Refocus step is to do another behavior that you enjoy doing. Usually you won’t need to distract yourself longer than 15 minutes. Remember, OCD urges are very strong and powerful but they are stupid. Take advantage of that stupidity and work around it by putting another more enjoyable thought in its place—shift gears. If your car was stuck in the mud wouldn’t you leave it and go find another way home?

Step Four: Revalue.
See the thoughts and obsessions as the useless garbage that they are. Think to yourself, “That’s just a senseless obsession. It’s a false message. I am going to focus my attention on something else.”

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Wearemadeoflove, thanks for posting that; it's quite interesting, and possibly helpful for me. Unfortunately, those are things I've more or less actively done for my whole life with little remedy. I've had a bad night tonight, and telling myself it's just OCD, yadda yadda hasn't really helped a great deal.. since I still had the moment and stuff.

What if it's not a senseless false message? What if it's all true? How can I know the difference? These things are what trip me up. :\