[Selost]

Hi, I'm new to psychcentral and this is my first post. Please forgive me, this might get sort of long-winded.

Here is my situation:
I have always been a terrified person. Since age 4 or 5, I have been completely fixed on the idea of being perfect: perfect grades, winning every award, making my family proud, etc. I do recognize that these things are what have gotten me to where I am now--a college student at a top ten university. However, it hasn't felt worth it at all. For years, I've been throwing up before exams without anyone knowing, and even when I manage not to, I experience problems like shaking hands, chattering teeth, racing heart, stomach aches, chills, and out of control racing thoughts. Logically, I know that it is okay to make mistakes, yet I cannot seem to allow it to happen. Instead, I spend hours studying for tests that I already have over studied for, and read and reread course material. I have even convinced myself that I haven't studied at all after studying for a consecutive ten hours. It literally makes me sick. This perfectionism kills me, but it isn't even half of it.

Ever since I was little, I have also had this thing where I have to confess "bad thoughts" to my mom, or else I am a bad person. My dad works nights and for years I was convinced that if I didn't wake him up at exactly 11:30, he would get into a car crash and die. I count in my head constantly, and will frequently check and recheck things over and over to make sure I really did them. I am constantly checking whether or not I heard, saw, or did something right, even when I know I have. Even if it means asking people to repeat things. I have several "lucky" numbers and I will immediately feel less panicky if I do things these number of times. And sometimes, especially when I'm stressed, i get these violent, sick thoughts that completely scare and disgust me, and the only way to get rid of them is to count them away. I also have these patterns where I have to touch certain objects to make other bad thoughts stop. I got my drivers license three years ago, but haven't driven for about a year and a half, as every time I do, I am irrationally convinced that I will start driving down the wrong lane and kill someone, even though I know this shouldn't happen in real life. This sounds funny, but I promise that it isn't. It's excruciating. Highways make me have a hard time breathing. Even when I did drive, I could not have any passengers in case I got into an accident and killed them. Oh, and I have to apologize over and over again even if a mistake is small. I've tried to stop it but can't. I literally annoy everyone I come in contact with, especially my family.

God, this is getting long. I'm sorry. And yes, I know how pathetic I sound.

Additionally, I have no friends. I wish I were kidding. I get sick before any form of public speaking, and my voice shakes and crackles. It feels like I'm falling apart. I can barely even hold a conversation with coworkers, because I'm constantly thinking that they wouldn't want to talk to me anyway, because I'm stupid, I'm a boring person, I'm disgusting, I'm not worth talking to, nothing I say is important enough, etc. And when I do manage to hold a conversation, it's mostly the other person talking, with me giving short, hesitant answers because I'm literally ready to run out of the room. I can't even bring myself to participate in classes anymore. My parents are always super worried, because I spend all of my time silent and on my own. I'm so lonely I can't even stand it sometimes, and it feels like maybe it would just be easier if I weren't around anymore.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm at a point where my classes aren't even interesting, and academics has always been my escape, so to speak. Like I could throw myself into learning because I was good at it and disappear. But lately, I feel like I'm going to crumple up into a ball of fear, and no matter how many people tell me to relax or stop being high strung, I can't. I have all these weird rituals that I do and I can barely hide them in public anymore. I'm constantly getting weird looks for the checking behaviors, and I wish that all of it would just stop. I honestly can't do it anymore. And every time I even consider telling someone about everything or contacting the counseling center, I convince myself that it's selfish, because there are people with much worse, "real" issues and I should just get over it. Or that I can't prove that I'm not imagining the whole thing. I don't know how to get over how ashamed I feel. I'm supposed to be better than this, but I'm so, so embarrassingly weak.

If for some reason, you've read this far, I would love any advice as to how to get over feelings of shame. Or if this sounds like some type of OCD to you. It seems like it does, but I go back and forth doubting it. I am terrified that even if I could bring myself to seek help, I would just freeze up and not say anything, which does happen occasionally. Any advice is welcome; I would love to hear from you but please, please don't make fun of me. I know a lot of this sounds ridiculous, I'm totally aware of it, but I feel like I can't even control what goes on in my head anymore. My parents seem to think its something I can snap out of if I just learn to "stop and smell the roses," and maybe it is. Regardless, I'm at a loss and I'm more miserable than ever. Help?!

[Phobicperson]

This does sound like a very severe form of OCD. I really hope that you will get some counseling or just any form of professional help. It's okay if you freeze up and just know that you're not alone. Welcome to psychcentral!!!

[Gus1234U]

{{{Selost}}} i have been thru a little bit of what you describe, enough to be dysfunctional and suicidal... people say "therapy" like it's a cure or a fix, for what is essentially a Brain Chemistry Disorder. talking doesn't help it, or i would have been cured years earlier~!

what i did find helped some others were various psych meds, like Wellbutrin, and some others, you will find no dearth of med talk around here. that didn't help me. i finally found some relief through Acupuncture~! it sounds weird, but it did help my brain begin to re-balance, and i saw relief from OCD's Right Away~!~
originally i went for smoking cessation, and i stopped in one day, but then i noticed that i was free to walk out under the open sky, which i had not been able to do for over a decade, almost 15 yrs~! and other things, like food phobias gradually receded~

to maintain and enhance this re-balancing of my brain functions, i was referred to an auditory brain repair system called Holosync. it is only offered in the therapeutic format at CenterPointe.com. a lot of people are discouraged by the blatant snake oil sales promotion at the site, and he does get many people to buy things they can't use and don't work, in my opinion. BUT he built the business on the one thing that does work~!

discovered in the early '80's and used with ADD adolescents, the holosync method feeds divergent beats into the brain via stereo ear phones, and this causes the two sides of the brain to try to reconcile the different input, by reconnecting and even regrowing neural connections across the menegial tissue (in the middle of the brain). it is astonishingly effective~! i have "recovered" from bipolar disorder, OCD, Panic, Phobias, and worst of all, Suicidal Thought Disorder.

i hope you will give some thought to trying either or both of the above, i hope you can afford them since they are not covered by most insurances. i wish you a speedy and complete recovery. for me that was about 5 yrs better than a lifetime of suffering~!

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

I have never heard of those methods (besides acupuncture). Can you tell me why they aren't more widely known and used by doctors and psychiatrists?