[Grey Matter]

I went food shopping with my sister today. It doesn't sound like a big deal. But, not only do I have OCD, I have PTSD. This was the same food store we went to the day after my brother died. The first time we went there without him. And my dad started crying in the middle of the store.

I kept getting scared. I thought someone was going to die just from me being there. And that is when intrusive/obsessive thoughts started. As some of you know my OCD number is 4 or 4x4. My brain told me I had to steal four things that my brother liked or my sister would be the next to die. It wasn't a voice in my head, it was my own voice. And I believed it. I already blame myself for my brothers death. I couldn't let my sister die. She's all I have.

I ended up stealing small things. But I got caught. I didn't want to tell PC because I feel like a complete idiot. I started sobbing and just put everything back, telling them it's not that I wanted to do it, It felt like I had to. Thankfully, there was no punishment (though there should have been) as they didn't call the police. But I'll never be going there again.

I can't believe how ridiculous it got in there. I was truly convinced my sister was going to die there if I didn't do something so illogical and petty. I feel horrible about it. I feel like a complete idiot. I am an idiot.

i'm sorry teen idol.

that must have been a really horrible experience for you

you arn't an idiot, hey... we all make mistakes.

you know not to go their again now

hugs

[Grey Matter]

Thank you. *hugs*

It was just... strange. I never had a compulsion like that before, I usually have misplaced intrusive/obsessive thoughts about alarms going off when I exit stores even though I haven't stolen anything.

I almost wish they called the cops on me the guilt is ridiculous.

[kindachaotic]

Oh, no no you are not an idiot. You didn't ask for any of your dx & the symptoms that go with them.
If you could've controlled your thoughts you wouldn't have chosen to take those items for the heck of it.
Please try not to beat yourself up about it.

You've posted about having to take steriods. Don't know if these are temp or long term for you but have you noticed any changes mentally since starting them?
I have to take them from time to time for RA and depending on dosage they ramp me up a bit.
Sleep is less,, lots more thoughts swirling around.
I have BP and ADHD so where steriods help physically their mental effects can be tricky, for me.
Maybe you could ask the doc who prescribes them.

Don't know if this helps but wanted to respond.
Again, try to realize none of this is your fault.

Take care. (((gentle hugs)))