[Moveface]

It partly has to due with my OCD that involves having to know the outcome of a given circumstance. I purposely do moderately risky things day to day in a discreet manner. Mostly, I screw around edges of high-rise stairs, leaning over the guardrails, wondering what would happen if I leaned over a little too far....

But, today I got a BB Gun in the mail. I took it the university dining hall and opened the package, which was fine, because the plastic casing was still on the actual gun. My friends were there, and they thought it was slightly amusing. Then I kinda got obsessed with the fact that I could possibly get in trouble if someone saw me with it while it was unpackaged.

So, I undo plastic casing, and take it out, and play with it under the table, knowing that someone could mistaken it for a real firearm, despite it being completely inoperable at the time. I don't know why, but it gives me a rush. Unfortunately, afterwards, I feel kind of bad about needlessly risking my livelihood for the sake of knowing that I wouldn't suffer the consequence of a given circumstance. THE PROBLEM IS: If I don't do something, I won't feel 'right' in a sense.

For example. I'm standing next to my boss, and I feel like if I don't cross my arms, or play with my hair, then I'm going strangle her to death or something.

It scares me, honestly.

I don't want to hurt anyone, but I honestly think I'm crazy, and I don't know what to do.

I feel like I'm playing with fire, even though I know better than to do all the things I mentioned above.

What should I do?

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

First and foremost, you should get some professional help; I'm sorry for the generic, predictable response, but it's said for a reason. You've got this early, which is a bonus.

For example. I'm standing next to my boss, and I feel like if I don't cross my arms, or play with my hair, then I'm going strangle her to death or something.

This and more, is something I get on a very regular basis, and has tortured me for something like 15 years.

Please get some help. I don't know where you live, but if it's the UK, see your GP, describe what you've said here, and they will take it from there. (they will have heard it all before, no doubt) I'm quite hopeful that, with the right help, you will be fine. CBT might help, if that has been going on for a little while, and they deem it an appropriate course of action, but IDK - they might suggest something different.

This is how I see your situation:

There's 4 paths in-front of you. From left to right, is path 1, 2, 3, and 4. You always go down paths 2 and 3, always ignoring the others, because they are generally and universally wrong. For whatever reason, you found yourself mischievously sticking your leg into the 1st and 4th path, almost as a test (like you do to see if the water is hot) and now that you've done that, suddenly those paths are clear to you, and you notice them like you never did before; now you fear you will walk down those paths. I think you just need (something like CBT) to teach yourself how to get those two paths out of your peripheral vision, or to accept those paths are there, but to eventually ignore them. Similar to how an intrusive thought works: you notice it, you give it meaning, it becomes prominent, you stress about it, it gets worse, ... lo 'n behold, you then end up with OCD, so you need to learn (again, with CBT, like I'm in) to eventually ignore those thoughts again; to not give them meaning.

Hope that helps.