Backdoor Spike

I've been doing really really well with hocd recently. In fact, just the other day I was thinking about it and I thought 'Who really cares about sexuality? It's about love not about gender'. The best thing about this was that I'd realised something important, but not something important about myself. Because, dare I say it, I don't think I am bi or lesbian, but I realised that who cares if I am or if anyone else is? I'm not sure whether I stumbled onto acceptance or whether I just had a good moment but to realise that felt like a massive step forward.

But then the backdoor spike came along...

So youre not bothered about gay stuff anymore, you couldn't care less, right? So that means youve accepted it right? Because you still freak out a bit when you see girls around don't you? And do you really like boys? What about yesterday when you felt like you were looking forward to seeing your friend? What about all those weird smiling feelings you get? What if they're real? Let's face it, you're bisexual and you're secretly loving it?

No I'm not! I know I'm not now so there...

But you're not anxious are you? You can't seem to be bothered by it as much as you used to. And you feel like your 'compulsions' aren't working, in fact, didn't you just check out that girl at the supermarket a couple days ago?

No I didn't, I was 'checking' to make sure she wasn't a danger, now go away...


My little chat with ocd, and tbh, it makes some good points. Why aren't I anxious anymore? Why do I have 'the smiling feeling' worse than ever atm? So maybe I can't imagine being with a girl sexually or emotionally anymore and I know I would never want to be but I feel like that doesnt matter, even though I know it does. How come I feel compelled to 'check' girls in the street to see if they're dangers? How come I feel like I have to defend gay things to the death even though I'd much rather just let it go? Why can't I stop obsessing over whether my crush is gay, ugly, or fat? He's none, (well, you never know with the gay one) but why can't I stop worrying? Where oh where is my lovely safe anxiety and my lovely safe compulsions that at least gave me some relief from the doubt?

Just a little rant, help and advice would be appreciated.

Wow over 50 views and no replies...

It is a year later pretty much. I would help you but I wouldn't exactly know what to tell you. All I can say is that if you are biologically attracted to the opposite sex then you are not a lesbian or bisexual. I'm not sure how it works for women because I am a guy. I struggle with this as well. I've been straight my entire life so it doesn't make any sense that my body would just automatically turn "gay". I know that trying to fight irrelevant things just makes it worse though. What I've come to realize is that if we keep repeating what initially started these thoughts and obsessions in the first place then we will keep that habit forever until we ultimately prove to ourselves that we are not like this and ultimately get rid of the fear. I'm starting to come to terms that OCD may be a spiritual problem. I don't know for sure though. Before I developed this I was a very spiritually strong person and strong willed. I'm gonna get passed this thing I don't give a damn how hard it is. I've had many periods where I knew for a fact that I was reassured and thought that I didn't have OCD anymore. This is proof that we really don't want to do these things, we've basically taught ourselves a habit unintentionally. I have to fix my heart and my spirit. They are both broken. Kindness and courage go a long way. I'm thinking about hiring an OCD coach that has actually been through this thing to help. I mean, to be honest, even if we were "lesbian" or "gay" it doesn't mean that we have to go around thinking about it 24/7. I mean I come from a background of sports, military, and being a pretty masculine guy (not trying to brag, just trying to make a point). OCD is basically just the complete opposite of who you truly are.