[Chips]

so ever since i was 5 i have liked girls emotionally and sexually, my first crush was on a girl and have been since as long as i could remember. i will admit im not crazy over a woman's body, and i cant think of sexual things about girls if i see one. most people in my school since 7th grade have thought i was gay because im quiet and i like art, i always ignored them, but it would still bother me. when i was 12 my friend showed me his business, and showed me gay and straight porn, mostly gay, and i did get an erection to both. but i was only like 13. as of 5 months ago my dad and cousin were talking and they said stuff about me, and my cousin asked if i was gay, i said no, but after that i felt unsure and i was mad that she even asked that. so that weekend i started to wonder if kids at school think that and my cousin thought i was gay, it must mean i am. i kept checking my responses to men and women and since the whole thing with my friend i have wondered what most other guys look like down there, i cant say i like it. i researched for so many hours and days, things that make you gay, when do u no u r, fear of being gay, constant gay thoughts, i found answers on yahoo and most of the comments were oh ur gay, i got depressed and it made my obsessing even worse.i soon found HOCD and i was actually relieved because all of my thoughts and actions related to people with hocd. i researched that for hour on end to calm myself down, but it didnt last long , i mad my own yahoo account and asked like 30 question in 2 weeks. people told me come out of the closet, or oh ur gay, and just wait it out and see or if u have gay thoughts constantly u r gay. this made me panic even more, my mom knew something was wrong so she asked me what was going on so i told her, she thought i was over thinking it, she said u never showed any sign of being gay, my dad said the same thing, i was relieved by what they said for about a week, but then after winter break i went back to school and new this would start up again, it did. every guy i looked at i thought of what he looked like naked and what he would look like if i gave him a bj, or kissed him, and i dont want these thoughts, i hated them, what made me panic even more is that i got hard to a few of them, and i thought how could i be straight if i had these thoughts and got hard, it must mean im gay. i couldnt get it off my mind so i decided to look at gay porn to see if i got aroused and i dont no if i did or didnt but i did get hard, i kept telling myself not to, living a gay life isnt for me, but my mind says it is.
i dont have t]a nice body, whenever i see a guy on tv shirtless, or a guy who is good looking i get gay thoughts about him, or what he looks like naked and i dont like thinking about it, my mind says i do. its gotten to the point were i feel like i am gay and im just not letting myself no the real me. i lost my attraction to women and now i force myself to masturbate to thoughts of guys, i dont even no if i hate them or like them anymore, i had one today, of me touching a guy and i got erect to it, and then i masturbated to it to see if i liked it and i ejaculated, i keep thinking i liked it but it doesnt feel like me, could i have been gay all this time and never noticed, i dont see how u can be straight all ur life and then start having gay thoughts and think u like them. i have made my parents mad at me cuz i ask them if what i think is normal, and what they think i am. i could never like a guy emotionally, sexually im not so sure, i do occasionally look up shirtless men to see how great there bodies look, but i dont get hard to them. these thoughts are getting so out of hand that i think i am really going to act on them and like them, i feared this for awhile but now what if my fear is actually what i am, i have thought of being bi, but i don't feel bi, gay or even straight. most of the time in school i look at guys who i think look better than me, and i imagine them naked and me doing stuff to them, i don't want these thoughts, but i keep thinking if i keep imagining them naked it must mean something. my sex fantasies have be over run with gay thoughts, i used to think of a guy and girls doing sexual things to him, i was never in the fantasies. but what if im lying to myself, i cant say i think gay sex is disgusting and i cant say its good, i don't really like lesbo porn which makes me feel gay, i was doing fine for about two weeks before these thoughts came back, in that time i new i was straight but now these thoughts came back, and when i dont masturbate and have gay thoughts i force myself to and i think i found it pleasurable, but i dont know, i ejaculated to the thought and now im stressed out, what if its my inner desire, i cant love a man, or kiss one, but the bj thought is messing me up ever since i looked up gay porn and saw a guy doing that, i have been confused and cant stop thinking about it, i really don't want to hear just wait and find out, or i hate to say it but u r gay. my mom has tld me if u were gay we would still love u, but this isnt about what other ppl think its about me not knowing who i am.

i do not think you are gay. I think your hormones are raging and you are curious about sex. Mix that with a group of people who have an agenda of increasing their population - and you are being sucked into something that probably isn't you.

I think it is very normal to be uncomfortable about your body, but my guess is your bod is no worse than 90% of the people out there. There IS a girl for you - just try to be patient and you will find a girl you likes you just as you are.

If you can change your focus from sex to fun (ie hobby or just goofing around) I think you will find a gf and things will progress naturally. But if you focus on sex - you will be sucked down into a hole that you can not escape.

Gods blessings to you no matter how it turns out for you.

[Jjh98]

You are not gay , you have hocd. I suffer from hocd myself and its a living hell . The one thing you need to stop is checking , or looking in your past for signs tjat you could be gay , ocd will throw false memories and doubts at you , trust me i know , in year 7 i always though this guy was so cool cause he was goodlooking and got girls and i wanted to be like him , but ocd confuses everything and makes me think i liked him or something . Its horrible !
Seek help when you can