[takeacti0n]

I guess I should start from the beginning. Growing up looking back I think I have always had anxiety. I remember not being able to ever sleep at night because of the fear of someone breaking into the house. I would have reoccurring nightmares of intruders breaking into our house and would always seek safety in my parents bedroom...which they allowed until I was much too old. I probably got over that fear when I was 12-14 or so (just a rough guess...as this is going back quite a ways since I am 26 now).

The fears and anxieties stayed away a long, long time until like any curious, middle-class, college student I started trying various drugs. First was marijuana which I started smoking regularly my senior year of high school until about my senior of college, I also tried DXM around 20 or so times in highschool...all very positive experiences with the euphoria of being connected to the world. I haven't done DXM in 6+ years and I quit marijuana three or so years ago I have dabbled occasionally..usually with a negative experience but a few times it was somewhat positive and hopeful.

Going into the summer of my senior year of college we discovered a mushroom field where purple ringers or Ps. Cubensis. grew frequently. Those following three months we tripped on mushrooms anywhere from 30-50 times. 95% of the experiences were beautiful and blissful...absolute joy. I had 2 "bad trips". One was what I now know was a panic attack and I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I got through that and another was very similar...were I had a paranoid thought about the buddy I was tripping with, sort of along the lines of what if he did something to the mushrooms. I was able to dismiss this thought very easily because we had all tripped together and he is my best friend but the fact that i had such a thought upsetted me a bit.

Queue, my final college year (2010) where I have had somewhat good marks, was on my way to getting a bachelor of science and was a four year member of the college soccer team. I started getting anxiety attacks and had to quit the soccer team. I was then up one night watching TV and a show about Steven Hawking came on and how he got ALS and it described all the symptoms. That night I managed to convince myself that I was in the beginning stages of ALS; and all the symptoms associated it with started to show itself. The mind is an amazing piece of machinery; but if you allow it too have free reign while you are in a highly anxious state; it'll bring your worst fears to life. This is when I started suffering from full on medical student syndrome...anything negative that I read on google (and believe me I research and research until i can't research anymore) I convince myself I have...the list of medical illness I have "had go from MS, ALS, Tumors, Cancer, etc.

I dropped out of my senior year of school and went to the doctor who convinced me i didn't have ALS and offered some anxiety medication which I refused. Around this time is when I got my first intrusive thought. I was out fishing on the boat with my dad and saw a knife on the boat and the thought or image of stabbing my dad popped into my head. This caused me tremendous alarm and pain...I couldn't realize why I would have such a thought. It kept me up for nights on end and I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about it...On a few occasions I thought I was going insane...I fought this with working out. knowing that I was a good person deep down and fighting off the thoughts (which I realize now wasn't the proper way of going about it). I hated being around knifes in the kitchen and would not be near them...just looking at one would cause tremendous anxiety. I went to community college and took a few classes then transferred back to my original college and finished off my degree. Around this time I also had miniature bouts of Schizo-OCD, I remember one time I went to the fridge and was going poor some milk and thought what if my mom poisoned it? I shrugged it off and drank it anyway and now I don't ever think of such things (except now that I read your blog its fresh in my mind so I have a feeling next time I eat with my gf that worry or thought will pop up. The joys of an OCD mind right!)

While I was away at college my anxiety went away for the most part due to the tremendous work load that comes with a computer science thesis. Around this time I got my first episode of HOCD; all the while had a great gf. I had a good friend who I would always shoot pool with and throw a couple of beers back. One day a thought popped into my head that I was sexually attracted to him and this tormented for me 1-2 months until I somehow managed to get over it. Maybe I just knew deep down that I wasn't? I'm not sure...

After finishing school I lived with my gf for a few months and everything was dandy; then I moved back home and got a job where I have currently been working for 3 years. When I moved back home the intrusive thoughts of hurting loved ones came back...this time it was more focused on my mother and not my dad. They tormented me day and night and caused many restless nights again. Along with this I had very real health anxiety concerns....thought my heartbeat was irregular so went to the doctor and had an EKG/stress test etc... (approx 2 1/2+ years ago).

Around this time was my first bout to de-personalization (which I believe was due to my body/mind being continuously on edge ; which was scary in its own right. But with a positive mindset, time, some self-help books and patience I was able to get over it and get back to my real self in a short amount of time.

Since then I have convinced myself I have MS due to eye floaters (insisted on getting a MRI scan despite seeing 3-4 eye doctors that said I was okay)...have had a sore throat that lasted for like 10 months which I was sure due to cancer of some sort. Went to multiple specialists all who said it was acid reflux, etc...that eventually cleared up when I met a beautiful girl who I have been in a relationship with for six months now.

When I entered the relationship with her I was suffering from the sore throat but after spending time with her and getting my mind off of it it miraculously went away (this was after being burdened by it for 12+ months). I think my anxiety was keeping my sore throat alive.

When I really started to fall in love with this chick which was about 3 months ago; the HOCD about her started to appear and tremendously troubled me again. I had read enough about them at this point that I was able to let them go and not worry about them too much...but a few times they really got the best of me. One time was when we were laying in bed together and she looked at me and said "I know I'm going to marry you," and a thought of hurting her popped into my head. I'm embarrassed of even going into details because it troubled me so greatly. Then I had ROCD with her, worrying that I wasn't attracted to her and that I didn't find her pretty or that she wasn't the one.

She is stunning so the fact that I have these thoughts was extremely silly but they still bothered me...because I didn't want to lose this amazing feeling.

Eventually I got over that and we were hanging out and she said she would love to smoke weed with me. It had been about 6 months since I had smoked at this point and we had been together about 4 months now. The last time I smoked I was consumed by Harm OCD thoughts about my mother...so yeah it was a terrible experience previously. But I wanted to be a cool boyfriend and I don't like to fear anything because I believe the natural things such as weed and mushrooms; if used correctly; will bring a persons fear to the forefront of their mind where it can't be ignored so we can face them and get over them. We smoked weed together for about two weeks in which my anxiety was all over the place...some days it was non existent and some days the intrusive thoughts couldn't be ignored.

After this I got my first case (around a month ago) of an alarming I thought what happened if she isn't in this relationship for the best of me and wants me to lose my mind? Completely silly thought and I know she just wants to have fun and experience the simple pleasures in life. But the fact that I had the thought scared me greatly, and I worried that I may someday believe that thought (OCD kicking in...even though I know i wouldn't).

Then around a month ago we went to a music festival together and we went ate mushrooms together (this was the first time I had done this in 4+years). We spent the evening walking around the park; having a beautiful time and really poured our souls to one another. She told me about all kinds of experiences in life she had...and I told her about my anxiety and my HOCD thoughts which she was very supportive of and completely 100% accepting.

Then the following week my brain went into overdrive and tried convincing myself I have schizo. I was doing all kinds of personality tests; etc to see if i could have it. And the more I read the more I worry I have it...hence stumbling upon your site. I'm still struggling with the thoughts of what if my gf isn't in this for the best of me...etc. I know this to be false because her actions prove otherwise...but the thought bothers me and I don't want a thought ruining our relationship. I try to practice mindfulness and let the thoughts go which have been somewhat beneficial but I'm still worried I'll never look at her with the same.

About three weeks ago I also had a tremendously scary thought of "What if I only find pleasure in life by hurting people?". This made me want to vomit and run away as fast as I could... I believe the thought caused me so much anxiety and pain because I had been in a hyper-aware state for about 2 weeks. Basically I have come to the conclusion that my anxiety changes "faces" and addresses the things I am most scared of and when I face the anxiety and conquer it, it just manifests itself into some other fear.

For the past month and foreseeable future I have vowed not to drugs again, or smoke pot. I don't drink more than two beers when out. Currently I am meditating, running around 3 miles a day, and on a healthy diet. No caffeine, processed sugar, wheat, dairy, etc.

I have felt a lot better lately but yesterday I made the mistake of going on a "google binge" and then worrying and worrying some more until I felt like I was going to break.

Keep in mind throughout all this I have been working my way up via promotions in my job. I work as a wholesale broker for a company in FL, which unfortunately allows me to google to my hearts content when it is slow ha! I have been practicing letting the thoughts pass and just being a good person. I truly believe I am a good person and this is an opportunity to learn about my fears and when I overcome them I would love to help people that have similar issues. I want to make the world a better place, but first I suppose I need to help myself. I have the courage to face this, and I am confident I will overcome this eventually. I won't let this define me as a person.

P.S. I also forgot to mention between these periods and anxiety I have had times and even long stretches of time when I have felt 100% normal with no anxiety at all. I have a great family, friends and girlfriend. The thought of "losing" my mind terrifies me...

[AlwaysWondering182]

Sounds a lot like me, my friend. The psychadelics, the starting and stopping weed, thinking you have different disorders and always trying to figure it out. I've also had very random thoughts about hurting people or animals that just seem to appear out of no where. At first I thought I had social anxiety because I was fearful of people, but it's more or less the fact that my mind is always obessing over something negative that I couldn't keep a conversation going and felt awkward around people. That led me to be avoidant of people and I started researching and really thought I had Social Anxiety Disorder. I am more inclined to believe it might be some form of OCD now though.

I really identify with the last part where you said there have been times, even long periods where you were absolutely 100% fine with NO anxiety. I go through that too. My anxiety seems to come and go for months at a time and I can't figure out what triggers it or what makes it go away. I've been in and out of an "anxiety state" (I don't know what else to call it) more than 5 times now. I am also very fearful of losing my mind, losing my intelligence, etc. I am scared because even though I am very anxious right now, I am fairly confident it will go away, it just always seems to come back.

Sorry this probably doesn't help you man, just wanted you to know I feel a lot of the same things. We're in this together. If anyone can offer any insight please do

[kaliope]

hi takeaction
it sounds like you know your problem...anxiety,...and googling too much...I took an abnormal psych class and what you are talking about with the toughts of hurting others my teacher described as perfectly normal thoughts. he even used the knife example as an example in class...googling illness and making it your own is just part of yoru anxiety. if you could just stay off the internet you would stress yourself out much less. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post aobut your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[richeye]

You probably need medication. I identify with so much in your story. I still feel embarrassed about some intrusive thoughts, but i know they are only mental bogeymen.

Yoga and exercise and mindful meditation helps with ocd, but i still feel you need medication. Medication for ocd is nothing like street drugs or alcohol. I also recommend seeing a psychotherapist. you shouldn't fight this battle alone.