[Overcoming OCD]

I originally titled this "Involuntary Actions Versus Compulsions," but I hated that I couldn't think of a better way to word the title... I recognize that compulsions are involuntary when the anxiety has taken control, so "involuntary" isn't a great distinction term.

I do have compulsions, which follow the simplified pattern of thinking, "but I NEED to do this, or else ________________," before committing the action.

For me, though, this is different from what I think of as my "involuntary actions."

When I'm afraid of doing something, I'll become so terrified that the body part in question is inevitably going to do that action that it actually ends up happening.

For example, say I'm afraid of "thrusting my breasts at someone." I'll become extremely hyper-aware of and fixated on my breasts, and I'll go through this sort of mental panic where I'll be terrified of thrusting my breasts, and then, there I am, thrusting them (generally not in any sort of dramatic way that would be noticeable to anyone else). Then I'll be like, "Oh no, WHAT AM I DOING, I'm doing it, oh no I did it, now I've betrayed my boyfriend!!!"

This manifests in other ways as well. I'll be terrified of touching someone, and before I know what's happening my hand "twitches" towards them, for example. I never actually touch anyone, or even get close to it, but that can still be stressful.

The things involving my body alone like the breast example, though, are worse lately. Especially when the whole process feels like it's happening in slow motion, and there's a moment when I realize I'm doing the action but I'm also kind of frozen mentally for a second so I don't stop right away, and then afterwards I'm like, "WHY didn't I stop???!!!"

And then there's the fact that this happens so often it can even happen when I'm not all that anxious, like my brain's used to the pattern, but because I wasn't super anxious afterwards I feel like I did it on purpose and I once again worry that I've betrayed my boyfriend or committed some kind of crime.

It isn't voluntary, right? I mean sure, there have been moments when I expected it would happen where I probably could have better distracted myself or something, but if it wasn't one thing one time, it would have been another thing at another time. I'll go into a situation with no plans to do anything wrong and I'll find myself having done a million things wrong by the time I leave.

Anyhoo, I was hoping someone could point me in the direction of information regarding this phenomena. So far, most of what I've found relating to involuntary actions and OCD relates to the overlap between OCD and Tourrettes, which while important, isn't exactly what I'm looking for.

Has anyone else experienced things like this? Or are they not involuntary at all, and I'm actually doing something wrong/purposefully? It really feels involuntary in the sense that, again, I won't plan on betraying my boyfriend or thrusting body parts at someone when I walk into a situation, but after I'll be able to name a litany of things I've done wrong.

[Eva_Star]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I'm definitely not a professional and I don't know a name for this but it seems you need to create new reactions to stimuli. This is what CBT is all about. Have you tried this form of therapy? It's like right now it feels involuntary because your brain is used to doing these motions/responses to the information you take in...CBT would help you create new responses and break the pattern. It would, at the very least, give you control over your actions...so you would have a choice whether to do the compulsion or not.