Hocd.. ? Pls read/respond :( urgent.

Hi guys! PLS PAY ATTENTION.

I'm a 20 year old female and it seems I've been suffering with these thoughts for about... 2 or more weeks now. I don't know how the 'Am I/could I be gay?' thoughts came about but I know that when they surfaced, they were AWFUL. I was frightened and would wake up in a heightened state of anxiety. I started looking at every female I saw thinking 'am I attracted to her?', ones I would not even generally find attractive, I do come from a religious background so maybe that impacts the thoughts more I DON'T KNOW but I know that I don't want to be gay... Or bisexual for that matter.

I've dealt with a few sexual harassment issues in the past (not women, men), and generally have found it kind of hard to trust men but it doesn't mean I don't want to be with one! I have tons of female friends and have always confided in them about how I feel, but now I don't really feel like talking to them. I get uncomfortable.. Heck I even get uncomfortable around my own sisters at home (if they're wearing vests and you can see their cleavage lol).

Earlier this year I met a guy at uni and he seemed so nice.. very caring and attentive and when I started getting feelings for him I felt SO lucky. Like "ahhhhh" a sense of relief, then around May 2015 I began feeling depressed (I don't know why.. it just happened, maybe cos of the sexual harassment .. Keep reading) and he became more distant. According to him he didn't really know how to 'deal with it' anyways so we stopped talking, he tried to understand my anxiety (at the time I wasn't dealing with HOCD) and well... he ended up walking away anyway! GREAT TIMING(!)

APART FROM THAT, I've had a manipulative boyfriend in the past, I did like him etc but he sort of pressurised me into having sex when I didn't want to. I used to feel really horrible back then because I didn't want it, and it was too soon for me to be having sex.. I was 15/16. A little earlier than that I THOUGHT I liked one of my closest female friends ever but she was kind of macho lol and I felt very emotionally connected with her but it went away very quickly. It was kind of like me experimenting and I never thought anything of it because I didn't actually feel like I liked her. I just felt bonded? IDK.
But I remember liking another boy then.. And once I got over that boy I got with my then boyfriend.

Then I've dealt with a few sexual harassment issues after that, the latest one being earlier this year where a guy inappropriately touched me on my behind. Anyways I felt I could open up to the guy I liked (the UNI one who walked away when sh** hit the fan) about the incident earlier this year and the ones in the past (I didn't tell him about my ex) and he seemed to genuinely care, I felt protected in a sense, kind of like I've found my missing piece. But I remember when he wasn't as attentive to me because of exams I felt that he didn't care and I would sometimes cry because he would read my messages and be on separate social networking apps but not speak to me lol... I felt unimportant basically. I WAS OVERTHINKING SUCH SMALL THINGS. When me and him first kissed it reminded me of my and I felt disgusted when my 'crush' (let's call it that) kissed me only because it reminded me of my past experience.. Then whenever we would kiss after that I seemed to be ok, in fact I quite liked it. It's only when my 'crush' grabbed my bum through my clothes and I said 'don't' (because I felt it was too premature to have a deep physical connection because of the harassment in the past) that's when I began to feel quite sh**. Maybe because in my previous relationship I felt I had no say whenever he would mention wanting to have sex, so when this guy grabbed my bum and kept doing it despite me saying 'no don't', it reminded me of the past and me feeling 'powerless' I guess. Psychologically and emotionally..

ANYWAYS APART FROM ALL THAT, I don't know where these CRAP thoughts about me possibly being a lesbian have come about. I know I've had a bit of a rough experience with my past in terms of men but that doesn't mean I don't want to be with one, I always wished I would marry a supportive, loving, caring man and have kids with him. It does feel like HOCD, because I'm not afraid about 'coming out', it's just I don't want to be GAY. LESBIAN. WHATEVER! I don't. Sometimes when I feel relaxed I imagine myself with a loving guy who understands my past, and it brings me relief. But once this HOCD sh** surfaced my attraction towards men had lowered, I started noticing every female (even my own female siblings!) and second guessing everything... I've tried to let it pass but I wake up sometimes feeling so horrible, my whole day is just.. I'm just either lounging around thinking things over and over and it's horrible.

I don't want anyone to tell me I'm in denial. I've never thought about any of this before, I have Generalised Anxiety and Depression from before but this HOCD is completely new, I remember having a random thought the other day after looking in the mirror about if I ever wanna be a man!? WHAT! I've always been somewhat comfortable with my appearance.. I don't want to be a man nor be with a woman. Sometimes I try and imagine myself with a woman and I get a little anxiety, then my mind confuses me to think "did I actually think I want that?"

I've got the harassment to deal with, then my ex-boyfriend issues, then this sh** HOCD. I don't have any compulsions far as I'm aware but they're just persistent thoughts.. Occupy about 16+ hours of my day. Sigh
NHS have SHORT TERM counselling, it's not fair. I can't even afford private, I've had counselling before for Health Anxiety and it was short term and I believe I need a holistic approach to all my issues from a CBT perspective- just can't find anyone affordable! It's so frustrating, I don't want anyone to say "well what if you were a lesbian?" cos I don't wanna be. I DON'T.

I admit to watching lesbian porn in the past because I found it less "aggressive" than straight porn, and I was turned on by it but I only saw it as porn. I wasn't addicted though, it was an every now and then thing.
Or if I would masturbate I would fantasize about women then end up moaning my crushes name (male ofc).. Lol gross I know. ANYWAYS, that's my story in a nutshell.

pls help.. I've always been a worrier but after these thoughts I feel the quality of my life has decreased dramatically. Sigh.

If it makes you feel any better, I am going through the same exact thing. You are not alone and you can get through this.

wow. That is heavy stuff. I think if you are suffering from OCD, I think it is likely that you have sexually related intrusive thoughts. I am working through trying not to engage these thoughts. It is hard, but know that you are not alone.

Now I feel like maybe I am turning into a lesbian and accepting the thoughts because it isn't causing me as much distress as before but this whole thing has made me question my identity altogether. I can't even look at my past pleasantly anymore, I really thought I knew who I was as a person and this is just making me question everything
If I try and really imagine if I want to be with a woman the idea does not bring comfort as it would if I truly imagine to want to be with a man. Then I get a thought that men are quite unemotional sometimes and I won't find an 'emotional' guy, so I may as well settle with a woman?
This is all just making me want to self-harm..

But how would I even approach this issue? I have family issues (emotionally distant father and not very close with my sisters), then I have the sexual harassment, then I have the manipulative boyfriend, then now these HOCD thoughts (or I hope it is this anyway) which I feel are trying to make a home in my mind... man. Why did my teenage years have to be ruined with anxiety? I've heavily obsessed about my health before, and death. So maybe this is relating to the obsessions from before too, but it was never this... heavy.
Maybe because health and death is related to just me but HOCD is about my identity and which sex I prefer.
****!!