[MusicianMan20]

My life is going nowhere and it never will. Why you may ask. I am depressed. I believe I have intrusive thoughts and they are ruining my life. Now I said I believe I do because I have never been diagnosed, because I have never told anyone and tried to get help. The thing is if I ever do go in I WILL be diagnosed with something. If I don’t actually have intrusive thoughts then I am a hypochondriac. But I am pretty sure that it is intrusive thought because I have thoughts that I don’t want that I can’t get rid of and they are having a devastating effect on my life. And that the last time I checked that is what intrusive thoughts are. So why don’t I go in to get checked? Because if I go in and get help they will have to diagnose me to treat me. If I get diagnosed with any mental or anxiety disorder, such as intrusive thoughts, my dreams of making it into the military are over because GAD and almost all other forms of an anxiety disorder are disqualifying. Not to mention if I require medication for any of these that can be an immediate disqualification.

So I guess that means I can’t continue my dreams of the military but I still need help because even if I wasn’t diagnosed without help I will probably lose it. It is beginning to be too much to take already. So other than not being able to do what I have always wanted to do, what else is keeping me from getting help. I don’t want help because I do not believe in therapy. I really don’t think talking my problems through or being told anything will stop my thoughts. It doesn’t matter what anyone says because whatever they say I will have to interpret and it and with all the thinking I have done on this since I was born I haven’t found a solution so unless there are magic words that will heal me I don’t think the problems and challenges God had me born with will ever be fixed by words.

I could take medication but I have heard the stories of how medication doesn’t always help and there are so many side effects and things that could go wrong and make me feel even worse. Not to mention I don’t want to develop and for of dependence on medication. I don’t necessarily mean addiction as much as I mean that if I stop and my thoughts have just been in the background building up and they just flood in if I stop the medication.

But I should at least try right? Well I have many other problems that are also ruining my life. Due to my thoughts I have become severely depressed, also disqualifying for military, and started to try out forms of self-harm. I also believe I may have anxiety such as GAD. I also have never liked the taste of any foods or eating. I feel sick when I have to eat and don’t like to eat much. Because of my intrusive thoughts and anxiety I do not like spending time with others which has made me lonely, which then adds to my depression. I can’t see anywhere to go and I can’t see any help coming from anything.

While thinking about how lonely I am I have also realized how pathetic I am of a person. I don’t like being with people because I get anxious and I get thoughts, I am not creative, I am not artistic, I am depressing and make conversations sad, I don’t like to eat anything, I am very insecure and insults hurt me more than they really should, I don’t know anything about current news or drama, I don’t know anything about any sports, I am horrible with any form of people skills and starting and holding a conversation, my grades are starting to drop and I am starting to fail because I am getting stressed which causes anxiety and thoughts to grow worse, I am not attractive, I don’t have a social life and have very little followers on any form of social media (even though all I do is spend time online since I hate my life and the internet keeps me distracted, I am have done self-harm, I have horrible relationship skills due to all these problems, I have horrible handwriting with both of my hands, I don’t enjoy even simple things that used to make me happy, I am very dependent because I do not know how to do really anything.

All of these problems are the reason I hate myself and my life and I have no way of fixing them. I do not know how to get help because I have never tried and I have never told anyone about these problems. I don’t even know why I am alive with all of these things crushing me. I am pathetic. I am not a normal person and I doubt I ever will be. I don’t have any friends and my family doesn’t know what is wrong with me and think that I am just too lazy to do anything. They don’t understand that I hate my life and that I stay up all night most nights thinking about everything I have screwed up in my life sitting anxious in the corner of my room crying at the intrusive thoughts I get that tell me I should end it all. I hate myself more every day. I hate the things I have said, I hate the things people have said to me, I hate my life and my problems, and I hate that I don’t know how to get help and that I don’t know how to end all this suffering that is eating me away inside. The demons that lurk inside me, the pain and struggle to get through each day knowing I will have to face my thoughts and anxiety and knowing that nobody cares about me and why should they. Why should anyone love me when I don’t even love myself? Why should anyone care about me when I don’t care about my own life? I don’t know what to do and talking her doesn’t really help but at least it is something to distract me and keep me occupied in the boring progression that is my life. I have nowhere else to go and I don’t even know if I belong here.

[Moogieotter]

Hi,

Sorry you are struggling. To me, it sounds like you are holding on to a belief system and a set of values that is not getting you the results you want in life. You might need to adopt a completely different set of life fundamentals to get more out of life.

Assuming you have resouces, ie health insurance and/or money, I think you should seek at least 6 weeks of comprehensive full residential inpatient care. You sound close to full blown crisis and need to be open to the best therapy and medical treatment you can afford. An open mind to completely redo your approach to life should serve you well.

Good luck, welcome to PC!

moogs

[Daphnelover]

Those things (therapy, meds) may not work, but just sitting there doing nothing isn't working either, right? Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and try something new. If you don't want to try therapy or drugs, try reading some books on OCD and intrusive thoughts. There are you tube videos out there, too. Talk to someone in your family. Reaching out is a great first step. There is always hope. Don't give up. I'm sorry you're struggling so much and wish you nothing but the best.