I Need Help.

Today I decided to post about my difficulty on figuring out what is wrong with me. So it all started when I was about 8 or 9 years old, I was bullied and so I would be sad a lot. It felt normal to me. When I got a little older I was bullied for being fat and ugly and just weird in middle school. In high school I always felt sad and wanted to die. I tried to cut myself but it hurt a lot so I didnt do it anymore. I was told I was a lesbian. I had a lot of crushes on guys but they never liked me back because I am fat. And when I say I am fat, I mean I am fat. I am a 19 year old 335 pound female virgin who has never kisses a guy before. When I was smaller I always loved animals and people. I was helpful and kind. I wanted to help people who were in need. I've always had an interest in detectives and horror movies. I'm just like my dad. When I was around 8 my mom left my brother and I because of drugs she has been clean for 10 years now and I forgive her. My dad is emotionally abusive or maybe I think he is. I am now living with my mom and am not going to college because I have to stay home to take care of my 1 year old brother. I had anxiety for awhile, like a year. About a couple of weeks after my little brother was born a thought popped up. "Smother him," it said. I don't physically hear it. It's like a voice in my head. Its my voice though. I got depressed. Did not want to eat. Wanted to kill myself. They got worse and now I have had them for a year I am taking Zoloft and via tail there was a time when I was able to forget about them and they didn't bother me. Sometimes it'll be like "oh you want to hurt him you want to." And since I have anxiety I will be like omg I want to do it, no I dont. When I get angry I grab a knife and tell myself, "look you are grabbing the knife but you are not hurting them just because there is a thought doesn't mean it is real." I would never hurt anyone but I just get very frustrated. My psychiatrists says that intrusive thoughts are not normal. When I first had intrusive thoughts I didn't make dinner I never got near my family I stopped watching scary movies. I just need someone to talk to. Someone to assure me I am not crazy and this is normal and someone to tell me what they think I might have. Thanks and I hope all of you find pecs within yourselves. Also when I talked to a psychiatrist at a crisis center he told me it was ocd so I am kids stickingo his diagnosis. Much love.

To me it sounds as if you are experiencing OCD with themes around harm. I think everybody has intrusive thoughts at times, but when they stop a person from doing things they used to do or would have been able to do then it becomes a disorder. No need to worry. It doesn't mean that you are crazy.

I also get intrusive thoughts that I am a pedophile and that I am attracted to children when in fact I love kids and am good with them but not in a romantic and sexual way. Goes the same for family members and my pets. It is just difficult because I know that I would die for my family and my pets. I am very caring of the people I love and just people in general. I plan to become a person that helps others in need. I wanted to go to the peace corps. My anxiety and intrusive thoughts stop me from doing that kind of.

I agree with convalescence. It sounds like a harm theme in there. Maybe there is some depression in there, but mainly OCD for sure. Are you doing any type of therapy right now? That may help you reduce these thoughts. And this doesn't mean you're crazy or else I'd be crazy with you .

Social anxiety disorder, GAD, OCD, and panic attacks

Lexapro, 10 mg

Hi 96Pokemon,

I'm sorry to hear you've been having a bad time. Intrusive thoughts seem to be fairly normal. I can only describe my personal experience:

I used to have them and random flash backs when I suffered from anxiety and depression. Mine were focussed on things that I wish had been different and mistakes that I'd made. These were grouped in a specific area of interest and were repetitive and the same at first. As the problems I had worsened because of work place bullying, the flashbacks and intrusive thoughts related to work issues and magnified everything and there were so many of them. It contributed to full on anxiety and panic attacks.

After years of counselling and different ways of framing ideas, these thoughts reduced. My understanding was that they were repressed thoughts and things which I feared - I had always tried to think my way out of problems, but anxiety is caused by the inability to answer a question. Only by reducing the amount of anxiety that I had could I work away from these thoughts (in the end not everything needs to be answered). At one point, my entire day was filled by them, but now, it's fairly rare to get them. It was made worst by overthinking and not having things to distract me. I moved from a scenario of things that I thought were nice, to going for things that I really wanted (if that makes any sense) and tried so hard to be happy. In the end, I realised I had been restricting myself and that caused some problems itself -all the problems I had related to people and poor interactions and low esteem.

The only thing I can suggest about overcoming this is to really focus on the things which are most important to you. Pick a few and make sure you enjoy these as this will give you some kind of strong base to work from. There is nothing that cannot be changed. It may take hard work, but things can change in time. Good luck.

Thank you for the replies. I greatly appreciate it. And your stories help me to see I am not alone. I wish you all a great journey to mental wellness.