[MusicianMan20]

Hey guys. I am still kind of new at this so I am probably going to be really bad at talking about this and describing it but feels good to talk about it. I have made to other posts but I put them in anxiety however I feel this may actually be a better place to post about my issue. I am going to write a really long passage but please if you are willing to read this and reply with your thoughts that would mean the world to me.

I, although never being diagnosed, am positive I have intrusive thoughts. I have always had them but I never really noticed or understood what they were until I was told by a friend about intrusive thoughts and after looking it up and researching it I can see the signs. I have always had intrusive thoughts but I never understood that they weren't normal. I know that most people have them so it is kind of normal but I should have known long ago how severe mine were, and are.

First I would like to talk about what my thoughts are like. It is hard for me to type this out let alone say it, which is one of the reasons I haven’t got help. I get very violent thoughts towards other things.

Possible trigger:

I get thoughts, almost like visions but in a distorted way, about hurting people and it makes me fear I will act upon them. As an example sometimes when I am at school I feel like I might stab someone with the pencil I am writing with or that I will stop cutting the paper I am cutting and slash another person with the scissors.

But I also get various other thoughts such as sexual thoughts like I want to kiss and act in very inappropriate ways with people around me. I always just thought that I was perverted or had some kind of sexual attraction problem but looking back I can’t imagine it in that way because I DO NOT want these thoughts. I do not want to be attracted to these people I do not want to kiss these people I don’t want to interact with the people in the ways that I think of. I am a straight male but even so I get these sexual thoughts towards men. I get them for both genders but I believe it is the fact that I hangout with/am around my friends more often than I am around girls that make these more common. Lastly I also get horrible thoughts that I will start cussing or shouting profanities. I was raised very religious so I was thought not to say bad words or say/have inappropriate words or thoughts. I do not know if this is a factor to why I have these or why they are so bad but I think it may. I feel like I will cuss and sometimes I feel like people can hear me when I have these thoughts. Sometimes I feel like people can hear these thoughts that are screaming from within me. Again as I said I am religious and this really hurts because it makes it very hard to go to Church and religious ceremonies because I am constantly feeling like I will start screaming and cussing and mess up the mass. I have also begun to have sporadic cuss words towards myself where I cuss myself out and insult myself and others

Possible trigger:

and sometimes I just keep telling myself to kill myself and I get thoughts of it. I don’t really want to die. I have wanted to before because I thought I was just some insane person all alone and that I couldn’t get help but now I have hope.

Now I have developed one friend in particular who has really helped me through my struggles.

I get these intrusive thoughts quite often. They aren't on any kind of schedule or pattern so I can’t really describe how often I get them, however I do have certain things that trigger my thoughts which I encounter periodically and on a schedule. Triggers that I have come up with from when I get thoughts most frequently are
1) When I am around people. Size doesn’t matter but the more people there the more severe I find the thoughts to be.
2) When I am really close to people. This is different from #1 because this is when I get the sexual thoughts. If I am in close proximity to someone else (arms distance away) I am FAR more likely to get these thoughts.
3) When I am doing very stressful tasks. This can be anything from work, homework, an assignment, etc.
4) When I am embarrassed. If I feel embarrassed or frightened in any way I often get intrusive thoughts.

Regardless of what causes my thoughts they have gotten to the point where I do not want to do much anymore. I often exclude myself from others and try to avoid all of the situations above. I try to stay away from sharp objects especially when under stress. I try to avoid being close to people. This has led to me spending most of my time in my room alone. I do not go out much and when I do it is normally only for things I HAVE to do such as go to school and have dinner. I want to be freed from these thoughts because I feel like a prisoner to them. I can’t just accept them and live, I know people have success with that but mine hurt too much and I feel like I am going to break down and cry anytime I get these thoughts and sometimes I even get panic attacks (or so I think). I start getting really nervous, I start sweating (normally to a point past when I workout), I start to shake and I become very lightheaded and disorientated. I have had many bad diseases (diagnosed and blood tested) and I can tell you nothing I have had feels worse than these thoughts and panic attacks.

These thoughts have led to me feeling extremely lonely and depressed and now I have many other problems. I am AFRAID of these thoughts! They have started causing me anxiety because I fear them and I know that they are bound to happen. I have become depressed and lonely because of these thoughts and all I ever do is spend time alone often with not much to do other than play/listen to music and play videogames.

I really just want to be happy. I do smile, and laugh, and get excited sometimes however it never lasts anymore. I do get happy but only until I get an intrusive thought and then I get depressed again and I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like these thoughts are literally killing and going to kill me.

About that friend I mentioned earlier (this is on topic trust me). I like her very much, and yes in a romantic way, and you may be like well you are fine around her. However I get thoughts when talking to her and I haven’t even met her in real life. She lives far away and we can’t meet up yet, maybe next year. I know I am taking a risk but I talk to her and I video call her on Skype and Hangouts and we talk. She said/says she likes me too, after almost eight months of talking to each other (eight months today on Christmas actually). But the thing is I get these thoughts all the time because even when we just talk or video chat I sometimes have those panic attack things and I feel horrible. I have told her all of this and we have both talked to each other about our problems, she has some too (not intrusive thoughts) and I think that helps me. She tries to talk me through them even when I am having them and it just hurts so bad. Also I have not told anyone I know about her. About her being real I have video chatted with her and I have asked her questions through it and she has responded and I can't see how it could be fake.

Help. I want to know how to get help. People have told me, “You need help” or “go to a therapist” but thanks a lot that is pretty much like walking in on the first day of school and the teacher saying, “Read the math book and do all the work, by yourself”. I know I should just be able to go and tell my parents but it isn’t that easy. I am pretty sure everyone in my family sees me as a hypochondriac. I purposely try to get sick and want to be sick because then I can be alone and I am able to hide from my triggers. So going to them about this isn’t that easy. Not to mention I have trouble talking about typing this out know let alone speaking it. I have told an older sibling and they asked why I hadn’t said anything before and if I was embarrassed but no I am not embarrassed I am SCARED I am scared to death by these thoughts and I want to find a way to stop or at least control them. I think my sibling told my parents that I was depressed and even before I told the sibling my parents have asked me if I am okay and if I want to talk but I keep saying I am fine because I can’t find a good time to say it and I don’t know how to say it. I have been told to not tell them and just get help on my own but I am not going to drive myself somewhere and talk to a shrink about my problems without talking to my parents let alone I don’t think I would be able to because they would probably want to contact my parents and everyone in the town knows me and my parents, it is a small town. I REALLY need help.

I am so sorry that this is so long but I really need the help. I don’t think anyone can understand how much I truly need this help.

I do have some questions I would like answered also. Do these sound like intrusive thoughts? If not what are they? How can I get help? How can I tell my family? Is it bad that I am talking/liking this person online? Is it a bad idea to meet up with them especially knowing that my thoughts are the WORST when it comes to people I care about (and I do care about her more than anyone else I have ever met)? Also yes that includes my parents because my parents haven’t been as understanding towards me, even though I haven’t really done a good job of letting them in.

I would like to thank you all for taking the time to read this and hopefully you can give me a response on how I can get help or what to do.

Thanks again! And Happy Holidays to all of you!!

MusicianMan20

[Nishan]

i'm ESL
your issue is complex
i know a situation like this'
these was a person,some intrusive thoughts(same like yours) comes to his mind and he suffered from it
he went to psychiatrists and took different medicines and counselling
no he is ok

i'm not just tell you 'go and see a therepist' but
1) your problem can fixed by a professional because intrusive thoughts repeatedly comes to you mind
if it rarely comes to your mind ( like 1 or 2 times per day ) some advice and behavior lessons will cure it. but only professionals know to how to solve complex
(i mean by therapist - psychiatrists and counselor,)

2)taking pills and counseling ( Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is the best method
OCD and anxiety not only cured by medicine , but medicine + counseling must need, many people who take only pills are just undercontrol not cured )
i saw this in many real life persons


keep your intrusive thoughts problem secret,but
when you see a therapist tell him everything without hide, a psychiatrist doctor told me ' if you are more open to your therapist it give more good result to you'

and you need to change some your life routines

replay here

[M3233]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way! These types of things really do suck. Yes these do sound like intrusive thoughts to me. The thing with intrusive thoughts is that everyone gets them, but most people don't really get concerned about them. However, one of the trademarks of OCD is that these thoughts cause anxiety and interfere with your life. I have been diagnosed with OCD and have had similar 'themes' to the ones you spoke about specifically fear of harming others, fear of all kinds of sexual things, and fear of acting out inappropriately, so you are not alone. I'm not saying you definitely have OCD, but in my (limited) experience, you seem to have some of the symptoms of it.

You are correct in that you need to talk to your parents to get professional help. Maybe you could try writing them an email or letter and leave it some place they would see it. Since you were able to write about it here, maybe that will be a more comfortable way for you to communicate with them. You could even print out or show them the post you wrote. When you see a mental health professional, if you are scared (although there is no reason to be scared, it's common and normal) or don't know where to start, you could also show them what you wrote here. Oh and if you ever do seriously feel like killing yourself, please seek help immediately by preferably telling a trusted adult, but also by going to the ER or calling a crisis hotline if you need too.

I hope you get help and start feeling better soon!