[John Smith111]

OCD / PARANOIA HELL

I f I am honest; I have had OCD for many Years but have done nothing to address it. I noticed a few Years back, the situation was getting worse. I would have to check that taps were switched off. Doors locked time and time again, electrics off etc. Sometimes I would return home 10 miles into a journey because even though I shut the front door, I didn’t believe it so I would check and go home.

It has come to a crisis point in the last Month following an incident in my job. Fingers were pointing at me as a scape goat for the errors which involved a customer, the consequences of which could be terrible for the client and organisation. I was so worried and paranoid that I took matters into my own hands and tried to sort the mess out from home, all from and irrational chaotic thoughts that were racing in my mind.

I researched the internet and came to the conclusion that although my intentions were purely a mistake and error and that there were no malicious intentions, the law says that I should have known.

I have convinced myself that I am at least a criminal and will pay with blood.

Over the last Week, I have imagined the scenario of being arrested, taken to court and imprisoned. I fear that the client will sue me and I will lose my house, savings and pension.

Of course, nothing has happened yet and the chances are that nothing will come of it. However, this repetitive cycle of gloomy thoughts is playing over and over again, just like a ‘broken record’.

I feel that I may never know the outcome of these mistakes, until if and when someone comes knocking at my door.

I would be very grateful for any thoughts please

Thankyou

[Skeezyks]

Hello John Smith111: Welcome to PsychCentral! I'm sorry you are experiencing such difficulty. Of course, not knowing the details of what occurred, it is hard to say much of anything very specific. It does seem as though there would be a difference between making an honest mistake on the one hand (even if one should have known better), & intentionally trying to deceive. An honest mistake with regard to which one should have known better may get one reprimanded or even fired. But it is not a criminal act.

Still, these sorts of experiences can haunt a person long after they are over-&-done with. I've had a bit of experience with this. What I try to do is to simply allow these kinds of thoughts to come up as they will. I smile to them & breathe into them. Sometimes I will place my hand over my heart as a sign of compassion for them. They are only thoughts. They have no power over me beyond what I cede them. They also have no connection to what may or may not come to pass, in real life. They only foment worry & stress.

It may, I would presume, also be beneficial to talk this experience through with someone. So if you are not currently seeing a therapist, it may be useful for you to seek one out both in order to resolve your feelings regarding this particular incident, but also just in order to help you manage your OCD-like thought patterns in general.

My best wishes to you...

[John Smith111]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello John Smith111: Welcome to PsychCentral! I'm sorry you are experiencing such difficulty. Of course, not knowing the details of what occurred, it is hard to say much of anything very specific. It does seem as though there would be a difference between making an honest mistake on the one hand (even if one should have known better), & intentionally trying to deceive. An honest mistake with regard to which one should have known better may get one reprimanded or even fired. But it is not a criminal act.

Still, these sorts of experiences can haunt a person long after they are over-&-done with. I've had a bit of experience with this. What I try to do is to simply allow these kinds of thoughts to come up as they will. I smile to them & breathe into them. Sometimes I will place my hand over my heart as a sign of compassion for them. They are only thoughts. They have no power over me beyond what I cede them. They also have no connection to what may or may not come to pass, in real life. They only foment worry & stress.

It may, I would presume, also be beneficial to talk this experience through with someone. So if you are not currently seeing a therapist, it may be useful for you to seek one out both in order to resolve your feelings regarding this particular incident, but also just in order to help you manage your OCD-like thought patterns in general.

My best wishes to you...

Thanks Skeezyks for your wise words. I think the finer details are best left out of course. However, I genuinely made an error / mistake and had no intention to cause problems down the line. I guess hindsite makes me feel that I should have know how to avoid the problem in the first place but ignorance does not weigh very well. I have made an appointment with my doctor to discuss OCD feelings as I feel that this one incident has sparked a whole host of self doubt and concerns about the reliability of everything I do professionally and domestically

Sincere thanks

John

[BeaFlower]

Welcome to PC John. I'm sorry...when I have done, or think to have done,a mistake, I feel terrible too, probably also because of OCD. Hope that nothing happens...I don't think that it will. Could you talk to your boss, explaining that it wasn't your intention?
Wish you all the best, with this and with OCD in general. Welcome again

[John Smith111]

Thanks BeaFlower, I shave spoken to my boss, she said dont worry. i have since seen my doctor who is refering me to a therapist. it may be a waiting list but she gave me sertraline as a trial period... thanks

[coyotee]

I hope you find some resolution to this soon. A simple mistake can open up a lot of doors for anxiety, like you said.

Maybe think long and hard about the good things you've done for the company. It will boost your mood a bit to think about how your unique actions in other situations may have contributed good things for the company. Also, then if you ever get confronted for a mistake, then you would have some evidence to defend your position also.

It's also pretty apparent from your couple of posts that you do genuinely seem to care about doing a good job. And honestly, if that's resonating from just two posts, I have to imagine that other people you work with can also tell, and that speaks volumes. I've seen countless people get fired because they stopped caring about their work and slacked off. I've also seen a lot of others KEEP their jobs despite some big costly mistakes, because they cared enough about the job to correct themselves and be better next time. You're worthy of a second chance.

[BeaFlower]

I'm glad that your boss told you not to worry Hope that a therapist and meds will help you Well done for talking to people who can help you!