[Pinnamed]

I'm a real lover of all the holidays that occur throughout the year, especially the ones that take place during the final months of the year; Halloween, Thanksgiving and the Christmas season. As such, i like to do what i can to get into the mood of every holiday that holds meaning to me (though some don't honestly), even if all that means is watching shows and movies that have elements relating to them.

In the case of Halloween and Christmas, there is often too much to watch and not enough time to do it. So, i've been trying to find ways to make this idea work and still be able to enjoy the holidays without much issue. I've even begun trying to use a plan in regards to Halloween in recent years, so that i would have time to get into the mood for that and my own Birthday.

You see, the plan was for me to start watching my "Halloween marathon" in August, and then, because my Birthday was in the first two weeks of October, i was to get into the Birthday mood in September. The August part of my plan worked to a degree (though a few issues with my bodily functions caused a bit of a problem), but the September part ran into a snag as the following threads will explain better. Now, the looming memory of what went on last month still haunts me and keeps from being completely enjoy the events of October, even though rare happy events have happened this month.

My mother actually bought three Halloween props for me to get into the Halloween spirit when we went to the market and I even got to take some pictures of Wal-Mart's Halloween decorations and displays the very same day. But all of that was rendered moot in the long run, since later that very same day, she basically teased me regarding an OCD issue i have with keeping my hands clean. She wouldn't even hear me try to explain myself, as she now dismisses them as excuses, suffice it to say; that hurt and i can't forgive her for that. I don't care if she did buy those props, now looking at them just reminds me of her insults, the same with the pictures i took. What makes it worse is the fact that she still thinks she has every right to be behaving the way she is and that she's the victim here. SHE IS NOT! She's been horrible these days, and that's what keeping me from truly enjoying this month.

My Birthday itself was not altogether bad, but it could have been better, especially since i had a plan. For the most part; i did the things that i set out to do, and the things that i was worried about were either not much of an issue in the long run or no issue at all. The only issue was that things sort of dragged on a bit and i was not completely done with one particular action when the party guests started to arrive. Because of this, i was somewhat distracted when the festivities started, and my mind was already starting to veer off for the worst as it was. I wasn't entirely paying attention when the singing started and due to my stomach being a bit iffy these days, i couldn't completely enjoy the Birthday meal. Also, when my brother and his daughter arrived to wish me a happy birthday, I'm worried that i may have subtly and unintentionally insulted him, no one said anything about it, but still. I gave the day an 8/10 at the time, but, now i'm not so sure. The following day, we went to Ihop for a meal in recognition of my birthday and my brother's birthday, but due to memories of my own birthday and of the issues i've been having with my mother, i couldn't fully savor my time there, not even when the Ihop people did their Birthday ditty. This is an issue because, I just turned 25, a quarter of a century, that sounds like an important milestone. I could try and see 26 as a milestone too (the first birthday after 25 or something), but i just don't know.

As for the Halloween timeframe, well in addition to last year's issue of my mind almost fighting me at every turn when it comes to Halloween specials; i keep having thoughts that are clearly trying to drive me away from the holiday mood (I've even had moments where I'll skip directly to Thanksgiving), I'm also dealing with the memory of the issues my mother and had with each other. This is an issue because, it feels like there are a lot of good things happening for this Halloween; again, there are three new Halloween props in the house, i have a good costume in waiting (though I'm still not sure it will fit, even if it is XL), at least two Halloween specials, and a Halloween related TV show episode, have aired, with another on the way, and two Halloween themed movies have been reviewed online and i (more or less) liked them. And yet, with the issues i've had with my mother lately looming in my mind, i just can't savor any of it the way i should. She may have, more or less, gotten over it, but I'm not sure i ever will.

Also, my niece's birthday just came and went and we celebrated it at Chuck E. Cheese. I enjoyed my time there, but, every once in a while it felt like i could have done something better while i was there, like put more affection into the hugs i gave my niece, it was her special day after all.

Bottom line, it feels like every time i make a plan for how to celebrate the holidays and other special occasions, they always go astray somehow. I'm tired of that.

[detfan4life]

First of all, happy belated birthday! I'm glad that, for the most part, you were able to celebrate the way you wanted. Give yourself credit for that! There may have been points where you don't believe you fully enjoyed the experience, but that's in the past. You can take that experience and learn from it--and you can still have the happy memories that you created if everything wasn't perfect.

I've read your previous threads and it sounds like your relationship with your mother must be the primary tension-creator in your life (?). It must feel terrible to go through that day in and day out. I hope that writing about it over time to us can bring some relief, no matter how small. Have you spoken to a therapist about this? That may be useful even in the short term to help role-play some common conflicts in your relationship. I've found dialectical behavior therapy skills to be helpful too. There's a group of them called Interpersonal Effectiveness that can help you work better with difficult people. There are therapy groups you can join to learn them, but you can also google around to read information about it.
Some overview websites:
Reasons to use the skills:
IE Handout 1
Three types of goals for approaching a conflict: objective, relationship, and self-respect:
IE Handout 2
Factors making it hard to get what you want:
IE Handout 3
Cheerleading statements when making requests:
IE Handout 4
IE Handout 5
Figuring out how intense a request is:
IE Handout 6
Structuring your conversation for a request:
IE Handout 8

More thoughts to come soon.

[Pinnamed]

Well, Halloween came and went and i have to say, it wasn't too bad. One issue happened in the morning, but it ended up working to my advantage (for the most part). The results of what i had planned for Halloween night worked out pretty well too, but, I still can't help but feel like it could have been better, particularly during the preparation period.

When my mother asked me how this year's Halloween rated, i told her 7/10, but then she questioned why that was. She started to point out all of the good points of the day and they were valid points so i changed my rate to 8/10. Still though, it feels like the holiday could have still been... better. I tried to explain that to my mother via e-mail.

On a similar note, i'm having a somewhat hard time moving passed Halloween right now, because the spirit still echoes inside me. Kind of ironic really, since during the days leading up to that glorious night, my mind was practically blocking out all thoughts relating to it. Now don't get me wrong, i love Halloween, even as an adult, but it seems to me that i should be getting in the mood for the next big day; Thanksgiving.

[detfan4life]

I'm glad that you got up to an 8/10! That sounds pretty impressive given your concern leading up to it.

I don't think it's a problem to have Halloween still reverberating in you after. That sounds completely healthy to me. Granted, your mind can only cover so much at one time, but it is possible to still be enjoying a holiday that passed and begin preparing for the next holiday. So take heart, you are exactly where you need to be!

As far as preparing for the next holiday, what lessons can you take from this experience to help you? Maybe you have realized how much preparation means to you? The nice thing about holidays is that they come around over and over, so you get a chance to practice again and again. If you are someone who dreads holidays, this can of course be terrible, but I know that you love holidays. So I would focus on the positive fact that you get to learn from what comes before.

Although preparation and leading up to the holiday may be important to you, don't forget to be gentle with yourself! Perfection is only out there in the world as one possibility...things can go awry but you can still get up to 10/10 (or 9/10) as far as your acceptance of the situation. So I'd suggest doing your usual planning and structuring, but also plan in some time for reflection, relaxation, and just sitting with the joy of the season. The days will pass by no matter what happens, so we'll only get a finite number of chances to strike a balance between action and enjoyment.

What are your plans for the next holiday? I'd love to hear!

[Pinnamed]

Well, Thanksgiving is done (has been done for a while now), and like Halloween, part of the issues i was having stemmed from having trouble getting in the mood. My mind was also stuck on some pretty unsettling memories for part of the holiday, which hindered me a great deal, at least mentally. This even carried onto the following Friday, which was already going against my initial plans. First, i overslept until almost noon, then i had to go to the Bathroom right when i was in the middle of making lunch, then i allowed my curiosity to lead me to an image i wish i never saw and then, not only did i stay up to a little bit passed 3 am, my dog also had a negative reaction to the Thanksgiving leftovers I gave him. I spent the following Saturday dreading over that and it even caused issues between my mother and myself.

It's a well known fact that the Christmas season starts right after Thanksgiving, and yet i've spent following six days with issue. December first saw to it that i had to shower and my mother gave me a hard time because i was taking too long. What's more, December is already 2 days old about to be three and i still haven't gotten the decorations and tree out. Oh sure, I'm watching Christmas specials but that's not the same. My mother tells me that all i have to do is say when i'm ready to get the stuff out and that kind of makes me wish that i had done so sooner. I should probably do this tomorrow, but with my luck, i won't be in the mood. I really cannot wait too long with this, so you see my issues

[detfan4life]

Don't put too much pressure on yourself to have a perfect holiday season. You may not be in the mood now, but there's no reason why that won't change at some point. Remember that you can fake it until you make it and get the decorations out even if you really aren't feeling it. I may get mine out today even though I'm not in the holiday mood. I think starting to work on them will remind me of good memories and help me.

[coyotee]

I think I kinda sorta have the opposite problem with the holidays. It's not too little time, as far as the days go, it's too much time for me. While I really want to get everything done super early, I wait because I'm scared that if I do it all, I'll have nothing left to do and nothing left to celebrate.

So kinda like you, I guess I do struggle with how to go about it and when the perfect time to do things for it would be. I get the anxiety too. Being at your best in those unexpected unplanned moments is difficult. When events completely deviate from the plan it's hard to adjust and hard to not get disappointed.

I really sincerely want to wish you a Merry Christmas though. I hope it's really wonderful for you.

[Pinnamed]

Well, the clock has all but run out. In a few hours, Christmas will be upon us and I still have much i want to do left undone. If i go none stop, i might make it but, that's not really likely. In the past, Christmas day itself was more or less okay, but it's hard to ignore the fact that the preparation period i had failed to go as planned.

To be honest, I don't really care for that whole go with the flow philosophy; I want to be doing something because i decided to do it at a specific time, not because it just happened and i just went along with it. I need to have some control, don't i?