[coolforthesummer]

Ever since I can remember I have participated in counting compulsions, swallowing compulsions (IE, afraid to swallow spit in my mouth while I look at someone who I think isn't attractive or nice because I might take away that quality), and other things like not wanting to step on the cracks in the sidewalk. None of this seemed remotely relevant until as of late.

I became suddenly terrified that I had molested a child in the past, touched a child inappropriately, or touched myself inappropriately in front of a child. The thoughts have reigned my mind day in and day out and I haven't been able to do much else. I've been so distraught and stressed out because of this all, fearing that I might have done these things. Finally I got the strength to ask a second party who was involved in one of my memories if that had ever happened and they said, 'WHAT? No! Are you kidding?!' A memory of when I curiously touched my younger brother's diaper when he was little resurfaced and I got increasingly guilty over it, then wondered if maybe that was his first memory and he feels like I violated him, or if that's why we no longer talk, etc.

Except for the memory of my little brother, all of these memories I really have no past recollection of at all, which is strange because I have an excellent memory. My doctor has diagnosed me with 'mild OCD tendencies' but I have an appointment with a therapist soon.

Has anyone else had these types of problems? I have been so anxious and feeling like a monster lately. It's a rare moment when my mind is free of that useless clutter.

[Nike007]

Hello. Yes, I have these problems. For me, it's not exactly like thinking I did something, but thinking something is going to happen to me. Like thinking of being attacked in some form by someone. The worse one I had related to is for me was I thought if I saw my friend I was going to punch her. I was so scared and was crying because I was afraid of hurting her. Two days later, I saw her and was find and dint punch her but it was terrifying. You just need to keep telling yourself that these thoughts aren't real. I hope your therapist helps with this . It seems like a problem for you.

Social anxiety disorder, GAD, OCD, and panic attacks

Lexapro, 10 mg

[coolforthesummer]

Thanks for sharing your experience, Nike. I have had similar worries that something WILL happen to me, too. Sometimes I do better telling myself that the thought isn't real, but it seems so real - and yet at the same time it seems utterly manufactured by my brain. I have dwelt on it so much that I have began to doubt other things that I have done. I see this 'memory' from all different angles and my brain can't settle on any one conclusion about it. I keep trying to tell myself it's just an intrusive thought and not a real memory but that only works sometimes. I'm hoping that seeing the therapist will help. Thank you again.

[Serzen]

I can relate... Hope everything gets better soon.

[Nike007]

Originally Posted by coolforthesummer

Thanks for sharing your experience, Nike. I have had similar worries that something WILL happen to me, too. Sometimes I do better telling myself that the thought isn't real, but it seems so real - and yet at the same time it seems utterly manufactured by my brain. I have dwelt on it so much that I have began to doubt other things that I have done. I see this 'memory' from all different angles and my brain can't settle on any one conclusion about it. I keep trying to tell myself it's just an intrusive thought and not a real memory but that only works sometimes. I'm hoping that seeing the therapist will help. Thank you again.

I understand that it feels real. For me, if it didn't feel real, why would I be crying and getting extremely anxious? It feels real, but also unrealistic at the same time. It's really confusing.

About a year about, a lot of my memories seemed to be mixed with dream memories with me tweaking what happened to the point I still don't know which memory is real. I gave up. But don't do that. Hope you get a therapist soon .

Social anxiety disorder, GAD, OCD, and panic attacks

Lexapro, 10 mg