[Acrion]

Hi

If you're in a position/mindset of helping others, please read my story and try to take it seriously, even though it might sound exaggerated or absurd at places. If you disagree with some of my expressed views, I ask you to show forbearance as I'm only trying to get grips with the causes of my presupposed disease.

I'm a 26 years old male and have severe body image issues since at least a decade back. Something went wrong in my adolescence and I began obsessing about being tall (in a negative way). I began feeling increasingly ashamed and uncomfortable about by large and long body parts.

I had social issues and was shy since I was a kid. I grew up with a lack of strong male role models and was very tied to my mother. When my parents divorced there was simply no solid ground for me to nourish and build from.

Half ways through high school I was becoming increasingly ill and my grades dropped. They had never been good to begin with, as I always was a sensitive and insecure kid who really didn't like school. I was totally inept at understanding math which made be develop beliefs that I was slow and mentally challenged.

When I was about 18 years old I began to skip classes a lot. Often on my way to school, I suddenly felt so anxious and bad about myself I just turned around and skipped school.

My body image, assertiveness and self confidence was at an all time low. I was easily used by stronger men, and after graduation I basically isolated myself from social life since I was incapable of managing and building a social circle. I was very frustrated by this growing body image issue, since it had prevented me from approaching a girl I was madly into during the high school years.

Anyway, I got a job and managed it quite well considering the circumstances. It lasted for a couple of months before I began studying at University, randomly pursuing a degree program I just managed to get into by a close call.

Somehow I managed to sleep walk through half of the program with passed degrees, but then it became too much. After a totally failed semester abroad which only led to me having debts I realized I must somehow be mentally ill. I was so disturbed by my height I e-mailed several surgeons and asked if they could perform leg shortening surgeries.

About 2-3 years ago I finally seeked help from a therapist who diagnosed me with BDD. I went through cognitive behavioral therapy for 2 years with no long standing positive effects. I wasn't really content with my therapist who was an overweight woman. Although she was fairly clear minded, it somehow felt wrong to talk about my issues to a woman, and I always wanted a manly therapist who could really understand me from a man's perspective. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew my issues eminated from my inability to become a real man. A strong and proud alpha male, strictly put, and I didn't like to show myself weak.

I began reading upon history and politics and came to realize this is basically the worst time in history to be a man, since we live in a severly feminized society, with damaged family structures and lack of male role models. I realized we live in a broken society and that no therapist would be able to understand or cure me. The entire system was flawed, and there was no such thing as a strong, manly psychologist. The manly therapists were all weak men themselves, and all I was looking for was a strong male role model who could "train" me to become a man..

I quit therapy but was still very ill. I ended up in a severe existential crisis with a following mental breakdown, panic attacks and a brief psychosis, in what I can only describe as the worst weeks of my life.

Once again I desperately decided to try out therapy and this time got an older lady who after our first session told me I was severely ill and shouldn't even be alive, and that I needed medication as soon as possible.

I liked this older lady better than my previous therapist and took her advice. She promised me I would get better and after a year with medication I was somehow better and didn't feel as bad as before, although I was still avoiding most social situations. I decided to stop the medication and put some effort into becoming a man, and here I am today. I have unfortunately still not been able to shake off my BDD.

The devastating side effects of my BDD includes not being able to communicate, open up, listen to and effectively understand people in the moment; being super self conscious; refraining from wearing shoes with heals because they make me a few cm:s taller; not being able to get a girl friend or have sexual intercourse because I can't let go of my body height/size obsession; forgetting things and being generally distorted; compulsive thoughts and control behaviours;not being able to attain goals and accomplish things; lack of discipline; living life through the computer screen, getting stimulation from movies, radio, forums and porn..Among other things.

I know the only way out is to take the bull by the horns and become a man, but I find it truly hard to implement practically, since I've truly reached the bottom. BDD is a completely different story for men than it is for women; because men ultimately have to take and fight for what they want in this life, and compete with other men for women, status and respect. This is just the harsh truth of nature.

I have not come here to moan, but truly want to improve myself. I would appreciate some input, advice and perspective from people on my story, and how to let go of my BDD. I am approximately 6 feet 5 inches tall btw. And I can be described as very good looking and athletic, yet I suffer from this seemingly bizarre and pathetic thoughts and emotions about myself.

Thank you for reading.

[MusicLover82]

Are you seeing a psychiatrist and are you on medication? Your perception seems quite skewed about being "manly," and there is only so much CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) can do for you. When you are obsessing, medication can often help. When my OCD was at its worst, Paxil (an SSRI) brought me out of it. Now, I'm taking other types of medication because I also have bipolar 2 disorder, but for my OCD, I take NAC (an amino acid supplement), which helps quite a bit.

It's good to be able to remove yourself from the obsessive thoughts and say "these are irrational, obsessive thoughts," and even if you can't control the thoughts, you can know they are irrational and try to focus your thoughts elsewhere. If you are in the midst of them feeling really intense and filled with fear and anxiety, it is hard to do this. That's why I also take Xanax as needed when my obsessive thoughts get intense.

Best wishes, and I hope you will consider seeing a psychiatrist if you feel that you may need more professional help.

[cincidak]

I understand your feelings of awkwardness. I agree with music lover, cbt is good for coping skills, but it can't fix the chemical imbalances in your body that are causing your bdd symptoms. I think speaking to a psychiatrist and being totally honest with them is the way to go. Being a man is not determined by might makes right, or domination games. Being a man means taking responsibility for your life and the decisions you make. Men can be compassionate, and empathetic, without being feminine. Your illness is skewing your perceptions. My prayers are with you.

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