[PersephoneStarlight]

This is actually pretty hard for me. I have trouble discussing my OCD because I feel like paying attention to it only makes it worse.

I feel like I have more obsessions than compulsions. My mental obsessions are actually worse than they used to be after forcing myself to fix a lot of my old visible ticks (such as having to touch something however-so-many times before leaving a room) so I wouldn't come across as strange to others. So, I guess my mind is making up for them and getting the satisfaction it needs with even more mental ticks. (Like having to say a word over and over in my head.) I don't know why I feel like I have to do all of these things and the blow that they give to my self esteem is massive. Seriously, nothing bad will happen if I don't tap the floor twice with my foot before walking away, so why to I feel like I HAVE to do it so badly? I sometimes worry that I don't actually have OCD, and I'm really just insane. Sometimes when my anxiety is particularly bad, I have trouble communicating with people or looking them in the eye (as most of the time my obsessions deal with other people, and I'm ashamed). I'll also worry myself for hours over things that others wouldn't think are a big deal at all, so I feel like I have nobody to talk to whenever I'm dealing with a fear or worry because they'd think I was nuts.
My mom knows that I have OCD, but I don't think she realizes how bad it is. I'm honestly too embarrassed to tell her. I can tell her "I'm having an obsessive thought right now" but nothing more than that. I can't tell her exactly what it is or how badly it's actually overwhelming me.

I don't know if I can take it anymore, and I wish there were something I could just take for it, but my mom doesn't believe in medicating mental disorders. And I asked her if I could start seeing a psychologist about it and she said it was too expensive. I just want to live my life without all of this crap having such a strong grip on it anymore..

[Onward2wards]

There was a brief time years ago when I had outrageously bad "checking" compulsions coupled with debilitating panic attacks. To this day I don't know for certain what caused that ridiculously severe symptom "flare up". I suspect a sudden increase in job responsibilities coupled with stresses in my personal life set it off somehow.

When people noticed my behaviors, I was given "advice" such as "Dude, seriously, get help"! I can only describe what I felt as terminal embarrassment!! What worked for me at the time was Prozac - within weeks it stopped the OCD symptoms completely.

You mention that focusing on the "tics" makes it worse. I know what you mean, for me it was like a negative feedback loop I couldn't escape from at the time. I think being acutely self-conscious about it increases anxiety until your mind "goes blank" and you can't remember that yes, I already checked something five times in the last ten minutes. Calming exercises and distracting myself also helped. Focusing on anxiety increases anxiety.

[Yours_Truly]

If there were some way you could let your mom know in more detail how bad your symptoms are and how bad it's making you feel maybe she would be more understanding about seeing a therapist. If you can't talk to her about it you could write her a letter. Sometimes that's the easiest way to communicate.

[Skeezyks]

Hello PersephoneStarlight: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm so sorry you are having to struggle with this alone. I'm an older person now. But, growing up, I also struggled with a variety of mental health issues that went unrecognized & untreated. Way back then, there wasn't the emphasis on mental health there is today. So, at the time, I didn't even realize what was going on with me was a mental illness. And even if I had, I would have been too embarrassed to admit it.

When I was growing up, there was a huge stigma surrounding any kind of mental illness. So there was no way I was going to be treated for it. (And given the state of mental health treatment back then, this is perhaps just as well.) But it has continued to affect my entire life, up to & including the present time. So I hope that you will, in some way, be able to secure the help you need, if not now, then as soon as you are on your own & in a position to do so. It is incredibly sad, & short-sighted, your mom is taking the attitude she is taking. Hopefully being here on PC can help you to persevere.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[M3233]

I'm so sorry you are struggling. If money is what is keeping you from seeing a therapist, many will allow you to pay on a sliding scale. Also, your guidance counsellor at school can help serve as a liaison between you and your mom if she is not quite seeing your point of view. They can also help connect you to resources, like therapist that work on a sliding scale. I hope you can find the resources you need to start feeling better.