[LifeLongOCDer]

Here goes....this is my first time posting on a forum EVER and while I know we, as OCDers, aren't supposed to seek reassurance or browse forums, I am really quite desperate at this point. I will try to keep this as short as I can, as I know the anxiety associated with OCD can tend to make some of these posts quite long.

To provide a little background, I have experienced episodes of OCD since I was a child. They have always manifested in Pure-O themes. The first one I can remember was the harm theme which haunted me when I was little and then again at age 18. Over the last 7 years (I am now 25), I have cycled through harm, health, homosexual and relationship OCD. HOCD & ROCD have been the main themes I have experienced, however. I went into ERP therapy last year to treat a TERRIBLE episode of HOCD and it actually helped dramatically (I haven't had a relapse in that theme since then which is huge as it had been a theme for me for years since before treatment). Fast forward to now and I believe I am suffering from ROCD. Or am I? I guess that's what I'm here to get help/advice on.

I have been with my current partner for about a year and a half and it has been rocky for most of the time. I experienced the same cycle of doubts with my last partner as well (we were together about a year) and I eventually ended it for other reasons. This gives me hope that I am able to distinguish the difference between ROCD and a truly faulty relationship, however, this time around feels so much more confusing. I feel WAY more comfortable & at ease with my current partner than I ever did in my last relationship. When we are together, communication feels free flowing (most of the time) and I feel like I can be completely myself with him. I do question whether or not he has attributes that I want in a long-term partner. Some days I feel like he does and some days I feel like he doesn't. I don't know if I'm looking for someone who is perfect and says and does all the right things at the right times or if my feelings are valid here and I'm settling for a relationship that I'm not happy in. That being said, I constantly focus on his flaws & I mean constantly. I can't get over certain characteristics that he embodies and I feel as though I obsessively focus on them. I don't feel like I can tolerate them and I have to constantly nag him to change them although he never does. We have had many arguments and discussions about these things and he is adamant that it is based in my OCD but what if it isn't? What if we truly just aren't on the same page and aren't a good fit?

Most of the time I question whether or not I should be in this relationship. I question whether or not he is attractive enough or good enough for me (a very narcissistic thought, I know), if he really wants to be with me (it's ironic because I question this constantly yet the constant arguing due to my instability in feelings ends up pushing him away), if I really want to be with him, if I can put up with the things about him I don't like & aren't ideal, if this is the wrong relationship, if I even love him at all. I would say 80% of the time I don't feel good in this relationship - is what I'm feeling truly a result of OCD or are we just not a good fit? I really, truly don't know. I constantly here "go with your gut" and I feel like my gut is telling me it isn't right. But can I trust my gut? What if it's just fear & anxiety and if I didn't feel this way, our relationship would be good? But I can't leave. I feel frozen because I'm not entirely sure. Some days I feel like I want to do everything in my power to keep this relationship going and others I want to do nothing but end it. Most of the time I feel like I should end it. But.I.just.can't. I feel like I need to end it and I should end it and at this point, I know he is at his wits end with this too. I've had plenty of opportunity to leave the relationship by way of certain conversations we've had and I haven't although I feel I am getting to that point.

To add to this I often feel irritated and angry with him and if it's not one thing he's "doing wrong" it's ALWAYS something else. I don't know - I know that I have some work to do on myself individually with this but I'm just so exhausted and burnt out from feeling like my needs aren't being met from over-analyzing everything. A lot of times I feel as though I'm being manipulated in our conversations (he says the same thing about me) as he constantly tells me our fights and arguing are my fault due to this. I don't believe arguments are ever any sole person's fault. A lot of the time I wonder where the fault lies - is it with me and ROCD? Or is it him? I just don't know and it's truly having such a horrible impact on our relationship and my overall quality of life.

I feel like I'm rambling at this point but can anyone relate to any of this? What do you all think?

[convalescence]

It's almost as if I wrote this myself. I'm in a relationship that I hope turns into a long-term relationship and I'm constantly thinking about what I'm doing. Is this true? I don't feel right. Is that normal or just anxiety? Are my obsessive thoughts playing games with me? He's gonna see other people. He read my message but didn't reply. He's gonna leave me. He's bored with me. Blah, blah, blah, you get it perfectly!

I honestly can't tell you the truth of the matter in this situation because I'm not observing both of your behaviors/thoughts/feelings.

All I really do about it is try to rationalize my worries about my relationship & be realistic. He shouldn't always be messaging me. He can have other friends. I can have other friends. He has flaws. I have flaws. It's just a matter of what those flaws are and if I can manage with said flaws.

Earlier today he told me that he often gets distracted while talking to me and I thought "So I'm really not that great. He's getting distracted."
But that might not be the case at all. Maybe he's just depressed or easily distracted in general. I could be wrong.

I wish I knew what to tell you. My advice is to rationalize as much as you can. Weigh the pros and the cons of the relationship. In fact, maybe you should weigh the pros and the cons alone and then confront him about them & ask him what he thinks. Don't be rude about it. Simply just say "Hey, I don't like x because x makes me feel this way." See how it goes.

& if you really want to maybe see a counselor together...? I honestly am not sure.

Sorry about the long post. I just am happy to find somebody who experiences something similar to I do! Good luck with what you end up doing. Wishing the best for you!

[Ghost5]

Another one here. Yeah I've been diagnosed with ROCD. I have obsessions that my wife doesn't love me, that she's cheating on me, that I'm not good enough etc etc. I've even followed her to make sure she said where she was going was where she was going and was going actually to see another guy. It's an endless daily loop round and round in my head "who's she texting?", "who's she talking too" "why has she not answered my call" on and on. I'm at the point it's causing me so much anxiety and stress and I'd rather be single than have this. I've been given meds for it but they don't help much, it's a daily hell. The whole horrible thing is my wife couldn't be anymore caring and understanding, she tries to help me so much but I'm an obsessed, depressed mess.

[TishaBuv]

For me it has been a series of relationships that I didn't feel comfortable in, and a series of longing for relationships that were semi-unrequited. I tend to think if the ones I longed for did love me, I would have found fault with them and wouldn't have felt right with them either. Is that ROCD?

This has ruined my life, too.

[Ladycakes]

Whether it is your OCD or not, clearly you're not happy so something needs to change. If you terminate the relationship and it WAS the OCD then it will probably manifest in another way. If you leave but don't seek treatment then your OCD might haunt you with questions about whether you did the right thing. I think talking to a professional is the best course of action here. To help you sort your feelings and distinguish between OCD and true emotions. Good luck.

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[MewMew1996]

I definitely flip flop back and forth from the way you're feeling... , There are plenty of times that I question my relationship i'm a lot younger than my partner and do get scared that i'm making a mistake by choosing to get married so young however my situation has me in absolute tears because I don't want to leave my partner but feel guilty that I should because I think this way and feel even more guilty if in those moments when i'm being myself and not filled with the anxiety I give him affection and then it triggers my mind to say "You're being fake " ...

Sometimes I get the ROCD where I become obsessed that he doesn't actually love me or I'll do something that will sabotage the relationship (lie , cheat etc...) However I always have this thing in me that I believe is my logical unharmed part of my brain that always brings me back to this state of bliss and absolute love for my partner when you come down from this anxiety of "are we meant to be or not" do you return to that state of love for your partner ? does everything seem to feel normal and comfortable ? Because if so i'm more than positive it's just your OCD acting up . but since i'm no professional and a current sufferer myself, if you want your relationship to work I would look into a relationship therapist someone who can delve deeper into the issue from a professional standpoint and lay all your history on the line I would look into soon as well.

Much Luck to you