[Courtney125]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and deeply depressed.
4 months ago I started obsessing over having schizophrenia I would go to the doctor every day I checked myself into a psych ward etc until my obsession moved to bipolar I was convinced I was bipolar I researched non stop did all the doctor checking changed my therapist and so on then I obsessed over sociopathy and this one really hit me hard.. the last month I've messaged 50 people I went to school with to analyse my behaviour in Primary school I've dug through my grandmas house to find old home videos and spent hours watching them seeing what kind of child I was etc now my mum means everything to me and lately I have a fear I'm going to kill her it's not an intrusive thought where it just pops in my head out of nowhere it's there from the moment I wake up until sleep for some reason I have stuck in my head "you'll kill your mum to get your ex bc back" now I do like my ex and have done crazy things before to get him back this is why the thought won't leave it's convinced me I'll do it for attention. I'm soooo distressed I'm thinking of cutting off my hands to stop me or getting in an accident and brain damaging myself all this crazy things because I'm pretty sure I'm a sociopath and this is just me turning into a murderer help!!!

[*Laurie*]

Hi Courtner125, I'm so sorry...it sounds like you are really battling hard with OCD. My question is, are you seeing a therapist and are you on meds?

[Courtney125]

Hi, hanks for your reply! No I'm not because it's says some serial killers or people with aspd who have anxiety don't act on there impulses to kill and so I'm to scared to do therapy or take my meds because then I won't care about hurting everyone!

[*Laurie*]

I understand that you're afraid, but I firmly believe therapy and medication would help you, and help you to help others. You will not lose your compassion by getting help for yourself. Please believe me.

[usrname]

I think you are ruminating and so anxious about these things that it is just giving you even more thoughts. It is hard because outright denying paranoid thinking can make it worse, but I am a stranger on the internet telling you I've had similar thinking and it actually means you're even less likely to do it. You don't want to do it, so trust yourself! And if you can't a therapist and even meds may really help you.

You need to talk to a doctor AND therapist about everything. You can't excessively contact near strangers (your old classmates) which is inappropriate and intrusive for them. You need to get actual help so you can overcome and manage these thoughts, maybe even completely get rid of them. They will teach you how you don't need to embrace them and believe them OR completely reject and fear them, and that will actually make them a lot less frequent and distressing for you. You can also talk to a doctor and rule out the mental illnesses that you probably don't have like the mood and personality disorders (they have very specific criteria and it's likely you don't meet them).

[Courtney125]

Originally Posted by usrname

I think you are ruminating and so anxious about these things that it is just giving you even more thoughts. It is hard because outright denying paranoid thinking can make it worse, but I am a stranger on the internet telling you I've had similar thinking and it actually means you're even less likely to do it. You don't want to do it, so trust yourself! And if you can't a therapist and even meds may really help you.

You need to talk to a doctor AND therapist about everything. You can't excessively contact near strangers (your old classmates) which is inappropriate and intrusive for them. You need to get actual help so you can overcome and manage these thoughts, maybe even completely get rid of them. They will teach you how you don't need to embrace them and believe them OR completely reject and fear them, and that will actually make them a lot less frequent and distressing for you. You can also talk to a doctor and rule out the mental illnesses that you probably don't have like the mood and personality disorders (they have very specific criteria and it's likely you don't meet them).

When I was young I had a sadistic father who I can no longer see.. when I was 17 years old I used to pinch my baby cousins for no reason and give them harsh discipline like smacking them when they were being naughty. I'm 19 now and have been sickened by this.. this is why I'm ruminating because I've acted done horrible things because so I can't be the least likely person to do it because I've done it. This is why I don't want to live because I don't want to be evil but I already am I can't watch ANY cruelty it makes me sick I love animals and always have been a huge animal lover but lately I'm scared I'm going to do it to my dog. How can I be so sure its harm OCD and not an underlying want to do it because I've been cruel before? I am moving out to get away from my beloved dog.

[Courtney125]

Sorry when they were NOT* being naughty I would smack them and enjoyed it I guess only to feel horrible hours later