[defyinggravity65]

1. I've written about this before but I still feel weird that I get schadenfreude. I sometimes feel secretly satisfied when something bad happens to someone else. For example, I'll feel secretly happy that my friend is fighting with her boyfriend because then my relationship with my boyfriend doesn't seem so bad. Or I felt secretly happy that my pretty sister was gaining weight because then I had a way of looking better in comparison to her. Or I feel secretly glad that one of my friends at work messed up on something because another coworker confided in me about it and it made me feel special. This is all horrible. I'm worried I have no empathy.

2. I also noticed lately that I have a weird tendency to smile when something bad is happening. Today at work one of my 5th grade students started crying because they were nervous for a presentation and I walked over there to console her but I was smiling on the way. Then I caught myself and I was like why?. In a way, I guess I'm happy that I can help her and I didn't want her to be upset but I still wasn't really empathizing with her, so when I caught myself smiling I again thought that I was an evil person. And this tendency to smile in bad situations happens more than just this once...

What is wrong with me? Am I evil? Can I not empathize?

[Onward2wards]

As concerned as you clearly are with how you relate to and affect others, the concept that you lack empathy seems unlikely. I have read that being excessively affected by feelings of guilt may be a component of OCD. Could it be that you are hyperaware of (and horrified by) some of the coping and defense mechanisms which you and most people have? There may be some social anxiety involvement as well.

I sometimes notice myself doing/thinking similar things. I've been trying to make some sense of it. I see these symptoms as a combination of learned fears and genetic tendencies.

I understand where you are coming from. After I wrote this, noticing that I had left a word out prompted me to reread my post, and led to the horrible thought that everything I just wrote might be poorly constructed and therefore misinterpreted. This made me consider "what if I am a bad writer, have no business commenting on psychological subjects, and am also socially clumsy?" When I caught myself, I laughed out loud! I had a burst of obsessive negative thinking, compulsively reread my post (three times, no less), and then a "social anxiety moment", followed by a wave of noticeable depression-like sadness. Funny how one thing leads to another.

[defyinggravity65]

I definitely agree that OCD could play a part and that it's definitely fear driven and I appreciate the connection to how you felt when you wrote your comment. I'm just really concerned that I could be a narcissist and that others don't exhibit these behaviors...

[girlinterruptedbee]

Originally Posted by defyinggravity65

1. I've written about this before but I still feel weird that I get schadenfreude. I sometimes feel secretly satisfied when something bad happens to someone else. For example, I'll feel secretly happy that my friend is fighting with her boyfriend because then my relationship with my boyfriend doesn't seem so bad. Or I felt secretly happy that my pretty sister was gaining weight because then I had a way of looking better in comparison to her. Or I feel secretly glad that one of my friends at work messed up on something because another coworker confided in me about it and it made me feel special. This is all horrible. I'm worried I have no empathy.

2. I also noticed lately that I have a weird tendency to smile when something bad is happening. Today at work one of my 5th grade students started crying because they were nervous for a presentation and I walked over there to console her but I was smiling on the way. Then I caught myself and I was like why?. In a way, I guess I'm happy that I can help her and I didn't want her to be upset but I still wasn't really empathizing with her, so when I caught myself smiling I again thought that I was an evil person. And this tendency to smile in bad situations happens more than just this once...

What is wrong with me? Am I evil? Can I not empathize?

I doubt you take joy in other people's misery. I think it's more the relief of seeing that other people struggle too. I don't know about you but as an OCD sufferer and person with PTSD, I tend to magnify my struggles and be blind to everyone else's because they're mine. It is very grounding to see other people's. And maybe you smile because you are uncomfortable or nervous. My body tries to do that in uncomfortable situations, but I stop myself.

If you were a bad person, you wouldn't even notice your behavior let alone care.

Hope that helps.

[girlinterruptedbee]

Originally Posted by defyinggravity65

I definitely agree that OCD could play a part and that it's definitely fear driven and I appreciate the connection to how you felt when you wrote your comment. I'm just really concerned that I could be a narcissist and that others don't exhibit these behaviors...

My father is a narcissist. If you were a narcissist, the thought of being a narcissist would never occur to you. Narcissists tend to be clueless.

I think how you feel is common. Consider a baseball team....how do you think they feel when they win and the other team loses? The way you describe yourself sounds like you are just responding to the social and cultural norms which are nurtured and applauded within our society. To be a winner, someone must lose and to be a winner is what most people secretly want. Like another poster mentioned, the mere fact that you care about this indicates you are not a heartless, soulless sociopath with no empathy.