Help for For Fear of Dying/Death

**trigger warning-death related, car accidents, cancer, etc**

As much as I have been through counseling I have never really dealt with my fear of death. It has been with me a very long time and has impacted my life. There have been some recent triggers that has brought this issue up for me lately. Some bad accidents in my area, the anniversary of my cousin's death (due to cancer at a young age), a news story of a car accident where I accidentally clicked on an actually video that showed the victim (and I couldn't get it out of my head and kept going back to watch it) and that I am back to work and have had to leave my one year old in daycare (causing a life adjustment).

I believe my fear is more on the OCD spectrum of things. As mentioned I have been through lots of counseling and I have had different diagnoses throughout my life. Currently my diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder with a touch of OCD and ADHD. I have been diagnoses with major/minor depression and GAD before too. I do not have any OCD behaviors, just thoughts. I have been suffering from Intrusive Thoughts lately and am trying to manage them with DBT skills. It's not really working though. I have come to realize that 99% if the intrusive thoughts are death related. I didn't drive for years because I was so afraid of getting into an accident. Now I am finding I worry constantly about it. Everyday when I get in my car I am worrying that I will get in an accident and die, or if my daughter is in the car with me she will die. I worry my husband will die going to work and about my parents etc. It has not made me avoid driving completely yet, but I can physically fill the anxiety.

The intrusive thoughts are terrible. I see horrible things happening to my daughter and worry about her so much. I think such stupid things like that some drunk driver will crash into her stroller when they are out for a walk, or a person with a gun will go in and shot them all (intrusive thoughts are so hard to explain...they just pop into my head).

I am not currently under medical care. I am not currently on medication. Yes I know that I probably should be...but that's not why I am posting this. I want to try to resolve this myself and am wondering if anyone has any suggestions. Are there any books on this, any online counseling help? Any strategies? I tend to be the type of person who wants to know "why" with everything. I did not experience any real traumatic events related to death, so I don't get it. The only thing I can think of as a contributing factor is my mom is a BIG worrier. I saw her worry about things like car accidents growing up. I remember when a kid we know got into a bad car accident she went on and on about it. It happened before I started driving and I think she was trying to teach me that I need to be careful once I am driving, but it made me be fearful instead.

Anyway, any help would be appreciated. Yes I know I should be in counseling for this, I do not want to me. I also do not want to go back on medication as the side effects far outweigh the benefits in my case.

Also, something to not-I do not believe in the afterlife. I believe when we die we are gone completely. I wish I could believe in the afterlife. I just do not think it exists. I don't think I will see my loved ones again. I do not think that anyone is watching out for me from above or anything either.
Thank You

Hi there. I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling with this fear. I have been fighting with it as well, after having a couple terrifying tragedies over the last couple of years. I wish I could say there was an easy fix, but there isn't. For a long time I also couldn't believe in an afterlife. I tried church and prayer groups, studied different religions to try to find some comfort, and I just couldn't take a blind leap of faith just to appease this fear. But what did finally convince me of an afterlife wasn't religion at all, it was science. I started learning about quantum theory, and more specifically, quantum theories of consciousness. Science is coming to understand that consciousness may not be simply a biproduct of our brains, but actually an active participant in the creation of the world around us, only muted by the filter of our brain. I listened extensively to discussions by a neurosurgeon (Eban Alexander) who should have been dead after his brain was reduced to puss by meningitis. I highly suggest a google search, you may find that there is more to this world than we know and death may not be so final as it seems. I would never expect anyone to take my word for it. What got me to this phase of understanding was not any sort of faith, but following a trail of logic which I invite you to investigate for yourself. Wishing you peace. <3

Thank you treevoice. I will look into it. I hate how rational my mind is when it comes to religion. I too have searched and the closest thing I come to believing in is Buddhism. I have a very strong interest in science, especially in neuroscience so I will look into it. Thank you again.