Confronting an embarassing memory

I'm not sure this belongs in OCD, but I don't know a better category.

A therapist previously tried to help me with another memory by talking extensively about it in a specific way (instead of suppressing it), so I want to try something similar with this one.

It was about 15 years ago. I sat at the dinner table together with my mother, father and sister. My father said something about my sister, I don't remember what, and suddenly I blurted out "Ejaculation".

I don't know, why. Well, I suspect it has to do with being over-stressed from school, being a teen, having to constantly interact with people whose company I didn't like, both home and at school.

But it's not much use excusing that outburst to myself. The people who were witness to it, are still in my life and are regular reminders (one might say "triggers"), although I suspect they themselves don't remember. Also when in a movie there's a scene where a character says something inappropriate, that can demolish me, too, by bringing back the memory.

The way the therapist's method worked, she told me to first mentally place myself in the memory, then gradually distance myself, until the scene disappears. The problem is, I can't quite get to the start. I don't remember the context. I only remember what I said. I'm not even sure that it was those exact people present... Maybe it doesn't matter.

Anyway, here's my attempt at dealing with it.

Thanks for sharing this. I have a whole litany of these sorts of things... a bad or embarrassing memory for every situation & occasion... I sometimes say to myself! I'll have to try the technique your therapist suggested.

I said something inappropriate at the dinner table and heard about it for years

Well, I'm not sure I've given this one enough time, but I'm about ready to tackle the next memory.

I was about the same age. My sister and I slept in the same room. I couldn't fall asleep, and I don't even remember what I was thinking about but I started making kissing sounds with my mouth. I went on for quite a while, so that my sister had to call me out. I imagine it was a pretty uncomfortable situation for her. And I - I've got to guess, if it wasn't from the start, towards the end it turned into an automatic action, a light exercise for my mouth to calm myself down (like I sometimes sing in bed). Although I don't remember 100% clearly at this point, of course.

This haunts me mostly, I think, when I think about another of my inappropriate actions, so it's kind of a cascade effect... And probably on the topic of unconscious behaviour, especially in teenagers.

This next one should be turning 10 any day now. I was trying to learn gentlemanly ways, so to say, which included helping women and elderly in the subway. So I saw a woman lugging a big bag and offered to help her carry it up the stairs. Unfortunately, my regular way of going up the stairs was by racing three steps at a time, and didn't think twice to do it here. At the end I realized how weird it would have looked, as if I was trying to steal it... I don't even know, it's not a big thing, but often when I approach those stairs and especially see people with bags, this memory comes up and makes me shudder... I mean, did the woman think I was trying to steal her bag? I'll never know, I guess. Or maybe I was just funny...

This one is from around 15 years ago.

My mom signed me up to a... well, "art school" would be too big of a word. More of an art club (even though it had "art school" in the title).

The problems with it began with my entry, I suppose, when I was placed in an intermediate class, instead of beginner, I suspect almost exclusively due to my age. So, everybody there knows each other, and I'm socially awkward, insecure and repressed...

The first memory is of somehow getting on with a few people there, chatting, I suppose, someone saying something funny, and that girl laughing. I think in the process she leaned on me with her hand. I, for pretty much no conscious reason, pushed her away. Pretty firmly, as I remember.

She didn't react. Nobody did. I didn't react. I had no explanation for why I did that. I had no negative feelings towards her... Aside, I suppose from my general insecurity, social anxiety and stress.

I think I mostly remember this event in association with other school memories, etc.

Second, sort of related memory is of "graduating" (for lack of a better, more modest word) from this art... school.

Oh, yeah, I should mention that I skipped a lot of classes there, and this one particular subject I think I visited just twice. I hated going there but also was ashamed.

Well, I went there on the day of "graduation", really down. I sat in the hallway, not responding to most stimuli. I pretty much pretended to be out of it. Had to talk to the teacher of the subject that I skipped. ****ing buried the certificate.

Anyway, one of the blacker episodes in my memory. Also gets resurrected thinking about school.

There was a period in my life when I, essentially, obsessed over and stalked girls. I've been attributing that my my OCD and ASD tendencies. Or maybe that's just... Well, who knows what that is... Although the fact is that I still haven't had a romantic partner and in fact stopped trying a while ago, because I just don't get it... And I suppose I didn't get it back then, either. I just needed to deify a girl... well, actually, I had a tendency to deify people in general (some specific ones that treated me well, not humankind as a whole). But I wouldn't know what to do with them if the girl reciprocated, I don't think.

Well, what I count as the second episode of this phase, I was simply heart-broken over the end of the previous obsession. And the girl was... I've got no clue why I got attached to her! Well, I guess I don't know with the other ones either. We barely interacted... But for some reason this episode is the most painful, because it seems like we had the least in common. Well, it ended as I got up the "courage" to call her on the phone and asked if she already had a boyfriend. She said "yes", and I hung up, if I'm not misremembering... That just feels so dumb... And is one of a few reasons why I can't stand watching romantic movies or moments in movies, because that memory gets triggered...

I completely understand how you feel. I still can't get over the embarrassment i had in sixth grade. Something trigger it.

One of my brother psychotic ex girlfriend had remind me something that i said when i was a toddler that i have no memory of my brother remind me other things i had done. it trigger me.