[defyinggravity65]

Hey guys. A long time ago I had an experience where I didnt know if my memory of a childhood event was something that I actually experienced or something that I dreamed happened to me. It terrified me and I worried for a long time that I was becoming delusional and remembering things incorrectly. My fear of becoming delusional led to even worse ocd about memories and led to me developing some memory confusion and also led me to develop sort of a compulsive memory checking habit to make sure my memories are real and that i wasn't losing my mind.

Well, that all happened over a year ago and I haven't worried about this stuff for a long time, until this morning. The trigger was this: my cat has been sick for awhile and has had one runny eye for a couple months that ive been trying to get to heal up. I suddenly thought I remembered seeing that my cat's other eye was watering now too, but I checked the cat and it wasnt and I am pretty positive that never happened, even though it felt like I remembered it happening.
Also at one point I was brushing my hair and suddenly had this "memory" pop into my head of my little sister saying she liked the blonde streaks in my hair...my hair is all brown and I doubt that it happened but i can't tell if it was a memory or an intrusive thought, if it actually happened or if it was a part of a dream or random thought that for some reason feels like a memory.
There was also an incident in which I feared my therapists office would contact me for being a no show to one of my appointments, and then I had a sudden "memory" that I received a letter in the mail from them asking about my absense. I knew immediately that this didn't happen but im freaking out because it really felt like I remembered it!!
Are these just intrusive thoughts or am I going crazy? I can't help but think back to the time where I couldn't decipher a possible memory from a dream and I had many of these similar incidents right after that experience which led me to fear I was becoming psychotic. It was so nice that this particular obsessive theme had gone away for awhile and now it's back and I'm afraid it's going to continue!

[Skeezyks]

Well... my personal, non-professional opinion with regard to this would be that these are simply intrusive thoughts probably brought on by high levels of anxiety. I don't believe you're going crazy. I noticed you list one of your diagnoses as OCD (Pure O type). Have you seen the video family therapist Kati Morton did on the subject of Pure O? Here's a link to it in case you haven't:

One thing I do believe is that anxiety tends to feed on itself. You start to worry about something &, pretty soon, you begin to worry about the fact that you're worrying. It can be a vicious circle, as they say. Perhaps the best thing to do would be to talk this all through with your therapist during your next appointment. I wish you well...

[hermitbydestiny]

So, the memory is so vivid that you believe it to be real? Oh wait, the fact that you are even doubting this could indicate anxiety as the source rather than hallucination, right? Time to talk with a therapist to get some clarity.

I have OCD too but it is in remission. When I hear a thought with the O-voice, I tell it thank you, and now I'd like to hear from the other parts of my brain too. I leaned that technique through meditation...I could actually follow my breath, which dials down the chatter and rests that part of my brain, while I go to a whole other feeling of peace all within my own person. Powerful stuff. I've never been the same since! Ha

I don't fight with my brain anymore. I honor it and understand the chemistry behind what it is doing to keep me alive...I see it as a fantastic organ. And how the brain works with the vagus nerve is fascinating. There are breathing exercises that can reset the autonomic nervous system from sympathetic (the rev up part) to parasympathetic (the slow down part), which work for me. Like I said, powerful yet simple to learn.

Hoping my experience helps you in knowing that you are not crazy, whatever that means. Anxiety (through self-talk or otherwise) affects our electrical and chemical brain, but that can be worked with given some techniques. Acceptance of what is going on is hugely helpful and after than the 'tools' for better living come your way and life becomes manageable in a customized way.

[defyinggravity65]

Originally Posted by hermitbydestiny

So, the memory is so vivid that you believe it to be real? Oh wait, the fact that you are even doubting this could indicate anxiety as the source rather than hallucination, right? Time to talk with a therapist to get some clarity.

I have OCD too but it is in remission. When I hear a thought with the O-voice, I tell it thank you, and now I'd like to hear from the other parts of my brain too. I leaned that technique through meditation...I could actually follow my breath, which dials down the chatter and rests that part of my brain, while I go to a whole other feeling of peace all within my own person. Powerful stuff. I've never been the same since! Ha

I don't fight with my brain anymore. I honor it and understand the chemistry behind what it is doing to keep me alive...I see it as a fantastic organ. And how the brain works with the vagus nerve is fascinating. There are breathing exercises that can reset the autonomic nervous system from sympathetic (the rev up part) to parasympathetic (the slow down part), which work for me. Like I said, powerful yet simple to learn.

Hoping my experience helps you in knowing that you are not crazy, whatever that means. Anxiety (through self-talk or otherwise) affects our electrical and chemical brain, but that can be worked with given some techniques. Acceptance of what is going on is hugely helpful and after than the 'tools' for better living come your way and life becomes manageable in a customized way.

The memory is so vivid that it FEELS real. I don't know whether it is real or not.

[defyinggravity65]

UPDATE:
today I found out that one of my co-workers bought our other coworker a tiny tabletop drum set. I thought, oh cool, and went about my day. About three hours later I had the thought, "wait, didn't he get one of those last year too?" And it suddenly really felt like he HAD, and i thought I had a memory of him getting one. This all was accompanied by major anxiety of me worrying that it never happened. So I went and asked him, and he hadn't.
Then i realized I may have been remembering my cousin a couple years back who did get the same thing for Christmas, and i think i knew someone else who had one at one time but i can't remember who.
This really bothered me and I still feel like I'm going crazy.

[hermitbydestiny]

Interesting update. Do you feel something else is happening in your brain that needs attention by a medical doctor? Any other symptoms? like sleep habits changing? vertigo? speech changes, etc.?

[defyinggravity65]

Originally Posted by hermitbydestiny

Interesting update. Do you feel something else is happening in your brain that needs attention by a medical doctor? Any other symptoms? like sleep habits changing? vertigo? speech changes, etc.?

No, just increased anxiety and a lot of ocd fears about remembering things incorrectly which is what I think is causing this? I'm not sure though. And i usually have a really GOOD memory and I'm SUPER hyperaware of all of my memories and have checking habits with them. Part of me wonders if these incorrect memories are intrusive thoughts that feel more like memories to me..
I have a history of worrying that I have some kind of disorder or issue and then getting thoughts/imagining symptoms that suggest it to be true. I really want to think it's OCD but the fear I'm going crazy is always there too.

[hermitbydestiny]

Okay, defyinggrav..., this is just a thought. My O is great in anticipating things and when it is managed it has served me well in just about every facet of my life. Howevvvvver, the O can take itself far too seriously if the rest of the brain is not participating. And yes, the O can drown out the others, so that's why I meditate to park the self chatter on the shelf while the rest of the brain can rise to the occasion, too. When calm, my self-chatter changes. When anxious my self-chatter changes, too. I do vagus nerve breathing exercises to switch off the sympathetic nervous system (like an accelator on a car only in the body it means cortisol release) to the parasympthetic nervous system (like the brake only in the body it means oxytocin and calming chemicals released) and it works---every single time without fail. I can literally feel the rhythms in my body shift.

So if your O is on heightened anticipation, wouldn't it make sense that it is imagining things into existence so it can be right? Only, as we all know, OCD is mostly imagination pretending its way into reality. Anyhooo, that's why I thank my O and give it its due and then move on to the other management tools so as to not further activate my already heightened anxiety, given that my body chems already ride on turbo quite naturally (traumatic childhood, etc.) in keeping me alive.

Meditation, for me, serves as a pacemaker to the brain much like a pacemaker does to the heart. Neuroscience proves that breathing exercise can rest the weariness in the brain chemistry which affects the rest of the body.