[Michael2Wolves]

One of my first clues that I might have compulsive behavior came upon reflecting after the fact. For a while, I worried that I didn't have OCD, and that my mind was just latching onto something to explain away my negative feelings about myself and my position in the world.

Not long after getting out of prison, where, ironically, I used to do the same thing while walking the track, I took a job as a commercial painter. Part of that job included painting multi-million dollar condos whose front yards were golf courses. Around some of the trees were number 8 river stone and in particular, quartz.

Quartz has unique optical qualities that make it easy to spot after it rains and it's morning or afternoon. The stones will "glow" softly, but noticeably, from the light refracting inside, and when they're still damp, they stand out like sore thumbs.

In prison, I ended up with peanut butter jars full of clear and semi-clear quartz crystals. No idea why I wanted them or what I would do with them, I just liked looking at them, and wanted them. Even unearthed a solid piece that was the size of my fist. Didn't matter that it was contraband--I wanted it.

Same thing happened on this one particular job site. I picked up one, and that triggered it. I started having that strange compulsion to grab as many as I could find. I tried rationalizing it, that it was just a few stones, whatever. I tried telling myself I would stop (I didn't). I would feel intense anxiety if I knew there was a stone there, and I wanted it, but was trying not to take it. I ended up with bags of them. No idea what I'm going to do with them (I had some vague idea of tumbling them, but there's too many). Then I left the site, and eventually quit, and the C in OCD went away.

But I've also noticed other things, too, that are odd, things that I never thought about before, but now see in a different light.

I have a drawer crammed full of white ankle socks and boxer-briefs. In prison you were allowed six pair, and I would always have a few extra stashed away, just in case. In this drawer, I probably have twenty to thirty pairs of socks and boxer briefs, all white, more than I could ever wear (especially as I don't even wear them anymore, but don't want to get rid of them as they're still clean and undamaged). When I hang my shirts in the closet (and I hang everything that doesn't fit in the drawers), they all have to be facing a certain way. Smears on my sunglasses are another trigger. I'll spend ten minutes cleaning them until I cannot see any streaking or discoloration from smudges.

Just some odd quirks of mine, I guess. The compulsions come and go, as do the obsessive thoughts, but when they hit, they hit hard. I think my purpose in this thread is to be heard and to name it, drag it out into the light. Pretty sure this qualifies as OCD, or at least, OCD-tendencies. I sometimes worry that I'm seeing OCD where there is none, that because mine doesn't seem to be as severe as that of others, it's somehow invalidated and that I'm making it u, which if it were true, would get me very angry with myself.

lol Bags of quartz...smh...what on earth am I going to do with bags of quartz? :P

[Skeezyks]

We live in a townhome now. (No yard.) But previously we owned a single family home & we had a decorative pond we had put in. I developed a "thing" for small colorful stones. And whenever I would find a stone that looked promising, I'd take it home, scrub it off, & put it around the pond. I collected quite a pile of them! Now someone else owns them all...

Yes, I have often thought about whether or not I really have any mental illnesses at all, or if I've just sort-of made the whole thing up. Although I've seen quite a few mental health professionals over the past 20-odd years, I still don't have a diagnosis (not that it really matters much anymore.) Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror (I try not to. But sometimes it's unavoidable) & I think... why do you say these things about yourself. You're just an everyday normal guy. But then I think back over the course of my life... & there it is...

[Michael2Wolves]

I only just learned about something called OCDP, and that it is similar, but distinct, to OCD. The more I learn, the more questions I have. C'est la vie, right?

[Skeezyks]

Yes... here are links to some articles from PsychCentral's archives, in case you haven't seen them, on the subjects of OCD & OCDP:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/is-it-ocd-ocpd-or-what/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhaust...sive-disorder/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhaust...esponsibility/

[Michael2Wolves]

I used to be very stressed out on that job, and hated when the boss would come around. I wonder if some of that was tied to the job? I don't have that weird compulsion anymore, really. But I recall that one because of how strange a feeling it was. I had to leave that job because I was worried I was going to get into it with the boss. I mean, this old dude was nuts, and the other foremen told me he tried fighting one of the foremen I worked with. If he would have put his hands on me, that would have been it. I would probably have had flashbacks and then... *shrug* I used to argue with him all the time, too, and I remember always feeling relieved when he would go away and I could get to my job without worrying about him sweating me about something stupid. That's how stressful it was.

What's crazy is now that I think of it, I can see how my last job was bringing it out, too, because I was constantly trying to put this guy's shop in order. He had it so messy, and it would drive me nuts. My anxiety was through the roof all the time, which made it that much harder to deal with customers. I hate sales, and yet I usually find myself in that field because, "Oh, you have such a way with customers!" Pff...if they only knew what it cost me.

I think that OCPD sounds closer to about what I had experienced after reading those, but I'm not going to self-diagnose beyond saying I'm just generally facing the right direction, I think...lol

Thanks for those articles.