[supergojeta]

Sorry this is a long one. I have a history of OCD. When I was 14 I suffered from severe OCD that pushed me into clinical depression for around an year. Then, an year ago I had OCD that I am seriously ill. But now I have pocd, but can't tell if it's OCD or real pedophilia(and I am hiding behind OCD).

Possible trigger:

I am a 19 year old hetrosexual male. I had always been in girls of my age or mature women but over the last few months, I have been feeling disturbed near children. I suspect that I may be attracted to them.

I don't know exactly how I feel, wether it is a sexual feeling, but I know that I don't fantasize children naked or doing sexual things, but again I have been depressed recently and haven't fantasized any girl of my age, doing sexual things, either. I mostly watch legal teen porn, but it keeps popping up in my head that perhaps I like this porn because it is the closest to child porn. I keep saying to myself that I will be aroused by watching child porn and will begin preferring it too. I am afraid that I am going to turn into a pedophile, loosing sexual interest in girls of my age, and start finding little girls erotic.

I feel extremely embarrassed to say this, but I think I should. Yesterday, I was doing a net search on pedophilia, but it made my condition worse, as today, I had been feeling extremely disturbed near an 8 year old cousin. I kept thinking that I am being attracted to her, even though I tried resisting that feeling. I didn't get an erection but felt something in my penis and groin area. I felt extremely embarrassed and sick. I kept thinking that maybe I didn't get an erection because I was resisting it or because she is like a sister, but that I may be aroused if there was some other child. In the past, we had been friendly and she is a sweet child. But I doubt myself that wether it was a brotherly feeling or if I was unconsciously attracted to her all this time. If she sat in my lap and if I ever felt strange, I always removed her, but now I doubt myself that I was doing it for pleasure and I abused her, and it makes me feel very gulited and disgusted. What makes this anxiety worse is this that, I had always found little girls cuter than little boys; thus I keep thinking that it was because I was attracted to the little girls.

I still find girls of my age very attractive, but I am afraid that I like little prepubescent children too. I had recently experimented myself by going over non nude photos of both children and girls of my age. I had an initial natural erection(for sometime) on older girls but nonetheless felt a tingling feeling while watching little children, though no erection.
I am so confused on this all. I have felt depressed and like a monster. One of the things that I can never accept to be is a pedophile. But I dread that I gonna be one of those pedophiles who hate themselves. I know for certain that I will never abuse a child but it doesn't take long to lose one's humanity. I had been avoiding talking to or being near kids but the anxiety comes up even if I see a kid. There is so much going on in my head, that I can't come up to any conclusion.

I was never abused sexually and didn't had exposure to any sexual stuff until puberty. So how can I suddenly turn into a pedophile? I don't want my family to know this so I didn't told my parents. I can't go to a therapist or else I will get reported. Please let me know what you think about me. Thanks for your time.

[Rive1976]

It definitely sounds like Ocd to me.

[supergojeta]

Thanks for the positive reply. I am glad that you think it's OCD. But I need a more detailed answer.

[Rive1976]

Well because you arent really attracted to young girls. Mainly pedophiles like children and dont really like women there age. Plus you are checking on the internet to see if you are a pedophile and checking for groinal responses. All this is checking behavior typical of Ocd.

[ken9018]

Its OCD, because your worried about it and checking up on it. Pedophiles don't do that. They just go and act on it without second thought. Your going through a rough time because the more you check to see if your a pedophile the more it reinforces in your mind that you are one. Piece of advice, when those thoughts come,don't react, don't check etc. Just let them come and go and they will go eventually.

[Randle McMurphy]

I have had similar concerns but more about girls of pubescent ages and upwards and are under the legal age of consent. so I know what you are going through, I have done similar things, tests and ways to check this. I still feel like I might be attracted to girls under the legal age though, it's almost like this concern won't leave me alone.

[supergojeta]

I feel slightly better now. It got worse to the point that I was convinced that I am a pedophile; but I have realised that I may have been wrong.