I've bounced around the forums here, as (like many others) I've been subjected to several different diagnoses in my time. I try not to trouble myself with such labels anymore, as I've all but given up on the "mental health system" in the last few months. If anything, what my varying doctors' various attempts to diagnose my issues has taught me is some vague guidance in terms of where to look for understanding of my symptoms. Recently I've come to a certain understanding about a lot of my recent experiences, which is that they're intrusive thoughts. A lot of my issues revolve around some very disturbing childhood memories, and those memories often interrupt me like a knife stabbing into my inner voice, or an eclipse of my train of thought. It's like someone very dangerous has entered my home (my mind). This understanding has helped me not panic as much when it happens, but it's also come with a bonus of helping me recontextualize another symptom I have, which I've never been able to describe in a very succinct way: it's this feeling that the world has suddenly changed, turned, like a flower or a plant or the way the grass will suddenly shift to reveal it's a praying mantis not a blade of grass. The world shifts in this way, revealing a sudden profound evil. I've started wondering if this could be something akin to an intrusive thought, except that instead of intruding into my mind it "extrudes" from the world.
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