[Maven]

I am so tired of all the rituals and the thoughts. I can't even wipe a surface clean without feeling like I have to change wipes several times, because I don't want to spread dust from one end to the other. I have to wipe so many things to keep dust from accumulating. There are some things that dust is all over and I can't deal with it, so I don't touch those things or go near them. I HATE THIS!!!

The meds suck! I'm on like five of them now, and they take the edge off my anxiety, but the OCD is too strong. I want to live my life, and I have so much I want to do, but now I'm 41, and life grows shorter. Plus, I have to worry about health issues (which are complicated by my OCD) that might limit the time I have to reach my goals, as well.

I hate this so much!!!!!!! I'm so tired of all my rituals, and I just want to be able to move about and do things like normal people. I want to pursue my dreams. Even getting the computer out is a chore. I'm so frustrated!!!!! I have dreams, and opinions, and ideas, and I feel like none of it matters, because I can't get out and pursue them, share them and be active in life!

[ickydog2006]

I know what youu mean about fears/rituals interfering with your goals. Are you seeing a therapist. As far as meds and OCD goes they have really helped lessen my urges and take the edge off anxiety, however, the only way I've been able to overcome any of my rituals is through a mix of meds and therapy. Sometimes it will take months of persistent work to be able to overcome just one ritual.
With the dusting you might try to wipe it with one cloth and when you feel like you need to switch cloths go one or two inches further. Keep trying for the same amount that you were uncomfortable with until you feel fine with it. Then repeat the process of going a little further. This will be a slow process, but I've found it helps. It took me months before I could get myself to climb a certain set of stairs but eventually this technique allowed me too. I also had therapy every week to discuss what was going on and to get ecouragement. It's important you don't try to get through this alone and since these "irrational" fears/rituals are often hard to discuss with others I found it easier to talk to my T about it than my family and friends.

I hope this helps some. We may never be able to accomplish all our dreams (even one's that seem possible for 'normal' people), but don't give up hope. Take it one dream at a time.

[Calm]

Hi Maven, I so feel for you and understand where you're coming from. OCD is a hellish disorder that can literally strip one's life down to nothing. I agree with everything Icky mentioned. Recovery or learning how to cope with it better can be extremely slow going but please try not to give up trying. I wish you wellness and a future life either free of ocd or at least having it lessened greatly. With care, Calm

[Rio_]

Originally Posted by Maven

I hate this so much!!!!!!! I'm so tired of all my rituals, and I just want to be able to move about and do things like normal people. I want to pursue my dreams. Even getting the computer out is a chore. I'm so frustrated!!!!! I have dreams, and opinions, and ideas, and I feel like none of it matters, because I can't get out and pursue them, share them and be active in life!

I don't have OCD, but I hear your pain...hope things get better for you soon.

[Maven]

Thanks. I don't think the inches thing would work for me, icky, because I don't have specific lengths I'll go...I just go to a point, and then cover whatever I didn't do when I wipe the other way. However, I have managed to do some things more like that, using cloths from one end to the other. It works for some things, but not for others.

I have a psychiatrist, but he seems like all the others I've had...no CBT, just meds. Right now, even my boyfriend doesn't think CBT would work for me, not until I get some relief with the meds. I told my shrink I want to try upping the Anafranil (I take the generic, actually), to see if it might work again for me after all these years. It worked wonderfully once before, then a physician took me off it, I got worse, and it stopped working when he put me back on it again. I am so angry at that doctor, and it's too late to sue (turns out, I may very well have had a case, a lawyer told me, but it would have had to be done within two years after I'd seen him; I was young, didn't know I'd end up like this). I might be on a very different path had he not done that to me.

I feel like a disappointment to everyone, and a burden (my boyfriend told me I was a burden several years ago, so it's not just me telling myself that). I feel like I should be able to resist the thoughts, to be "normal." My mom and my boyfriend have both often said to me, "I wish you could..." and it makes me feel so guilty. I snap at my mom because she doesn't (can't) understand, and I am positive she has mental issues of her own, and I don't mean to be impatient, but with everything going on in my head and the mental and physical strain I go through every day, I just don't feel like dealing with her games and stuff. She wants to play on the phone, or I'll be trying to tell her how bad I feel or talk about something serious, and she'll make a joke, or change the subject ("Ooh! That man on TV went flying across the street!"), and I feel like she doesn't want to deal with me. Just like when I was a kid...I'd beg to be held, and she'd make an excuse to get away, like to use the bathroom or have to go iron some clothes, and say she'd be back, but wouldn't come back.

I'm bitter, and angry, and I think that, along with the stress of OCD and panic disorder, and my poor diet, are going to kill me one day.

[Asylum Crew]

sorry that things are hard i understand

Paris

[Maven]

Thanks, Paris.