[lenjan]

No one can trip your triggers quite like the people you grew up with.

My sister has informed me I am a "lazy-***** bum," which is essentially what my parents told me my whole life and which contributed mightily to the fact that my self-esteem has always been off the negative end of the scale. You live what you learn, ya know? If nobody believes in you, you quit trying.

And, actually, I got quite a lot accomplished today -- it's just not enough for HER. Because she is a Type AAAAA+++ (way more hyper and busy than a plain Type A) and I am ... more laid-back, and she can't understand that I'm not her nor do I want to be. (My mother is 80 and still asks why I'm not more like her, since our birthdays are only 4 days apart. So there's another lifelong jab.)

Anyone with similar stories who wants to commiserate?

[pachyderm]

It's you who are paying so much attention to them...

[Irine]

well i understand.

I know a personwho got addicted to different kind of excercise and the such...diets....and all - because he wants to brove his parents wrong. that he is not lazy and not selfish.

Whats funny is - we are AWARE of it but WTF - we STILL cant see throught it. We dont get RID of it.

My parents are SO nice and jentle to me - especially my mother. but i used to be a moody child, i have an artists soul, and my mom used to be upset because of my behavior especially around her friends. so - as much as e is nice, jentle, gives me tones of cash, tones of nice words (wihc i am soooooo sick of) and so and so - i feel i am never a good enough daughter - since she is crazy about me and all i want is to be away from her. tired of everyhting. and if i see her cry i immidiatly feel to blame and that i cause it because as a child i was told not to upset ad daddy always told me that my nerves upset all the family. and that i feel satisfied only when my behavior cause enough trouble.

yeh - eacho to his own.

[ECHOES]

My mother is 80 and still asks why I'm not more like her, since our birthdays are only 4 days apart.

Good grief, how irrational! You and your sister are two separate and distinct persons, as are any two people.
(I might be tempted to research birthdays and find a famous person with a birthday near mother's and ask her why she isn't like that person.... Sorry, the brat in me is showing)

I am different from all my siblings and one in particular is very different from the rest of us. That one has been driven, motivated all his life. He knew exactly what he wanted to do with his life from the time he could talk and he did it and lives a completely different lifestyle than the rest of us. In addition, he was the 'golden child', the only one recognized by my mother as worthy, successful, etc. He is not without his own personal problems and a former therapist mentioned that his being given the 'golden child' label early in life was something he had to deal with also. His failed marriages and estranged children might be the casualties... I don't know.

I noticed that the super-energetic often are very successful in business and that I do not have that in me, but I can be successful in my own way.

I also have know people who are so afraid to slow down and think about life that they keep themselves super busy as a defense. They may be afraid to take the time for introspection, afraid of what they'll find, so they use busy and involvements to cover up feelings of inadequacy.

You are the best you that you can be.

Laid back is a nice quality and in life I'm drawn to someone like you rather than someone like your sister.

I'm sorry your family says hurtful things that are short-sighted and judgemental. I'm glad we all get to choose the way we want to be.

[silver_moon]

I can relate... whatever I do, no matter how big or small, is NEVER good enough for my family and it's effected my confidence and self esteem too. Every day I get told I'm useless and pathetic (and worse).
The only way to get around it is to try and switch off to their comments - and I know how hard that is, seems impossible.

There's a whole bunch of people here who believe in you though
Take care

[Zen888]

I can totally relate as well.

My brother who is my only family member still alive (my parents have both passed on) has told me that I have borderline personality disorder, my mood swings are too much for him to handle, and I have ruined the last 12+ years of his life due to my hospitalizations...etc due to my manic episodes...etc.

I asked my former psychiatrist if I have borderline personality disorder and he said no.

If I get angry with my brother or show any genuine emotion with him he interprets it as a sign of my bipolar disorder. So, unless I am emotionally flat and pretend what he has said to me and acted like towards me doesnt bother me.....he thinks everything is ok and that I am acting "normal".

When I started my BA in PSY my Mom would make fun of my choice and said it was a fluff program. And would call up her relatives to brag about my brother's academic accomplishments. I never did very well in grades K-12.

[Fuzzybear]

gggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!

[sky dancer]

My life has been negatively impacted by the mental illness and substance abuse of my parents. My foster parent, my paternal aunt was also mentally ill.

In turn, my PTSD has affected my partner, my spiritual community and my former co-workers.

My symptoms continue to wreak havoc in my life and in the lives of those around me. That's the way it goes. Yet, it doesn't mean my whole family is garbage or that I'm worthless as a human being. I do know what it feels like to be truly loved for my very being. I know what it feels like to be attended to with open, spacious presence.

My aim is to accept responsibility for my actions, but not blame and not shame.

Shame and blame are the domain of my abusers, not me.

There is a vast difference between accepting responsibility and assigning blame or negative judgment.

My mother may have been psychotic, but she also taught me to laugh. When she wasn't actively psychotic she was kind and thoughtful.

My father may have been depressed and suicidal, narcissistic and sex and alcohol addicted, but he taught me to dance. He taught me to play cards. He introduced me to many colorful characters--his gay friends.

He may have been conflicted, but he was loyal to his friends, and family, even when betrayed.

Accepting the positive along with the negative. Can any of us who suffer with mental illness---either our own or others ask for more?

[Hunny]

"Anyone with similar stories who wants to commiserate?" Yes. Here are some thoughts:

Thanks for starting the group Candybear. On your behalf and on mine and the others we would like to join in on your grrrrrs.

Our measuring stick is quite different than the others in our family of origin. So much measuring done by their measuring sticks results in negativity toward others. It's how they have lived their whole life. So, lovingly without reservation we move closer to those who care, respect and honour us. It's proved to be the best antidote to the viciousness and at times neglect.

We find here at PC quite a lot of the latter. It is quite remarkable the difference! It makes belief in this search for 'caring individuals' that much more delightful.

Here is a bunch of caring for you

H