[tornonce]

How does one change his ways by putting himself first. For years I've been doing the exact opposite. Helping others, doing what was in the best interest form them not me. I didnt and dont care what after affects it has on myself. I've learned to deal with it. Until now. I've been told to put myself first. How can I when someone may get hurt. I don't like doing that. That's why I don't. It may hurt the one I care for the most. How can I say "I'm better than you" or "I don't care"? This has been eating at me for awhile but recently has exploded. Headaches,sick stomach,lack of conceration. All I want to do is crawl inside my box and tell myself "don't worry, it will all go away". And wait til it does

[FeelingHopeful]

Originally Posted by tornonce

How does one change his ways by putting himself first. For years I've been doing the exact opposite. Helping others, doing what was in the best interest form them not me. I didnt and dont care what after affects it has on myself. I've learned to deal with it. Until now. I've been told to put myself first. How can I when someone may get hurt. I don't like doing that. That's why I don't. It may hurt the one I care for the most. How can I say "I'm better than you" or "I don't care"? This has been eating at me for awhile but recently has exploded. Headaches,sick stomach,lack of conceration. All I want to do is crawl inside my box and tell myself "don't worry, it will all go away". And wait til it does

I totally understand because I do the same thing.

[Rhapsody]

I too had to learn to put myself first and I am better off by learning how, for allowing me to take care of me... by taking care of myself more often I became a better person to the ones I loved and cared so much for... and in no way did it make me better than another just because I took time out for ME during my busy taking care of others schedule..... the old saying "you must love your self before you can love another" is true in so many ways... even in taking care of your self.

[0ldsoul]

Hello,

I can connect to this, same thing here. I have done that for years. I have only begun to start changing things up so bare with me, not sure I have many answers yet. What I started to realize is that if you don't try to set limits to your kindness, it just snowballs. You become the "go to guy" everyone knows your that person that they can always count on. I always felt proud and good knowing that. But when you look at it from the eyes of others, they think that they are only using say 4-6 hours a week of your time, or only asking for $40 a week etc... but when you figure that 6 or maybe even more people are doing this (like I said, it can snowball) now your juggling having no time, and lending/giving all your extra income. I always blamed myself for allowing it to happen as I was always the one who would say "of coarse, no problem, what do you need" As they had no clue that there was numerous other people doing the same. Saying no is still SOOOOOO hard for me, but what I started to do was just be 100% honest.

At first, after saying "yes, no problems" for years, all of a sudden, when you say "I am sorry no" people look at you like your a jerk, thats only because they are so accustomed to you always saying yes, its a learned personality trait that you have put out there. So don't feel bad if at first people are shocked and offended, its NOT you. Its simply the fact that its a shocking change. How many other people do you think say no? ALLOT.

Lastly, explain things, let them know whats going on. When I got fed up and realized I could not handle it anymore, I simply told everyone (in an email I sent out to everyone, hidden recipients of coarse) that "I am sorry, but due to the increasing amount of help I am giving and time I am spending away from work, I have to cut back. 40-46 hours a week are on average spent away from work, I can not afford this any longer. I will be dedicating 2 days a week to doing favors, Day "X" and also on day "X"."

So, that was my attempt, it went fairly well, people were amazed and shocked, they even showed concern for how much time I was spending. They were VERY supportive. Some took offense while others talked to me about it. But just remember, if they don't know they cant understand how thin you spread yourself out.

Good luck, its very hard to break the cycle, but just think about how you getting sick yourself will effect those you help if you can no longer help them at all.

0ldsoul