[pauli]

About two years ago I started writing to people in prison in America. It's been a really interesting and rewarding experience actually.

Recently I was told of an article (didn't read it myself) that people who write to inmates generally have low self esteem - whilst this doesn't bother me I did find it curious as to how this statement could be justified.

Although I've had a few inmates try to get $ from me - I have also made some terrific friendships - it's also taught me that just because some people do bad things it doesn't make them bad people.

One thing that I've noticed in relation to my penfriends is that most of them have a similar background - abusive parents, lack of education, drug or alcohol addiction - that kinda thing.

[vacantangel]

WOW Paul!!! That's something that I wouldn't have thought to do. How did you get started and how many people do you write to?

[Kathyanita]

if you have very good identity boundaries it can be like a missionary giving comfort and relationship to the incarcerated. For my own self i have recently learned i should not go out of my way to seek out for freindship people that are so dysfuctional they act out against others and society

[pauli]

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WOW Paul!!! That's something that I wouldn't have thought to do. How did you get started and how many people do you write to?

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I just came across a website and decieded to write. All up I have around 20 penfriends - some write once a fortnight, some once a month, some once every couple of months.

It's been a really healthy thing for me actually as it does help put my woes into perspective plus I feel like I am having a direct input in helping people.

Whilst I realise they have done the wrong thing, it's also true they they will one day get out and I feel that by showing them truth and care (what many have missed out on) they are less likly to reoffend).

[vacantangel]

I commend you for doing this. I personally wouldn't be able to for personal safety reasons, real or imagined. I don't mean that to sound prejudice but I have traumas in my past and this would trigger me. I do think that it is great that you are able to reach out to them and extend friendship. That may be something that some of them have never had before.

[pauli]

Yes, I must admit that I don't think I'd write to anyone in prison here in Australia - the distance is a reassuring factor.

[vacantangel]

There is more comfortability in not being on the same continent. Do you use a PO box? I would never use my home address. Too risky. Does it matter to you what they are in prison for when you choose who you'll write to? I know I'm sounding very prejudice but I'm only thinking of myself and the emotional trauma that could result from doing this due to my background. I just think you have to think of your own personal safety first. I'm glad that it gives you a sense of helping and I'm sure it means a lot to them too.

[pauli]

Yeah, I try not to dwell too much on their crimes as my role is that of friend if you know what I mean.

Being so far away I don't use a PO Box - I figure that if they make it all the way out to Australia it wouldn't take much for them to find me anyhow.

It's strange, as often when you get to know someone it seems really hard to believe they are guilty of their crime.

Part of my role I guess is to help them understand their actions and to encourage them not to give up but strive to be the best person they can. I believe it's when a person doesn't care about themself that they violate others, by gaining self respect I figure they are less likly to harm others. I know some people will disagree with this which is fair enough, these are just my views.

[vacantangel]

I think you are right in what you are saying. Are they receptive to understanding their actions, the effect it has had on others, including their own families, victims, etc, and trying to be the best person they can? Have you run across anyone that claims they are innocent?

[dayzee9]

((((((((((((Pauli))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Many "Kudos" to you....people in the reform systems today are in dire need of a "friend" who is not just filling someone elses way of personal emotional validations. Let me explain...

First off, I come a very dysfunctional family, I am the youngest & only girl of formerly 4 older brothers (lost 2 to suicide)The one closest to me by one year, was in a state reformatory for boys by age 12; my whole familyG seemed to break their fingers b/c they never wrote to him. I wrote to him weekly. He continued in the correctional system until age 34,,& I continued my weekly letters -- being a ward of the courts myself (juvenile delinquent) at age 15 to adult (18) I met a lot of ppl who I always promised to write to, they'd say "great" They promised me they'd write to me -- but they were always surprised that I
continued. There is a major factor to keep in mind when you are writing to ppl in corrections.........#1: They've gone thru the old "gimme your address, I'll drop ya line" routine too many times than they'd like to remember. Years of a few "starting letters" then nothing......shuffling in line waiting for mail call, only to not hear their name; day after day until desolation sets in..again!!! A person in corrections lives a very different life....if you invest in a relationship of this type...YOU KEEP YOUR WORD! If you don't..it's like what I used to do: (sensitive ppl, don't read any further) whenever I'd hook up w/ an the "outside" who promised to keep in touch, when they stopped writing (or never wrote (max wait time of 3 months)I made 1 long slit across my wrist. Between my "incarcerations" age 15-18; my wrists look like a possessed person in a horror movie. If you promise to write a person you must remember that YOU are making a VERY serious committment & they expect honesty, humor & True friendship. They aren't usually allowed to read about the outside world unless they get to the local newspaper before it gets ripped up by the psycho's every day. They (I) have very dependent behaviors; aka: Don't make promises you cannot keep. If you make a promise... you keep it. I turned around and starting writing to ppl I met in low-security homes/institutions when they got sent 'State-side" (State Reformatory..max security) These ppl considered me their personal "family" b/c most of them...their families have given up on them. (and these ppl are much more acceptable about MPD/DID) The fact that they are "cut off" know that a person from the outside world who is a "regular writer/true friend" they become very dependent; and yes...the backgrounds all start to sound common-place AODA;,physical/sexual abuse;violence'despair; despondent; acting out against society..very low self-esteem. To say that ppl who write to ppl in institutions (prisons, whatever)have low-esteem is pure 100% ppl who have the guts to go all out as a genuine kindred soul & write as promised;cheer these ppl by an ocassional stupid off-the-wall card;do something from the heart as a "true friend"....not as a cheerleader & Hallmark cards. These ppl need reality, they need honesty to let them know they have actually have a shot out in that big world they "hear" so much about! #2 DO NOT send pictures! Whatever side of the road they're with, pictures fall into wrong hands and can result in VERY messy, sticky, screwed-up situations. I had a "guy friend" who I started writing to when I was 19(I weighed in @ 109 at 5'7" then he went 'stateside"...we kept in "contact" on & off until I hit age 36 when my ED of one extreme or another was on the scale at 200 lbs...I sent this "life friend" of all
those years a picture...only to find out in one final letter that he had a life goal to get out of prison & marry me & when he was released. He got the picture of the 200 lb "me" I got a letter a couple of months down the road from his cell mate telling me of his suicide. Turns out from age 19- 37 he was convinced that we were "soul mates" despite there was never any sexual content in our letters to each other. We were very, very close friends..but I had no idea. When you are "institutionalized",,,after awhile; your mind creates it's own world...obvious NOW...I got "lost for years". Broken promises of promised letters and//of friendship leaves scars you cannot imagine....

MY POINT: (oh, finally!) Before anyone commits to a "pen-pal-manship" w/ someone in corrections; you better make sure you DO follow thru! Empty promises to confined ppl CAN be a matter of an incarcerated person's life or death And I am not being dramatic........On the "sunny side" A relationship w/ an incarcerated person can be some of the most honest & fulfiling friendship you can ever experience.....yeah, I'm still writing to many ppl I've run across from long ago...some of my BEST friends I've ever had........doing it thru a web site is an accident waiting to happen; especially w/ the "money forelorn"

But ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Pauli))))))))))))))))
WRITE ON!!!!!!!

[Myzen]

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About two years ago I started writing to people in prison in America. It's been a really interesting and rewarding experience actually.

Recently I was told of an article (didn't read it myself) that people who write to inmates generally have low self esteem - whilst this doesn't bother me I did find it curious as to how this statement could be justified.

Although I've had a few inmates try to get $ from me - I have also made some terrific friendships - it's also taught me that just because some people do bad things it doesn't make them bad people.

One thing that I've noticed in relation to my penfriends is that most of them have a similar background - abusive parents, lack of education, drug or alcohol addiction - that kinda thing.

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Hi Pauli,

There is a theory that some people who get into helping people who are very clearly in a weaker position than they are, do it through low self esteem. When I was working in inner city adult education programmes I occasionally came across people who seemed to be 'do gooders' because of some unresolved issues they had in themselves. These people were not the best tutors, as they lacked objectivity when things got difficult, and they over identified with people they saw as 'victims'.

I suspect that some people become prison friends througha personal agenda like this, but the vast majority will just be well meaning and generous folk, without issues; I'm sure of that.

Showing some humanity to people locked up in prison can only be a good thing, to get them out of the claustrophobia of their surroundings for a little while.

Has anyone thought that this could be a little like psych central? Mental illness is certainly a kind of prison, and I have found that writing and reading with other folks here has been a lifeline for me. In 3d I am always pretending to be OK, but here we can be honest with each other. For someone with panic disorder or agoraphobia, the 3d world is certainly a kind of prison.

Cheers, Myzen.

[darkeyes]

Well, it all depends what you consider "bad".
Many of the reasons that a person would end up in prison, such as murder, assualt, rape, pedophilia, armed robbery, etc. are "bad" as far as I am concerned, regardless of one's childhood, thousands of people have had horrible childhoods and do not go on to be criminals.
Don't forget too, while in prison, some of these pen pals of yours, may be telling you "nice" things that may be untrue for your sympathy, sure they are lonely but they have only themselves to blame for being there.
I do understand this is not always a black and white situation, lot of grey area, so I can understand some benefits for the prisoners and even the writer.
I can understand more though, how writing to people in psych wards or re-hab can benefit those, and also those away from home in the military, these people get lonely as well.
I hope whoever does correspond to those in prison do not fill them up with false hopes, etc. but just some light conversation, to help prevent triggering any unwanted behaviour.
I'm sorry I don't fully agree with you on this, but if you like writing to them, it's your right to do so.
Please take care and be careful,

DE

[pauli]

Yeah, I accept that people have differing views on the matter - all part of lifes rich tapestry.

I, in no way, defend the actions of the people I write to. I agree that we all have choices although I think being white and middle class 'choice' is an easy thing to discuss.

It's true certainly that in the past penfriends have told me what I wanted to hear but the people who are not genuine are fairly easy to spot.

Ultimatley and on a practicle level I personally don't think a focus souly on retribution works - when people come out of prison worse than when they went in it doesn't benefit anyone.

Personally I don't think people are born good or bad rather that we learn behaviour - this isn't to take away responsibility from the individual but too understand that some people simply do not know any better. Others succumb to greed or drugs many of whom readily admit their mistakes.

[(JD)]

I, also, am concerned about this. It's tough enough for ppl without mental health issues to do this safely... and I know because I used to correspond with some through the Christian Prison Fellowship prior to my injury.

I will try to respond without giving in to my hypervigilance caused by the PTSD, recalling what was I can of importance from before.

The incarcerated community is well connected - to each other. While you might not be (and it sounds like you are not positive?) writing with anyone in your country, the names and addresses DO get passed around.

There are few that admit they are guilty. Of those who do admit it, there are those who are proud (inside) of what they did.

The innmates who have no conscious are very good at CON-ing...with no remorse. In other words, if you are taken in, you won't know it until it's too late.

Please contact an organization that works with inmates in this area, at least for ongoing advice and safety precautions.

Yes, be up front with whether you will be continuing to write for the long haul, or if you will only be writing once every 6 weeks or so, so they are not disappointed in "life" once again and learn a little patience. (And are rewarded for it.)

Try not to get too personal with them. Let it be all about THEM and their life, past, changes and societal norms.

good wishes.

[Kathyanita]

Sky
thank goodness you have the words to make this very sensible reply. For what its worth i totally agree with this advice about safety.

[pauli]

Hi, yeah - I was in no way suggesting people take this up as an activity. I am not promoting the idea of writing merely that is something I have found of value.

Yes people need to be careful - all of that.

I feel sorry I made this post now as I think some people have mis understood where I am coming from (no offence).

[darkeyes]

Okay, my last reply, and I do not mean to insult anyone, if you feel comfortable in writing to prisoners, and it has nothing to do with one's colour or creed, then go ahead.
Just keep in mind the victims of the prisoners, the children raped and/or murdered by them, the adults too, so much more, but I'll shut up now.
But if you are concerned with their loneliness, talk to the victims, the families of victims, etc. and then you may be able to see both sides of this.
Sorry, that you feel sorry you brought this up.

Lots of luck with your endeavors,

DE

[(JD)]

Tks for mentioning this Pauli it's a new topic to be posted here, I think, for at least a very long time, anyway! No need to be sorry...it's good to have topics to discuss that are not too personal in nature... though it does affect all of us personally.

DE has a good point too... we must keep others in mind too, imo.

And, if the prisoner is going to be in prison forever, or if they will be released might make a difference on writing to them too.. as being honest with them (and hoping they can become honest about themselves) is a big part of rehabilitation... which is what we want and need from those who are going to reenter society...

Giving to others is always a good thing! It does wonders for the psyche.