At what point do you accept some of the blame?

I've been thinking a lot this past week about blame.

As a victim of emotional abuse, I'm trying to put pieces together in some sort of time line, trying to see which came first, my metamorphosis into a raving lunatic or the put downs, accusations, and control.

As a child and teenager I can clearly remember throwing things and raising my voice. Threw a rollerskate at my brother when he called me a name. Rode my bike head first into the garage wall when I was mad about something around the age of 9. Threw a lawnchair when my best friend decided to cancel our day together at the last minute when I was probably 19. I still do it occasionally at 43. Just a few months ago after buying a board game, my 12-y/o son started pitching a fit because he didn't want to play by the rules, so I overturned the board out of anger, said we just wouldn't play and the game could go in the trash. (It didn't. We still have the game).

OK, so I have a temper as a bit of background info here.

At the age of 20, enter my future husband. Before he'd even asked me out, barely knew me, he follows me and some of my friends several hours into the Rockie Mountains to "rescue" me from these people he claimed were a bad influence on me. He just shows up on the sun deck after I got some hot chocolate. He'd checked out two other resorts trying to track me down. In hindsight, that should have been a tip off, shouldn't it? Well, it wasn't.

I remember always getting frustrated when it was time to get ready to go somewhere, but not until after this guy entered my life. Before then, I could slap on the war paint with no problem. Afterwards, it felt like torture. I wanted to look nice for me, but if I looked too good, he would say I was doing it to look nice for other guys. If he'd say "You look really nice today" I'd cringe, wondering what it was he wanted out of me. If things weren't going just right for me, hairbrushes would go flying, my temper would go off the chart, and I'd refuse to go with him. It was always something he wanted to do - his family, his friends, his business gatherings. He'd stand there talking to me, watching me get ready. It felt creepy. I'm not sure why, but it did. To this day, I can't have anyone watch me get ready. I even have to ask the kids to leave the room and not talk to me so I can get ready undisturbed.

The more I balked, the more control he tried to exert, and the more I'd balk. And then my depression started to take even more hold. And then more emotional manipulation on his part took place. And I finally couldn't take it any more.

At one point, I threw a camera that I loved at him and broke parts of it, a camera I can't easily replace or repair. Why did I throw it? Because that camera represented to me how he'd entered my life. I joined the Army as a photographer, and we met in the Army.

So, how do I come to grips that some of this may have been in some way brought about by my own doing?

WI fighter,

I think it's healthy to look at one's self to see just what part they played in a relationship. However, don't go too far-- as the saying goes -- " it takes two to tango".

Sure you may have had some faults- but so did your ex. As do I and everyone else on this planet. No one is fault free all the time.

My husband has temper problems like you- last year a flying TV remote made contact with my eye-- got a shiner! He's been like this since a teen, according to his mom. I don't know what causes such a temper- wish I did- I would help both you and my husband!

I think a good thing for you is realizing the past and making your and your kids future better. I believe you're asking the right questions-- and will find the answers that make your life better. I'm proud of you!!--

Got to run to my weekly - pilates exercise class! ( it's about the only time I'm around people- besides my once a week volunteer position) I'm very reclusive- not out of anxiety- out of self confidence problems. Oopss- now I'm rambling sorry!! t/c

Mandy

Hi Wi,

I'd recommend some face to face counselling before you start blaming yourself.

It's pretty well known that children of dominant parents often walk into another submissive relationship in later life. It's as if the dominators can sense the fear. A good counsellor can help us to break the pattern and start laying down some requirements of our own.

You deserve it. Being dominated as a child is bad enough without walking into it again in later life.

I'll never forget my father's remark - 'It seems like you made yourself the victim'. Oh yes?

Good thoughts to you,

Myzen.

Thanks 2b and Ozzie.

Myzen, I'm not so sure I was dominated as a child, at least not to the extent that I was as a married adult. My first stepfather was very dominating and demeaning, I only lived with him for a couple of years, but I don't remember that from my own father. We actually had a good relationship. My mother had mental health issues of her own. She was an inpatient for a few months when I was in second grade (about 8 years old) after a SA and/or something about holding a shotgun to my dad's face. I really have no solid info of bad things when I was growing up, just bits and pieces of confrontations recalled here and there. In my family it's kind of like "if you ignore it, it never happened." My ex is like that, too. Me, I'm one to lay it all out on the table (obviously, LOL) Yet I've never confronted my family to tell me the truth of how things were when I was little. Maybe I'm afraid to know.

I think Ozzie said it best. I didn't start to get better until I accepted the fact that there was fault on both parts and set my mind to moving on and learning from my mistakes. Best of luck to you.

Ry

Thanks Ryan. I think you're right too, about Ozzie's advice. I know I wasn't the greatest person to live with at the time either, whether or not it came before or after, so now I just have to work on not letting it happen again.