[Locust]

*sighs* I know that if I never have anything more than this to complain about in life, I'll be doing great....but it still bothers me. I feel like everyone online HATES me. Okay, this is taking it a bit far, but.....I feel picked on and bullied online. I feel singled out. I need to vent because I feel nervous when I get into arguments, and so everytime this happens and I'm called out online, I get a small anxiety attack. Also, it sucks anhd depresses me a bit that the sites I want to be on, are so often inhospitable to me.

I know sometimes, when I'm reprimanded on forums, it is my fault. Yet, other times, I feel like I have done nothing wrong at all. Then, in the middle, there are times when I feel I might have gotten out of line, but don't think I've done anything bad enough to deserve the treatment I get. Also, sometimes others are allowed to do the same things with no repercussions. I feel like I can't do anything right on some forums, and even when I do things right, people pick on me. So far, this forum is one of the few where I feel I can come and be treated relatively nicely most of the time, and not have to tip toe around. Here, where people are triggered so easily, I feel less need to tip toe than on other forums, where every little thing brings judgement. And even when I do nothing it seems to bring on arguments on other forums.

I wanted to share with you some examples of what I'm talking about.

Forum 1- A religious forum

Ex. 1: Someone asked us to describe our religious and spiritual beliefs, then to define the labels we had used for ourselves. I did. I won't get into the specifics of what I said, due to the rules on this site about religious discussion. I'll be vague.

I gave my answer. Someone told me that the word I used had a more specific meaning in that community, generally speaking. I said, I was aware of this (for the most part, though I couldn't recall the exact meaning), but that the manner in which I used the word (and the definition I provided) were still valid. It could be found in the dictionary. I said that was how I meant it, and I liked the word to describe my beliefs. They continued to argue with me, acting as though I had been disrespectful to use it that way in their community because it wasn't their special language and definition. I said the definition is valid, it is my label for my own personal beliefs, and the poster requested that we share our labels for our own beliefs- not other people's labels for us- and then to describe what was meant by those words. They didn't ask for other people to label me. This was the term I liked, and it was valid.

They continued to be belligerant about it. I told them there were no worries about anyone misunderstanding me, which they suggested might hapen, since I had explained myself in the original post, and whenever I used that term to describe myself, I explained what I meant by it to others. By this point more than one individual was jumping me, and no mods helped me out.

Ex. 2: On the same site, after this, a mod commented on something I did. You know those quote boxes you use in forums? I didn't always use them because I was quoting several parts of an individual post, and commenting in between the quotes. Instead of constantly typing in the html for the boxes or copy and pasting that, I just used their username (showing I was talking to them) and when I quoted them, I'd say, "You said..." and I'd use quotes around what they said. So, it was understood that those particular individuals said the words in the quotation marks. I didn't realize it was a big deal to not use the boxes, since I gave credit for the quotes. Yet, when the mod said something about it, I didn't argue with them. I simply apologized and said I'd avoid it from now on. As far as I know, I DID use the quote boxes in all posts after that. If I hadn't, it was an accident, and I know I'd made posts using the quote boxes after this, which I was making an effort to do, but I got a rude reply, anyway.

The mod made a smart alec post in response saying I was still doing it and suggesting I had learned nothing. Maybe I had made a post without the quote boxes after their post, but my guess is, if I did, it was probably before I'd READ their post. After reading it I actually was trying to use the boxes and thought I had used them every single time. Instead of saying, no big deal as long as you're willing to change it- thanks for using the quote boxes, they got rude with me. After this and the other incident, I never returned. It was such a small thing, which I apologized for and corrected, and yet, they gave me attitude.

Forum 2- A forum about astral projection, dreaming, etc.

Ex. 1: I did leave a comment some might consider a bit innapropriate, though I wasn't trying to be vulgar. It was a bit adult. However, the post was over a somewhat.....adult related topic, and someone else had started the thread. Someone else had posted a response that was very similar to mine and I basically just posted in agreement with that person and shared my own experience to back it up. I don't think I said anything that was really much worse- if any worse- than that respondant had. My post was flagged and theirs was not, even though it came before mine.

Forum 3- A paranormal forum

Ex. 1: I go to this forum which has a chat. One day I was discussing poltergeists with someone when another chatter got very rude with me because she disagreed with something I said. I think she disagreed with me because I said something sounded like potential poltergeist activity. She was really rude, I believe she suggested I had no authority to talk (I thought we were sharing ideas, not waiting for experts to play Q & A), and I think at some point asked me about the definition, and I told her what it was. She said something about me having googled it while we chatted, as if I didn't know the definition for poltegeists originally and was faking. I didn't google it and found that to be a rude suggestion.

I tried to explain to her that no one has proven they even exist, let alone what the true source is, so my opinion on the matter should be fine to discuss in chat. She was not the authority on what poltergeists were. She was acting like she was an expert and I was an idiot with no right to speak. She wasn't just disagreeing, she was basically attacking me. The mods seemed to take her side, too! They never booted me, but they seemed to support her. I presume because she'd been around for longer than I had. I stayed, not wanting her to think she'd ran me off, but didn't go back after this, for a long time.

Ex. 2: After I went back a couple of times, I brought up a paranormal topic and some woman said something like, "Really? Seriously?"- and she meant it like.....get real, not as in, "Wow, did that really happen?" I could tell because of some other things she said immediately afterwards, such as, "Well, I better go now before I say something to get myself banned." I said, "Really, seriously, you wanna get attitude over this? That is a lame thing to fight about." She said she never got attitude. I said, "You just told me that you were gonna leave before you said something to get yourself banned, in response to what I said." She said it was a joke. Then jumped me for having no sense of humor. I said I didn't know her and I couldn't hear her tone of voice online. She then said, "Well look at it from my point of view, you're here for (insert some short time) and start talking about (insert what I was talking about)." She was inferring it was silly, so I deserved it. I said basically, I never meant exactly what she had thought I meant, first of all, and secondly, it's a paranormal chat. You should expect such topics. Before I even explained that to her, she was rolling her eyes in a smiley and calling on a mod. He never said anything to her for telling me to get a sense of humor, for being rude to me about the topic I'd brought up, or for saying she'd get herself banned responding to me so she'd better leave, etc. I feel like the mods there befriend these jerks and then let them run all over everyone.

Forum 4- A bpd friends and family forum

Ex. 1: The site was mostly for friends and loved ones of people with bpd. I think I might have bpd, but also have a couple loved ones I am almost SURE have it. The site said those with bpd were welcome- it might have said if they are also nons, or it might have said ESP. if they are also nons. Well, one person there had said on a post that she had bpd and was also close to another person with bpd, and she sometimes responded as a non, and sometimes responded from the point of view of someone with bpd. No one seemed to mind this post. I introduced myself with the intention to do the same, so that it might help people understand how our minds were working. I also mentioned I hoped to learn something from the nons on the forum, and to help others understand bpd'ers, as well. I did say that I had a big handle on my anger, so wasn't worried that I'd be rude to anyone on there, as long as they were nice to me. I prob. shouldn't have said this, and can see how it might have sent up warning flags. I just meant, if you are nice, I will play nice. I know they might have been scared that as someone with possible bpd, I might jump to incorrect conclusions and jump someone who didn't deserve it. Though, they never mentioned this when they banned me from posting after my introduction- they simply said the site was for nons and people could not post from the bpd perspective, even though this other woman was doing it and openly saying so, and no one cared.

One post seemed to show a lack of understanding of bpd, but I never got to respond to it and point out how bpd symptoms could cause the opposite affect and how psychological findings supported it. I was going to nicely point this out, but I never got to because I got banned after my intro. I was allowed to still look at postings so I could learn, the guy was polite in the email, but I was upset because I think even the rules might have said it was okay to post from the bpd perspective, and this other woman openly did so, and the rules said people with bpd could join. It felt unfair, though I semi understand, since I know the nons deal with a lot, too and want to feel safe. But I think I really was safe. I think it was open to discussion, but I was so upset, I never tried to discuss it. I just left.

Forum 5- A spiritual and paranormal forum

When I first joined this forum, I asked them if one iffy post of mine would be okay. I know it seemed against the rules, but I thought it was diff.- long story. I asked BEFORE posting and it was approved. I posted a diff. post later one and it was pulled for length supposedly- and because some parts were thought, irrelevant. I understand that. I changed it and it was posted, so I figured, no big deal. I posted much more after this before it hit the fan....all in a short time period.

Ex. 1: I made a post which did say some religious stuff..... you can discuss the spiritual, but not be too outright religious. However, other people said some religious stuff, too. If mine were to be pulled for that, I think it would have been a misunderstanding over what I meant, which was possible. I also made some reference to sometimes thinking I'd be better off dead, BUT this was NOT the main point of the post, since the post was largely about fear of death and spiritual confusion, etc. You can't suggest suicide there. It was pulled, someone asked me if I was okay, but the post was reposted in its entirity, since the staff decided it was fine. Thus, I think it shouldn't count against me.

Ex 2: Not long after, one was pulled and not subject to discussion. I kind of understand. The main topic was love and how certain bodily chemicals, brain structure, etc., influence it. But sex was important to the discussion due to its oxytocin connection. So, I did mention sex, but tried to be vague. It wasn't vulgar or graphically detailed. I had seen similar stuff in the news, which also mentioned the sex- and the news is easily accesible to kids, even if unfit for them, at times. Sex wasn't the main topic, and I tried to be fairly tame with what I said. I had seen sex mentioned elsewhere on the site. I was also under the impression that sub-forum was for miscellaneous discussion. I was told the site had a lot of kid oriented stuff on it, suggesting mine was too adult, and that it was only for on-topic posts. The rules for that sub forum, on closer inspection, do suggest everything should relate back to the forum, but I could swear earlier that it said it was for miscellaneous things AND even the staff make posts about random things in that section that are NOT on topic, at all. Yet, I understood why she thought it was too adult, so I let it go. Yet, I thought she was very cold in her pm. I know she can't be a friend and mod at once, but we do talk on the forums, and I thought she could be less rude and cold, like a bot. She said, anything else and I'd be on probation.

Ex. 3: I ended up on probation, much to my surprise, since I'd thought my following posts had been fine. I had responded to a woman and concerned her kid might be being abused, I said so. No one else on there suggested this, which disturbed me. Yet, I got called out. The lady messaged me, said thanks for the concern, but she's fine. She said she responded on post. She did. I responded, said I could see she'd investigated the abuse possibility, which was great, it was what she should have done. I believed she was a good mom, and it seemed less likely, in light of this evidence that she'd been abused. I said if she wanted, I could PM her about the med. problems her daughter had, since I had a couple ideas that I thought it might be, and while her doctor might have mentioned it to her, you never know. I said IF she wanted me to, I would. She became upset, pulled her posts, and I got reprimanded. I should point out that I never suggested the mother was abusive. I was told the rules forbidded giving such advice. I looked in the main rules (which she sent me in the pm telling me I was on probation, and seeming to suggest that these rules forbidded such talk). No such rule was listed in the main rules. It turned out it was in that sub- section in vague terms. But I felt someone needed to say it and not turn a blind eye to the possibilities. I feel I was the only one who was more concerned about the child than the mother's possible reaction. And when she PM'd me about this to tell me I was on probation, she was very rude with me and said this was in response to several posts that made this woman pull her posts (I'd made 2 posts to her- a couple isn't several if you ask me). She didn't seem to understand at all. I know she has a job to do, but thought she could be understanding, say she realized I was simply concerned about the child, but that I handled it in a way in which the forums wouldn't allow for such and such reason. But she was just totally cold and scolding.

Anyway, I also got totally kicked off one subforum, even though it wasn't a section in which my posts had been pulled, while allowed to post in subforums where I had pulled posts. In most sections, I am monitored, except for one. I also cannot PM.

Ex 4: I almost considered leaving. If you can't speak up for a kid you are concerned about, what can you do? I even posted a response saying she seemed to have handled it well, I could see abuse was less likely now, but hey, if she wanted my opinion on the medical issue she had mentioned, I'd share my thoughts. IF she wanted it, yet I was the bad guy. I guess I came across strong, but how can you come across lightly on such an issue? Anyway, while I considered leaving, I decided to stay because it is one of the few good sites on the topic. I really wanted my full rights back. And guess what? I posted something recently which was pulled. You can't post ridiculous paranormal stuff, since they want to have some integrity. I made a list of some bizzare fears of mine in the miscellaneous section, and related some back to the site topic. I said some of these are related to the site topics, some aren't, and some are just plain silly. I admitted I didn't think the crazy ones were possible (so I didn't get in trouble for talking about silly paranormal beliefs that were way out there), and invited others to share their odd fears. One person responded. I checked back tonight and it was gone.

Ex 5: Much to my surprise, something else was pulled. I was still allowed to post in the children related section. I posted a response to someone there. My posts there have been monitered since the incident where the woman pulled her posts because of my replies. Also, now, everyone is being monitered there. So, my post had to be read by a mod and approved. It WAS APPROVED by a MOD- then PULLED. If the mods don't know their own rules and what is acceptable, how can I know? I feel at this point that they are over-reacting to everything I say on there and looking for a reason to pull my posts. I don't think I said ANYTHING inappropriate, rude, etc. or out of the rules in this particular post. And it was APPROVED. I could have sworn I saw it approved and posted after I hit enter, after a mod had reviewed it. And now it is gone. Approved, the revoked. ACK. I am just waiting to be scolded for my two recent inappropriate posts.

Ex 6: This wasn't to me, but just to show how things are, the same woman who seems to be jumping me most of the time, also helped to run off one of my fav. members on the site who said the mods seemed to be attacking her beliefs because they conflicted with their own, and that rather than disagreeing and discussing things, it felt like her beliefs were attacked. Also, recently, this mod said to someone, "Really?" in response to their belief, and went on to talk as though it were ridiculous. I disagreed with them, too, but felt she was being condescending and acting like she knew it all. She also asked where this idea came from since she hadn't seen it in any ancient texts, as though that was the only way to determine if it was real. I mean, just because she thinks that is the measure of all truth, doesn't mean everyone else does. She just had a real rude attitude about it and I felt she was talking down to him. I saw some comment she made once about running a tight ship, but it made the site better. It does if you keep it free of spam, flames, and yes, crap, but they go overboard with policing me, I think. I feel like, due to some issues she had with some stuff I posted, she is judging my other posts twice as harshly, and me as a result.

It is one of the few sites were I can discuss these topics, so I'd like to be able to remain there, but I feel like they hate me there. The members seem good with me for the most part, but the mods- esp. this one- seem to hate me.

[nowheretorun]

discussing things reasonably, responsibly, maturely is the best way Locust... i dont see where you've been unreasonable in any fashion... if anything you've gone the extra step to protect the dignity and autonomy of those you are in conflict with and your example should lead them to meet you on that level... if it does not then maybe you can tell yourself that they are just not ready or able to confront the issue in an emotionally balanced direction and you are then challenged to speak your thoughts more clearly, acceptingly, and patiently.. i will pray for understanding for all

[Peppermint_Patty]

Hi Locust,

Online forums, IMHO are notorious for heated arguments due to people misinterpreting and overreacting to someone else's comments.

I think the reason why this happens is because all the communication is in writing.

If it were a Real Life discussion where the listener could also hear the tone of voice, see the facial expressions, etc... there probably wouldn't be as much miscommunication.

Also... people tend to be more bold in their comments online than they are in person just because they think they are anonymous.

Anyway... I wouldn't let the posters you have encountered on other forums get under your skin too much because life's too short and such people ain't worth the bother.

Also...I have been on the 'net since 2000. Chat rooms and message boards used to be fun places where you could meet interesting people and have some intelligent conversations but now... the level of intelligence and politeness has declined so significantly that I hardly ever deal with chatrooms and message boards much any more unless they are heavily moderated.

You might want to do the same and curtail your posting if you are encountering too many troublemakers on some of those forums you mentioned.

Another thing you could do is start your own forum on Yahoo Groups or Topica and moderate it yourself. It can be a lot of work but at least that way you can keep the trolls out.

Good Luck to You,

Peppermint

[Michah]

Hi Locust,

The group dynamic is a strange and fluid creature.......I am still learning the intricacies and complexities of group dynamics.......it is one of the reasons for me joining PC.......was to become more familiar with the group......as I have spent mst of my life running and screaming from groups

I have learnt many things.......and made mistakes I am sure.

I have also avoided for I do not like confrontation, especially when I cannot soften words or feelings due to a computer screen. Being a writer, it has taught me a valuable lesson......that words can only express so much, that the meaning of phrases are open to interpretation.

I would hate to think that you feel like everyone is against you, although I do know how that feels sometimes irl. And those feelings can spill over into other areas. I know for a fact, that not everyone is against you. It is a numerical impossibility. We just try and find our way like everyone else and hope that we can make a difference somewhere and get some healing in the meantime.

Take good care.......you are important here, as is everyone else......sometimes we just need to be told.....that we matter.......well, I am telling you.......that you matter.......stick around and work towards forgiveness, a bit of self-loving, especially on the yukky days.......know that we are here......

In stillness,

Michah

[crystalrose]

i don't think u will have the same problems at psych central. The mods are fair and keep things safe.

[starrina]

Hey Locust I have had a lot of trouble with people
in forums and chat rooms over the yrs and I understand how you feel
I once got a 24hour ban from a forum for posting song lyrics
the rule was you had to give credit where it was due I always did
I have been stalked for yrs by someone who made life very hard
I try very hard to hlp where I can and if I cannot I will tell that person
I have no advice that would help.
It seems to me that the people that go online and no not all but they
seem to think there are no conseqenses (cannot spell sorry ) for their actions they think its the internet they cant see,so therefore they can not hurt me
I rarely go into the chat room or post simply out of fear,I do not
ever want to cause another pain,I am truely sorry for what has happened
perhaps you can take another look at the people involved and ask
yourself this
what are the pros and cons so next time I can say ok this person
will go on ignore because I recignize things that say we will not be good together we will clash.I hope this makes sense and helps even just a little.

(((Locust))))))))) Im glad you feel safe here . The internet can be a scarey place from time to time. Its best to keep yourself safe as I tell most ppl . Know that you are welcome here. and you matter.
2 links i put on another thread
http://wiredsafety.org/cyberstalking_harassment//
http://www.haltabuse.org/help/isit.shtml
stay safe be well