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#1
Oct 26, 2009, 02:25 AM
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Yeah...guilty!!
I just moved in with this nice lady, into her 4 bdrm house two weeks ago. She is renting me two rooms out for a decent price. I had every intention to stay here, but I am now having the most difficult time not having a place of my own. It is soooo hard for me to live in someone elses home. I can't really explain it....or maybe I can, but I'm not sure it's fair. When I was younger...my father would always make it well known that my brother and I had nothing. His favorite thing to say to us was "that isn't your room...it's mine. I just let you live here." As I got older and moved on my own...I have had a really hard time sharing my space. Part of it is I have trouble being around other people's mess/dirt. Now I am not a clean freak. I leave my dishes in the sink for a day or two...I hate dusting...I vacuum only when someone is coming to visit and I leave my sweaters/coats lying around. But, I'm not a slob either. But dealing with other's mess/dirt...even if it is not awful...just makes me cringe. I hate living in someone elses house too. I feel like a constant visitor that can't leave. I feel, again as I did as a child. Like I have no place in this world that is just mine. So...I found an inexpensive, nice apartment that I decided I was going to rent and am planning to move in about three weeks. My landlord/room mate is in L.A. on business and will be back tomorrow morning. I know it's not fair for me to move in and out within a month...but I need to get out of here. I hate it here and it's very uncomfortable for me. Soooooo, I applied for the apartment on Friday, thinking I could speak with my room mate when she got home from her trip. Well....the rental agency called her yesterday for a reference.......  She sent me a text message asking me what to say...I told her to tell them I had only been with her for a short time and then tell them whatever she thought was appropriate. She then proceeded to text me about 5 times and call and leave a frantic voicemail on my phone. I apologized for her finding out that way and let her know that I had wanted to speak with her first...but now she's pissed!! I can understand why....I am just scared now because I do not want conflict with this person. I wasn't expecting it to be this hard for me to be someone elses room mate....in someone elses house. I hate it. But now I am feeling very guilty for needing to move. I didn't expect this!! It wasn't in the plan....but I don't know who is right here? Should I feel like a biotch for moving in and moving out so soon....or should I feel like it shouldn't bother me. We never signed a lease or agreement for how long I'd stay. I just don't know. All I do know is as guilty as I feel....I need to get out of here. It's been reeking havoc on my anxiety. I'm beginning to think they are spying on me and getting into my things. I can't prove it...but little things are starting to happen. It's probably just me moving things around. I do this some times...and I am probably just focusing on it more now because I feel like I am trapped in a place where I can not be who I am. I miss my privacy!!  I long for it!!Am I the worst person ever....or do I have a right to get myself to a place where I can live comfortably?
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#2
Oct 26, 2009, 02:34 AM
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First, you're not a horrible person. Not even a little bad. It isn't like you're skipping out on paying rent; you've just decided that living situation isn't for you, and you took immediate steps to remedy it. You shouldn't live in an uncomfortable situation any longer than you have to, and while it may be inconvenient for your roommate, you haven't done anything unforgivable or wrong. You've got three weeks yet, so it's not like you're running out one night and leaving her in the lurch.
You might offer to try to help her get a new roommate, if that's what she wants. Place an ad or two, meet with someone and help your roomie find someone who might fit in with her. Contrary to what some might think, I don't care for conflict with people in general, either. I understand why that bothers you, but try not to feel guilty, because you really didn't do anything wrong. 
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Maven If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream. Equal Rights Are Not Special Rights  |
 Elysium
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#3
Oct 26, 2009, 06:32 AM
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I agree, I don't think you've done anything wrong, either. It's not like you planned for this to happen. And IMO honesty will serve you best. When the opportunity arrises, tell her that you realized that you thought you would be OK with the arrangement and, to your surprise, you found it uncomfortable, not because of her in any way, but because of you and your history. I would think that she would understand the need for a place of your own.
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 Vickie
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#4
Oct 26, 2009, 06:34 AM
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The important thing is to congratulate you on your new place. In a few days, all this unpleasantness will be over. So, congratulations, I'm happy for you!
 I relate to everything you said. I'm not exactly a neat freak but go all Howard Hughes when it comes to other people's germs. And to live as a permanent guest in someone else's home: ghastly situation! Some people are more outgoing and less territorial than we are and could make the housemate situation work. Some of us, on the other hand, would be clinically insane within a month. Good for you for doing the responsible thing and taking care of yourself, I say! Like you, I sometimes have an obsessive horror of hurting someone else's feelings. I will often take the easy route and sacrifice my own comfort before I will openly confront or hurt someone else. Especially if that person has been nice to me, like it sounds like she's been to you. Sorry she's pissed right now, but still. Hooray for you! Some animals share space well, some do not. It doesn't mean that anything's wrong with you. Sorry the landlady got her feelings hurt, but she sounds like an OK person who deserves a more willing roommate, as opposed to an unwilling one like you. So feel good for her too. Now maybe she'll get the tenant she's 'meant' to have! And enjoy your new lair! Mike
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#5
Oct 26, 2009, 12:18 PM
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Of course you have a right to live in a place where you will be comfortable! It's unfortunate how this situation has played out, but this woman has no one to blame but herself. If the amount of time you're living there is an issues, she should have had a rental agreement/lease.
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I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children. |
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#6
Oct 26, 2009, 02:15 PM
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Hi Elysium,
I was in a similar situation a few months back when my husband had open-heart surgery. I stayed with an acquaintance from my former church, so I could be close to the hospital and visit often. This lady's house was beautifully decorated, and she kept everything just so. Even though I had the whole downstairs to myself, it felt strange. I was glad to get home. You can just say to the lady in your situation, that you are sorry for any inconvenience this has caused her, but you have discovered that you need to be in your own place. EJ Quote:
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#7
Oct 26, 2009, 02:42 PM
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((((((( Elysium )))))))
There is no doubt you have the right to live where you feel most comfortable. We don't always know how things will work out until we try them. So, you've given it a try and it's not for you. No worries about that. Could it be that your roommate was caught by surprise and is now having to scramble to start the process all over again of finding another roommate..so that's why she's a bit miffed about this? I think if you give her a bit of time, she will settle down and by explaining that you are having trouble with not living alone.....she will be ok with it all. (and if not......to heck with her...stuff happens ya know?) Did you and her have a verbal agreement to time, expenses and rent? If there was a meeting of the minds on a verbal agreement, that may be strong enough to hold up in court. If there was no implied time of rent, then you are able to leave whenever. Also, were you paying weekly or monthly? If weekly, you only need to give a weeks notice, monthly, a months notice and so forth. (at least I'm pretty sure that's how it goes) I'm sorry this didn't work for you, I know you were looking forward to this new experience. I wish you much joy in your new new home  
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#8
Oct 26, 2009, 03:07 PM
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((((((((Elysium)))))))) You are not the worst person ever. You are simply a regular human being. I often think I can do things that I then find out is causing me mental health stress. You inconvenienced this person by your move in and out so fast. But this is not something you did intentionally and if she rents rooms regularly I would think she has run into this before. She shouldn't be laying a big guilt trip on you. If she is, do NOT let her. She is wrong.
It's understandable for her to be a bit irritable, but that's it. And there is nothing you can do about how she CHOOSES to feel or deal with it. You need to do what is right for you and try hard not feel guilty about it. You miscalculated. That's not a big deal. Take care of yourself and please let us know how you are getting through this time. 
__________________
 I'd rather have a visit, note or pretty picture than an "I'll say a prayer" or a "god bless you." Doesn't make me feel better, no meaning to me for sure. Can't stop you from praying and blessing me, and if that makes you feel better feel free. But keep it to yourself please, don't tell me. And let's all respect each other's feelings. With kindness, support and "sweet dreamings." 
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#9
Oct 26, 2009, 11:38 PM
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Thanks to all who read and/or responded.
 I wish I can say it got better today...but it didn't. I feel more retchid now than before.  My room mate came home today...we finally got a chance to talk this afternoon about things. I tried so hard to explain that it wasn't her and that it was my issue. I apologized and I let her know that I didn't plan this. She started to cry. She started going on about how she couldn't pay her bills now and how things were going to get shut off and that she always gets screwed by people. Again...I told her I didn't realize it was going to be this hard. I don't know what to do. I'm barely holding my own head above water financially and having a difficult time just looking after me. All of the sudden I have the guilt of putting her in a bad position financially. I feel like I have to stick around now in order to keep her afloat. I can't do that though. I can't take on her issues when I can barely take care of my own. I can't be responsible for keeping her electricity on. I am doing my best to give her money when I get it so that I can pay the rent to her...but ultimately her stuff has to be her stuff. I did not sign up to be responsible for keeping her life in balance. Even still....I feel like crap. I am afraid to talk to her now because I feel like I'm going to lose it and just turn into a puddle of tears myself. Sometimes I just wish I had someone who I could just go to...just to sit and be with them. To know someone was there. Right now there is no one....and I am really having a difficult time tolerating myself at the moment.... 
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#10
Oct 27, 2009, 12:08 AM
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Awww Elysium,
You could never know what was going to happen. Some people can share places with others and it turns out great. But it hasn't and you really do need your own space. I shared with two different people for months. I have lost them both as friends. The second one kicked me out (we were friends) but she couldn't share space. The thought of sharing space now just makes me feel creepy. Sometimes in life we learn things about ourselves the hard way. Maybe you could offer to help find your friend to another flatmate like Maven said. Don't take the guilt trip hun. If she is doing this now, imagine what she would be like if you stayed with her over other little things that may crop up??  You are only responsible for your life. She is responsible for this long standing mess she has gotten herself into. Take care hun |
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#11
Oct 27, 2009, 05:00 AM
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Quote:
Do what you want, if you have the fortune. If you don't have the fortune you may want to consider the consequences. I've been living with the same kind of irritability you expressed in this post since I was booted from my home at 18 and deemed intolerable by my parents. This was ten tears ago; 22 jobs ago; 13 moves ago- would you hire me? would you rent an apartment to me? I hit rock bottom on my last episode, I lost my job and a month later I was homeless, living in my car for three months till my family decided to let me in. Your not a bad person, and you are being recorded, I'm not going to lie, Your reputation is being documented just the same as mine and everyone elses. I hope you dont feel I am putting you down because I am not. I am just sharing some brutal truths about our culture that I have experienced. But like I said, if you have the fortunes, do what you want. |
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#12
Oct 27, 2009, 07:32 AM
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This woman needs to protect herself by having a rental agreement. You're right, her stuff is her stuff and she needs to deal with her stuff a bit more professionally than she's doing now.
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I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children. |
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#13
Oct 27, 2009, 11:41 AM
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 Elysuim We are here, I am here, to just be with you and support you. You aren't alone. You are a very empathetic person, so this whole situation is terribly hard on you. But you need to take care of yourself, just like your landlord needs to find ways to take care of herself. She is not your problem. Although I know how much you feel like you would love to help her - I feel that way too just hearing about her. But that is just not possible and we have to accept that. If you could help her you would, just as I would. I think you will feel much, MUCH better once you are out of this situation. You are in a very difficult spot. But none of this is your fault. Keep affirming yourself. Keep reminding yourself this is only a temporary situation. Keep posting here so we can support you.
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I'd rather have a visit, note or pretty picture than an "I'll say a prayer" or a "god bless you." Doesn't make me feel better, no meaning to me for sure. Can't stop you from praying and blessing me, and if that makes you feel better feel free. But keep it to yourself please, don't tell me. And let's all respect each other's feelings. With kindness, support and "sweet dreamings."
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#14
Oct 27, 2009, 12:32 PM
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Quote:
Good luck. |
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#15
Oct 27, 2009, 12:53 PM
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The guilt FEELING is just a TOOL to get us to look at our behavior and make sure we aren't doing anything deliberately that might hurt ourselves or another. You are not responsible for her financial difficulties! She had a space to rent and you rented it in good faith, thinking it would work fine but found out by EXPERIENCE that that wasn't so. It's a learning experience for both of you.
I would apologize for submitting the apartment rental application before you talked to her but I think that is the only thing you are responsible for, using her as a reference without telling her you were doing so. Maybe there is some way you can help her look for a replacement renter? Can you afford to move out a litter slower and pay her an extra week's rent, anything like that? Normally, in a formal rental situation one gives 30 days notice of moving. But I would try not to feel badly about what cannot now be changed; see if you can think of way(s) to help her in the immediate future and move on. I think action would help both of you and your bad/sad feelings.
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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