[Porcelain_doll_2004]

**There are things in this that could trigger please take your own safety in mind**

I feel like I am nothing but selfish, useless, and just self centered person who doesn’t do enough for others. I feel like I am nothing but a bother to everyone and how I feel like people think all I do is complain and don’t help enough.
As for my eating, I am feeling weak and lost. I am trying to eat but I feel like I don’t deserve to eat at all. I am trying to learn that it is a have to. I am at times going a day without food and I know I shouldn’t. I know that I need to eat. There are other days I am able to eat alright. I am working on it. I am shaky a lot of the time, and there are many times that I am very dizzy. There are times where I will be perfectly fine and within seconds feel like the world is spinning. I am grateful to be teaching because at least the days that I see the students I eat some. My struggle is nights, or days off, or non student contact days, or weekends. There are many times day and night where my whole chest is just pounding. I don’t know if it is anxiety or if it is something related to my Eating.
Self image- this is not going well. I am trying to see myself in a more positive note, but all I am doing is making things worse I am afraid. I still very much hate how I look and how I feel. I am going to keep trying to fight but I just don’t know how.
As for anxiety, this has been a big concern of mine lately. I am having regular panic attacks. Most are small but if I go a day without a big panic attack we are doing good. I have been losing more and more time in life due to the fact that I just freak out and can’t handle so others have to take over. I don’t mean for this to happen. I am losing sleep due to the anxiety. I am also struggling to focus on anything around me for more then a few minutes before I panic.
Depression- this is also back in full force. I am back to hiding out and feeling very lonely and feeling like I don’t belong anywhere. I am refusing to see or really talk to my friends, instead I just hide in my apt and try to ignore that the world is going on around me. I feel like I am totally lost and am slowly being forgotten about. I know something does not feel right but I don’t know what it is and I don’t know how to turn things around.
As for self injury- I am not cutting anymore and haven’t in months. Now I am still doing some behaviors but none as bad as cutting but I am working out it.
School- I am working full time and love my job it is a hard job but I love the kids and I love what I do. But I am also taking 2 masters classes and I am just burned out and not dealing with school well this semester. I am doing well in the classes but it is just taking all of the little energy that I have out of me.
Sleep- As I have said this is iffy. I will go days with very little sleep then I will have times where all I want to do is sleep. I am so far from having a normal sleep schedule that I am not sure what to do there.
Other- I am losing a lot of time, sometimes days. I am still not too accepting of having others with me but I am learning to handle it slowly. My head gets sooo loud at times I just want to yell or hide away. I feel like I am not me and a lot of the time I feel like I am just watching the world go by. There is so much I want to say here but I am soo scared.
Some of the things that scare me are the times where I wake up talking to animals like unicorns or fairies. These are part of my safe world in my head but to wake up talking to them is getting a little odd. I know this is pretty normal for things going on in my head but it is scary. The flashbacks and nightmares are really starting to get to me.
Sensory issues- these are getting worse. I am becoming very sensitive to touch and to different textures.

I am lucky that I have an online T that is very understanding and very calm about things. She waits for me to be ready and only pushes as far as she thinks that I can make it safely. She is there for me a lot.

I feel there is sooo much to be said and not enough time to say it all.
So for now I will stop babbling.
Thanks for reading, if you have any suggestions PLEASE let me know I feel I am at the end of the line.

Doll

[Puffyprue]

(((((((((((((((((doll))))))))))))))
i dont have any sugestion but iam here for you
sending you bunch of hugs ...

[Sabrina]

I am sorry that life is so hard for you right now. Sending you some strength. (((Porcelain Doll)))

[Maven]

Life can really be hard sometimes. I really hope your feelings and situations improve soon.

[Ratanddragon]

Doll, if you give in to this, you will be missed. Heck, I'm usually nowhere near the same threads you are on and you responded to a kudos for me a few weeks ago....thank you. I think you are bigger than this. I pray that you believe this too.

[Hunny]

Doll, You are stronger than you realize and you do so much, not to invalidate what you wrote, because that is what you are feeling and it is important too. You stated things so well and you said you have more to say and so maybe just go ahead and say what you need to say. It may help you, but in any case, just know that I care lots and lots.

[LivingMiracle]

Acceptance is key here with littles. I learned that the hard way and the sooner I did the better it got. Although it still is very loud and losing time is no fun. When it gets loud can you play soothing music and maybe grab a stuffed animal and hug it for me minute? It helps me a little.
Just know that you are deeply cared for by everyone here and we all are rooting for ya to keep on going.

(((Doll)))
Aren't you a dancer? Dancers know about hard work, dedication and strong will. You have all of those things. I need to think of a better response but for now, we have faith in you. You are a strong capable woman and we love you.

I don't mean to invalidate anything you feel, because I understand those kind of feelings all too well.
I think something similar is hapening here. The sensory thing is bad with me too. The T said it's a type of sensory overload and it can be stress induced.

[tigersassy]

((((((((((((((((((((((((doll)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Miracle1986]

(((((Doll)))))
Our PM box is always open to you.

[susan888]

(((Doll)))
I am so sorry you are having a hard time! Sending you positive thoughts and please know that you are so valued here!! Be good to yourself because you are caring, sensitive, understanding and just....simply wonderful!!!

Much love to you,
Susan

[notz]

Doll,

I hope you can be as loving to yourself as you are to the children you teach. They are very lucky to have you as their teacher. You are a thoughtful, loving person and I'm sure those kids feel that about you every day.

I've seen your pictures and I think you're cute!

Much love to you, sweet one.

[Porcelain_doll_2004]

Thanks everyone. I will try to get more of an Update going a lot has changed, not all for the good. I wish it were that way. I will try to post more here soon.

Thanks for all of your kind words they help me a lot. More than anyone really understands.

Doll

Originally Posted by Porcelain_doll_2004

Thanks everyone. I will try to get more of an Update going a lot has changed, not all for the good. I wish it were that way. I will try to post more here soon.

Thanks for all of your kind words they help me a lot. More than anyone really understands.

Doll

Hi Doll,
Not sure where to relpy . Guess here is just fine.

I do not have DID. I do relate to the feelings of overwhelm. I am feeling coming from your post. I feel selfish when I have to protect myself. Many times I don't reply or respond back to posts . I don't answer the phone in real life . I don't call people back . I have to opperate in a tunnel to conserve energy so I miss out on responding to others . I pick it all up and process it later.

I am more and more saying this is okay for me to do this and not beat myself up.
I feel irresponsible . Like Im hurting others . I don't mean to I need to protect my energy my emotions . create more calm .

anything you do will be okay . hopefully others in your life wil respect the space you need.

Im typing these wishes for myself . And I hope they speack to you.
Its okay to give to yourself

you come first, The food will follow,

Ive been watching the movie center stage the past couple of nights.



Patricia

[Trying & Caring]

I could relate to your post very well. All my best to you...

See I can't even get the icon in the right place!

[Crew]

((((((((((((((Dolll))))))))))))))))))))) First of all!!!

I think you are doing an incrediable job and even though you feel you've
got to much on your plate....

Well what we do and what we love and the ups and the downs and then anxiety and the trying times you are thriving...that you want to do and help people here and all around your lives but pormise you'll take care of
yourselves...

Becasue there is only one YOU here on PyschCentral and if your as much help you are here you are also of help to those children but we don't get to and the children don't get to, (ourside and inside ) and that is YOU Doll....

You will go on and make it because not only are you a survivor but a thrivor...
oh and drink those proteins then.

Keep getting those feelings and words out, seemed like a long time coming, ya know?
Thacrew

[garden]

It seems you are giving as much as you can now and when you're ready to take on more you will with zeal. Taking on more may mean giving that gift to yourself while others wait. It will come.

I'm curious about an online T. Can you direct me to those?