[DfendrOfEmilysHeart]

Does anyone else here have a dark side ? Something inside you that takes over when u feel threatened ? Something that makes you almost wild, like you can't stop yourself from attacking ?

Is it better for me to simply be on my own, like I was meant to be in school ?

[No_longer_sane]

I feel like that all the time. Since Ive become depressed and discovered all these problems I have, Ive become ultra-sensitive to people getting hurt and stuff, but when I get angry, I feel so angry, and I hate feeling anger, and I hate hating stuff (lol) and I feel so bad afterwards, I have to leave the room when I get angry before I do something Ill regret. And When you feel angry, just leave the room and calm down, or just move away from whoever is making you angry so you can get yourself together. Take care x

[Shangrala]

This may sound irrelevant, but it's not...bear with me...lol.
I believe that everyone has a 'trump' card in life. One chance for making a horrible mistake that otherwise wouldn't be made under "normal" conditions. I made that mistake about 25 years ago.

I was in my mid 20's. I met a young man who I found absolutely facinating. I was mesmerized over how "different" he really was. We began a romance. It continued for a few months until he began to show his true traits, which I had no idea were there. By the time I realized that this man was major trouble, I was involved too deep.
It turned out that he was a Manic Depressive/Psychopath (and back then it was not as understood or treated as well as it is today) .
At any rate, his behavior was out of conrol. Apparently he was supposed to be taking Lithium to stabilize his chemical imbalance in brain & extreme mood swings, but he didn't take it. Instead, he used street drugs, which only aggrivated his disorder.
(Back then, I not only had no idea that these disorders even existed, but no way of knowing how to deal with a person seriously suffering from them).
I was working in L.A. at the time (I lived in Nevada), and commuted twice a month that distance. Stayed down there for 2 weeks at a time. i guess he was threatened by my absense...who the hell knows. He was unemployed. The very last time I left for my commute to L.A., he forewarned me that if I leave, I wouldn't have a home to come home to. I disregarded the seriousness of his threat and went anyway.
When I returned I discovered that he followed throught with his threat. He destroyed everything within my home...from the living plants to every appliance, hammer thru t.v., stereo completely smashed, furniture ripped apart with cushion filling everywhere, used motor oil poured all over my entire wardrobe which was covering the entire house floors mixed in with the uprooted plant soil, walls demolished (various tools, knives...whatever he could manage to pierce the walls with..he used). He decapitated my cat's head, left the remains for me to find among the disaster on the floor, all dishes broken, front of stove ripped off of hinges, food out of cupboards and refridgerator..destroyed and disbursed throughout, inside of fridge destroyed, photo albums & cherished pictures on walls burned in the middle of the room. What he could no longer destroy inside the house he took outside to finish off on my front lawn.
You name it, he destroyed it.

Well, needless to say....I snapped. (Although, I hadn't realized I had at that time as it was so subtle). I calmly left the house. Closed the door and locked it (lol...what the hell for, I'll never know as there was nothing to steal...but shows where my mind was at..or NOT at). I got into my car and began searching for this man. I found him walking down the street, heading toward the direction of my home, and without giving it a second thought....I sped up in his direction and ran him over, proceeded a few feet then stopped.
What surprised me was, as I looked in my rear view mirror I saw him standing back up and begin to chase me. This man was....insane.
I proceeded to the police department. Reported what had happened. I was not charged for anything. They say that I acted out of self defense and simply wasn't in my "right" frame of mind....guess that measns I must have been in my "left" one, then.
He was arrested and convicted for several other charges (from his past which I had no idea about).
Turns out...many years later that he was charged for murder of a man. Beat him to death with a baseball bat (over a drug deal gone bad). Sentenced to death.

So, yes, I HAVE discovered that I, too, have a dark side that I never had any idea existed. That rage within me offered me a sense of power that I NEVER knew was in me. And although it was one hell of a rush and I know it exists within me, I hope to God that I never have to experience that again.

Shangrala

[skyliner]

I tend to think the rage is a biological drive that is roused when I need to self-defend. The question is, what am I defending against? What is the threat? Which part of me is being threatened?
For me, there are real-life triggers and there are 'transference' triggers. I'm interested in hearing what are the incidents that set off this ferocious tiger, the wild side.

And to Shangrala,
To have this rage against a man who just destroyed your life, is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. It's a good thing you had the right mind to go to the police station.

[lonegael]

I have a great deal of rage that can come up when I am threatened or manic. I hurt another child very badly during one of these moments when I was five. My intent was to cause serious damage. I remember the whole thing.
Was it excusable? NO. did anyone try to understand why I developed that rage in the first place? Absolutely not. Did anyone take seriously that a child can feel humiliation and emotional pain so deeply? Are you kidding?
I was highly allergic to animals a a child, and I didn't even have a fish as a pet. I collected bugs and other little beasties out in the yard, made little homes for them in boxes, and called them my pets. My brother and his friend got bored one day, and got creative. My brother held me so I could neither interfere or run away and made me watch while his friend poured salt on my snails.
When they let me go, I went back to the house, got my mom's garndening tool with the long spikes, calmly returned and let the friend have it in the head twice before he
could get away (he was five years older than I).
It's scary even writing it. I remember my mother telling me the kid should have gotten a medal for killing the snails. What no one seemd to care about was that this was a very sadistic thing to do in the first place, whether it was snails or rats or puppies. The intent was pretty danged bad. I remembered thinking that there wasn't any point going to an adult anyway. They would just tell me that no one was actually hurt.
Don't worry, I get really mad still but I haven't been chasing anyone around with gardening tools lately, or cooking implements, or brooms, or even a vacuum cleaner
But I do know there is a very dangerous shadow there, and it starts to stir if I feel like something I love is threatened.

[lonegael]

Also, apologies. I shouldhave marked the above with the trigger marker and I see it is too late now. I'm sorry that ws so because i realize that htis is heavy, scary stuff. I won't make that mistake again! Huggs

[Rhapsody]

I think we all have that "the good and bad" that can be found in us all - and as the old saying goes... it is the one you feed the most that grows.