Obsession/Fixation - trigger?

Big dilemma (maybe a trigger?)

I have a friend from my other online forum (for SO's of depressed people) who just had her heart broken and is talking suicide. She lives 3000 miles away so I can't do a whole lot from here except phone and email (and I'm actually kind of nervous about giving her my phone number, so I haven't done so yet).

Some facts:
- she's 56 years old
- former Woodstock hippie and band groupie
- had sex with a rock star when she was 18
- "loved him with all her heart" for the next 30 years
- reunited with him, somehow, 2 years ago
- he lives in another region, so when he visits her city, he always stays with her
- he has never kissed or had sex with her since reuniting
- he has never promised her anything more than friends
- she has been talking for 2 years how she is going to talk him into marrying her so that he can continue his music and she will support him
- and now, she has learned that he has a new girlfriend and while he has been kind to her since then, he's getting really uncomfortable because she is so devastated and distraught over it

My dilemma is that she talks suicide in once sentence, because "there is no one left to trust" (which, I think we all can agree that she invented the relationship to begin with as he doesn't seem to have led her on, from her account). Yet in the next sentence, she goes on to say how she needs to make him "see the light" and "open his eyes" and "he just has a fear of commitment". I know that it's hard to accept rejection, but she's still entertaining fantasies of them forming a romantic relationship.

My fear is that she is obsessed and fixated on him, Glenn Close-style. If she can't have him, nobody will. That kind of thing. She won't seek medical attention on her own (she had been locked up in a psych ward in the past and don't want to risk it happening again) and isn't interested in trying medication. I am thinking about sending her a gift certificate to some yoga classes to hopefully get her to relax and clear her mind a little.

I looked through the Resource Directory and Disorders sections of the PC site and she doesn't fit OCD, although she does seem obsessed and fixated on this rock star dude. Classic groupie. Does anyone know what I can do to research ways to help her? I can't even think of any good keywords to Google.

Thanks all,
LMo

Um, yes. PUSH LIKE H--L to get her to go to a therapist about this. You don't have the skills/qualifications to deal this, so please don't take it on. That will NOT be good for either one of you. She's obviously got some serious issues with reality, among other things. She really needs some help Poor woman.

Also, do you have contact info on this person?

I have more to say, but it's confidential info so I'm keeping it to pms, k hon? Check pms

LMo have you tried the stalking info? That fits much of it I think... http://www.antistalking.com/

I do understand a bit about if all else fails, suicide will bail me out type thinking...

It's tough -- I want to contact her son to get him involved because I can't do anything from here other than be supportive. I have asked her for her address and if it gets any more involved, I will call the police or find a mobile crisis unit in her area and send them to her house. I don't want her to carry out her, um, plans.

If she wasn't talking suicide, then I could let it go. But once she said that, I feel some responsibility to stand by her until she gets the help she needs. I probably shouldn't take it on -- you're right -- but I don't know how to without living with a lot of guilt.

I'll check the link, Sky -- thanks so much!

If and when she gets to the point of being a danger to herself...or if she gets to where she is going to take him out with her... then IMO you should consider contacting the authorities. It's ok to report such concerns, and let them investigate to see if it's a real threat or not. We can act innocent (we are) like we don't know and wish someone to be sure...?

Sky - thanks again for the link to that site. She's not quite qualifying as a stalker as it doesn't sound like she's getting out of the house. But, she does seem increasingly suicidal. The site had a link to a free mental health clinic hotline in her city, so I'm calling them now. Thanks again,
LMo

LMo- sounds like she gave you a taste of what obsession feels like by putting her thoughts to you so you can empathize. Sometimes the only communication we have when we feel "crazy" is to drive someone else crazy too.
if you must do something how about notify the webmaster of the danger to others she might pose- then let them handle cleaning their own house-
then I'd shore up your boundaries maybe for your own comfort cause she got way too cozy in your head it seems- so put her out like you would anything thats not housebroken and leaning on you for nourishment.
FBI has online reporting of online weirdos that you can make a complaint - in VA but its not anonymous- you have to tell who you are. So give it to the sites webmaster imho and step away from the plate.

Really? This is interesting -- do most of you think I should back away from her? You don't see that as abandoning a friend?

Spot on advice KA!! LMo.....Kathyanita was able to convey what I had been thinking when I read this post: check yourself! It is kind that you have concern about this person but the practicalities of what you can do and what you are willing to do need to be addressed first.

Please let us know what course of action you chose. I hope through available avenues you have already you can report your concerns and also take care of your own needs. Good luck!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Really? This is interesting -- do most of you think I should back away from her? You don't see that as abandoning a friend?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Not at all. If anything it appears dangerous ground for you with the level of uncertainty and her own inability to gauge how ill she may be (I'm not going to armchair dx her based on this info presented but your picture you draw is a bit scary and one that seems to be far larger and more complex than you may think)

I think if anything by relaying these concerns to appropriate sources you're doing the most responsible thing as a friend. You're taking care of yourself by not becoming overly involved in a situation that is beyond your control and appears to have many factors that aren't yet understood.

I know that might sound 'harsh' but watching ppl invest themselves in online relationships/friendships w/o the resources to ensure their own safety has taught me the limitations of what I can and cannot do for another.

Your heart is in the right place. Take care of you while addressing this with the help of others.

ok - makes sense - thanks for clarifying. I completely agree with what everyone has written here. You guys are great -- thanks again

Hi ((((LMo)))):

I wondered what 'drew' me to the site after so long. Hugs to you, because it sucks to be in the situ. you are in with your friend.

I would let her know that you care and are concerned, and refer her to www.suicidal.com for additional resources and help in coping with her suicidal feelings.

You can't be her T or the E.R., even if you weren't 3000 miles away.

As you may recall, I have had some experience with this particular issue, and I believe you have done and said everything that you can do and say.

Luv & respect, as always, Jill