[Renovation]

I'm in an odd place. I have a short-term income opportunity that could turn into the basis for a business but there is still a lot up in the air. It is the strangest feeling. I am working on a project that requires me to work out of the office of a very large company. It has all the trappings that big companies offer. Very nice office, company cafeteria, a coffee room on every floor. I even have a cubicle. But I feel like I am in this bizarro world. I see all of the signs of stability in this setting but it feels like a mirage because my other reality is that we are considering bankruptcy. Talk about polar opposite realities. I don't quite know what to think.

This morning I went into the office, got my cubicle organized and went to the coffee room and grabbed a cup of green tea. I can't begin to tell you how good that cup of green tea tasted. It made feel like, "Ok, this is what it feels like to have stability". But the reality is that I don't. This is a short-term project that has the possibility to be extended but there are no guarantees. And it will eventually end, whether it's 4 weeks from now or 4 months from now; and then what? We are in heavy credit card debt and our mortgage is way underwater. We have stopped making our mortgage and credit card payments because we need to conserve cash.

I am also worried that my financial situation will hurt my ability to improve my financial situation. This morning they had me fill out an application they have all contractors fill out. It included giving them authorization to check our credit history. We are behind on only a couple of credit cards but it's scary that there is a possibility even if it is a remote one that they will fire me. As I write this, I know this is an exaggeration on my part. Our credit history at this point is somewhere between "not bad" and "good enough". A month from now might be a different story.

My big fear is people finding out about our difficult financial situation. I can't help but think, "what would these people think of me if they knew my wife and I are considering bankruptcy?" I also am negotiating with a former group of colleagues to restart a business I had to close down last year. We started the discussion about 7 weeks ago and all sorts of complications have popped up, and they're super unresponsive and, frankly, incompetent. It has been a very frustrating experience. Again, referring to my bizarro world existence, restarting the company would be my dream but doing so now could complicate a bankruptcy filing. So much up in the air and some days I don't know if I'm coming or going.

We also live in a nice home. So my mind sees this and says, "oh look at this nice home in this beautiful neighborhood - things must be good". Then I go to my computer and fill out a questionnaire for a bankruptcy attorney to tell us whether or not we qualify for Chapter 7. It all feels so complicated and uncertain. I try to take it one day at a time and am taking good care of myself - I workout almost everyday and am eating healthy. I also am blessed to have a great wife and make sure to let her know how much I love her every day. I am genuinely looking for divine inspiration and intervention to help me muddle through this mess.

I am so appreciative for PC. It is so helpful to be able to express and organize my thoughts and send them out into the world without fear of reprisal and knowing that I am communicating with a community of other caring folks who are doing their best to deal with life's challenges.

God bless you all!

Thank you for sharing. May soon there be a resolution to the issues you face.

[sanityseeker]

All you can do is take it one day at a time. I have been following your story for a while and I can relate to much of what you are going through. Financial instability especially when you have been on top of things in the past is a scary place to be. You are doing remarkably well in spite of the obsticles and all the unknows you are facing. I am glad PC has provided you with a useful way to let some of the strain now and then. I feel the same way so I know what you mean.

I hit a slump in my business recently and the last couple of months have been very consumed with worry that had me on real roller coaster ride. Thanks to people here I have weathered the storm and even though little has happened to turn much around I feel surprisingly optomistic and hopeful. I came to realize if I spent the day worrying and making myself sick over it or if I pushed the worry aside either way the sun rose and set. My worry did nothing to change things but without worry I discovered energy to be creative and proactive in changing my reality. You have been part of that motivation. You have never given up doing something to move forward. You motivated me to think outside the box I was working from and explore options I thought I couldn't do. Eventually something will break as we continue to be present and available for opportunities to find us.

I know too about the credit check as a contractor. I just lost a big contract because I am not properly registered as a business. I have done many similar projects to this one for other clients and never has the absense of a business license been an issue. Perhaps other clients thought it was a given and just never checked but this new client was checking up front. It is just sloppy on my part and now I am paying the price for neglected the paperwork. Live and learn.

I know you will manage the worry about this just fine as you have all other worries that you have faced up to now but I get how it niggles at you. The alternate reality concept fits for me too. Appearances are deceiving hey. Just tells us how little we know about anyone behind any of the doors and under any of the business clothes that cover the truth about people. What matters always is how we conduct ourselves. You sound like someone of integrity and someone who takes pride in doing a job well. Those are the qualities your short term or long term clients appreciate the most. Even if they did learn you were in some financial distress at this time they will weigh it in the context of what you bring to the table in terms of job capacity and personal character.

Perhaps if this is worrying you too much you could run your own credit check to see exactly what they will learn so that you are aware prepared and not surprised and caught off guard. Have you had a professional look at your situation and provide advise on the best approach to resolving your financial situation before you decide about bankrupcy? It might be worth an outsiders opinion. Just a thought.

Wishing you well and congrats on the short term project. Its an open door that gets you through the next few months. That is something to take a breath of relief about. I live contract to contract and it is stressful. I sometimes envy those able to work full time with a stable income they can rely upon. At the same time I enjoy the freedom of being my own boss but when business is slow its difficult to keep the worry at bay.

[Renovation]

TheByz - thank you for the kind words.

SanitySeeker, thank you for sharing how you have dealt and are dealing with similar issues. The point you make about the sun coming up whether or not one worries is an important one.

I am trying to gather a lot of information and advice before we make a decision regarding the bankruptcy. I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, it is a legitimate vehicle designed to help people get a fresh start. On the other, it is a black mark that one carries with them for many years perhaps a lifetime. Having said this, there are many examples of prominent individuals who made a business decision to use bankruptcy. The banks act immorally. You try to negotiate and they tell you to take your business elsewhere. After awhile one can only take so much and must take advantage of whatever legitimate means there are to combat these villains.

It's not crystal clear. I'll gather the facts, try to get advice from trusted advisors and subject matter experts, weigh the options and make a decision. There are pros and cons as well as significant implications any way I go. I truly pray that God gives me the wisdom, clarity and courage to make the most appropriate decision for myself and my family.

Sorry to hear about your experience with the credit check. Thank you for the kind words and encouragement.

Also wishing you the best.

[sanityseeker]

Thanks Reno... one way or another things will work out. That is my faith so long as I do my best and maintain a right spirit in the process. If my intention are right than the outcomes will be right. I have had moments of giving up and feeling defeated but that sun keeps rising to a new day so eventually I find myself rising with new hope and determination too.

I know a little bit how difficult it is to be considering bankrupcy. I have a couple of friends who went through it and it was very trying indeed. But for grace I could well find myself there too but so far I have been able to hold it off for now.

I think it is important that you do your best to keep your pride in check through the process of deciding what is best for you and your family. Try to make the decision without considering how it makes you feel but keep regarding it as a necessary business decision. Secondly try not to villanize the banks or anyone else to justify your decision. It may well be justified but again it is a pride reaction I think and will not really be very satisfying. If pride is out of the equation a villian will not be required. It is what it is. Circumstances are what they are. No need for guilt or pointing fingers. Those emotionally charged ideas just make you a victim and victims get zapped of energy very quickly.

You are wise and strong and able to do what has to be done one way or another. You are taking it slow and that is probably the wisest thing you are do above all else. Don't let it get you down because the day will come when this is all history and you will be in a better place looking back. Visualize what you want to look back at when this is all said and done and behave your way into that place.

You are a good man and your intentions are honourable. Nothing more can be asked or expected of you. Keep the faith and you will know the next step you need to take in time to take it. It works that way.

Thank you too for your support and encouragement. It is strenghtening somehow to know we are not alone. Gives hope that many others have been where we are and have survived and thrived. So shall we.

[Renovation]

Thank you, SS! Excellent advice that I will take to heart. You are right that taking anger out of the equation and stopping thinking about the banks as villains will help me see things more clearly and with less anguish.

All the best!

[sanityseeker]

Liberating and self empowering isn't it. Villianizing can be such a distraction. Leaves a bad after taste. Good luck.