[little*rhino]

maybe this is the wrong forum... the forum police may shoot me onsight if need be.

i'm working so hard to make it... but life has been throwing me random curve balls over the past several months and i am so worn down. Medical issues have me in a bad position and now i am financially near homelessness. It's mostly been out of my hands and i have struggled to re-build my life after the train wreck of an existence with my abusive ex. i made it through a year and a half almost on just $7K and some credit, patched along with some jobs i've managed to get.

things had been improving very slowly and i was beginning to build some confidence in being able to do this... my ex wouldn't allow me to have a job or have any say over our money. He doesn't give me any support even though he makes a huge salary and i have a physical disability. It was not worth my sanity to attempt to force him to give me anything. He has NPD and it's like a sort of soul cancer to be in contact with him.

i cannot survive on disability pension and i have ambitions. i refuse to let my limitations dictate my future. If people who are paraplegic can hold jobs then so can i. Living in the city isn't cheap though.

i was forced to give up the job i had because i am scheduled for major surgery. i'm able to do odd job things that aren't too big of a strain, but i can't work officially and still get the little bit of money i am supposed to get from unemployment insurance in the meantime.

i'm doing everything i can.. i think. i feel like luke warm poo and i'm just worn down. i did one of those life-event stress scale things and my score was over 400. i can't just rest either because doing so will mean homelessness.

i've sort of lost my mojo

i'm still in therapy and i am struggling to find ways to believe in myself. i've never had much by way of nurturing to build that. i have a long history of abuse and mistreatment to the point that i just never truly developed the ability to trust my own judgement or have a strong sense of belief in my own ability to make it. i'm really not good at all at positive self-talk.

needing encouragement...

[lynn P.]

I understand you don't want any contact with your abusive ex, but aren't you entitled to some support financially - a settlement of some kind? Good luck with your surgery and I really hope things improve. You have the inner strength. Perhaps you can find some help from this link:

http://www.nami.org/

[Junerain]

((((((((((little rhino)))))

If you what you need is to know what a hard working and good person you are- consider it said

I read your post- YOU ARE TRYING SOO HARD

I, too, was abused needlessly, and I, too, lacked self esteem..

until I began to make good and true friends who saw in me all the things my family was blind to..

good things...

I feel you have many, many good things to offer as well..

How are your friendships?

mentors? aunts and uncles? do have people that tell you you sure are trying hard!!!

What about your own opinion of yourself..

I know you wrote you cannot grasp and/or trust what your very own thoughts are, sometimes..

But say you were to read your post....and you did not know who the author was...

THEN would you pat yourself on the back, and say wow you are amazing, little rhino

Are you divorced from your ex?

[little*rhino]

thanks guys... i appreciate this very much.

no.. my "support" network is pretty flimsy really... im not close to any family even though i have regular and frequent contact. The abuse didn't come from them but i am not really close with them.

it's frustrating not being allowed to even do an hour or two of odd jobs to buy a real vegetable instead of cheap canned vegetable soup... i don't like feeling powerless but my hands are tied

yes, we are divorced... completely. There isn't enough money in the world to have been worth that. If he had felt i didn't deserve anything he would have quit his job rather than give me anything. He would have done anything to keep some grip on my life. Legally he was obligated to give me quite a lot, but it would have been a never-ending nightmare.

[Junerain]

Could you volunteer, little rhino?

It could cut away at that knawing 'powerless..' feeling, you could really make a difference


What kinds of things could you join to work (slowly) on building a support network, true friends?

[sanityseeker]

little rhino... I can so relate to the stress you are under trying to secure a living for yourself. It is really hard to believe in yourself when that kind of pressure is chocking you.

I can also relate to avoiding unfair fights and opted to go it alone rather than battling your ex for your fair share. Its self protecting the last fragments of the string that keeps you on your feet.

I have had more than my share of meltdowns from the strain of coping with the random curve balls life has thrown my way. I get so overwhelmed that I crumble under the pressure but eventually I pick myself up and step up to that plate again and again.

I give myself credit as should you for staying in the game. I give myself credit as should you for determining to find a way even in the dark. I give myself credit as should you for surviving the worst of times in my life and still being here making my way to a better life. I give myself credit and so should you for reaching out for support and encouragement when my resources are low. I give myself credit and so should you for doing everything I can think to do. I give myself credit and so should you for not giving up.

There is much you can give yourself credit for and that is self affirming and positive thinking at its most effective. It is concrete and based on facts. Its not pie in the sky hopes and wishes but solid evidence that you can make the most of the worst of circumstances because you have done just that.

Give yourself credit and give yourself a break. Acknowledge your accomplishments to date. We don't often notice them because they seem so small in their moment. They are major actually. They are the fuel to keep the engine of hope moving us forward.

You are doing everything you can think of to try to make money and even though the dribbles are small there are dribbles coming as a result of your effort. You know your effort pays off so its worth it to keep working it.

Balance that effort with taking care of yourself. Treating yourself with kindness.

Hope you are feeling better.

Wishing you the best, little*rhino.

[googley]

(((((((little rhino))))))))