[Elysium]

This is a spin off thread from "Echoes" thread entitled "Dependent Adult Children". I read the article she posted and it reminded me so much of what is happening in my family, just a little bit differently.

In my case it was backwards and a bit more warped.

I'm in my early 30's now, but started working when I was 15. Senior year of High School I was working 24 hours a week, going to school during the day and attending night school to get my EMT's license. I feel like I've never really had a break.

Fast forward to the last few years. My Mother and Stepfather got divorced and my Mother couldn't afford to live on her own. I was struggling with my MI at the time and Mom said "how 'bout I come stay for a bit and help you out financially and around the house?" At that moment, it was a nice thing. Eventually, after a month we made a verbal contract for her to get a job and pay rent and to pay half of the car gas bill since she didn't have one and was sharing mine. She agreed...but never followed through. She didn't look for work, I'd come home every day and she'd be laying on the couch with her feet up, snacking and watching her cooking shows or animal shows.

It was then I realized that this had been her plan all along. This was the same scam she had run on my father and my stepfather, and now it was my turn.

It was the hardest thing for me to do, but it ended with me telling her she needed to get out and get her own place. It was very painful for both of us but I thought if I put some reality and responsibility on her shoulders she would rise to the challenge. Well...she didn't. I went to work one day, came home and she was gone. All of her stuff was still there, and her animals were still there, but she wasn't. I didn't hear from her for almost a month when I finally called her to see what her plan was and to find out when she'd be coming to get her things.

She told me that my Uncle bought her a plane ticket back to California and she had flown back that day we had our fight and I told her she needed to move on. She said she would see when she could have her stuff taken care of but that she couldn't have her animals where she was living. She said I could just take them to a shelter if I didn't want them.

This was almost two years ago. Since then...my 55 yr old Mother has been living in California with her 84 year old Mother. My Grandmother is still paying her own mortgage and is financially self sufficient. My Mother...she is living rent free, has access to my Grandmother's car and is not being encouraged to get up off her butt to become self sufficient. And my family says they're mad at me because I "kicked her out" and "you just don't do that to your family". I think they're more mad though because now she's their problem and not mine.

I think my Mother is planning on freeloading and taking advantage of my Grandmother until she dies so she can guilt my Grandmother into leaving her her house. It's really her only option if she is not going to become self sufficient. And why would she when she's gotten away with it for this long and the rest of the family seems more than happy to enable her.

The whole thing just pisses me off. It hurts too.

[lynn P.]

I think you did the right thing and I don't think your family should blame you at all. You said she's living with her grandmother - did you mean mother? That's not fair either and kind of scary thinking she's doing this, hoping she'll be left with the house. Has your mom collected welfare? Has she ever worked before? Don't let them make you feel guilty.

[Elysium]

LOL, Lynn...I meant her Mother, my Grandmother.

When my Mother divorced my Father, she was making over $2,000 a month from spousal/child support. She didn't go to work at that time, but just moved us into a big house we couldn't afford and then made us move two more times when she couldn't afford the places we were living in anymore.

Once I turned 18, she lost the child support and was only getting her spousal support which took her monthly income to about $800.00 dollars a month. At this point, she went out and got a part time evenings job that allowed her to earn the minimum of what she needed to be able to keep us afloat. I didn't move out right away because I was working but also going to school full time and she had said we could stay at home as long as we worked enough to support our own bills and pay for school ourselves. (We took out lots of school loans) Ultimately though the electric and phone kept getting shut off and we would always be the ones to step up and pay it so we wouldn't have to study by candlelight and use payphones.

While she was married to my Father she held down three jobs in 15 years...but only worked for about one year out of those 15. Upon marrying my Stepfather she didn't want to work, but they both started spending and living above their means and she ended up going to work part time and kept that job for four years. I don't think it was because she wanted to though. I think she had a plan. In Oregon, if you divorce someone before 10 years of marriage is up, then you are not likely to get any spousal support from them and you lose access to their Social Security benefits. Is it a coincidence that my Mother didn't file for divorce from him until they had been married for 10 years and she could use me as an out? All I see is that she wanted to sell their house to move closer to me (they lived an hour and a half away) because of my mental health issues at the time. My Stepdad didn't want to do that. This was my Mother's out. She used me. At least this is how it feels.

It's been a long life. But I'm learning how to move on from it and start my own. It's difficult to say the least...but I'm doing it.

The mind is capable of conjuring machinations of those who plot.