[BarbiGirl]

I know that I am not the same girl that I was. I do not believe that anyone could be after an experience like this. I believe I have cried more in this last year than in my entire life.

And yet…

I fear that I haven’t grown, haven’t changed, haven’t learned anything. I’m afraid that there is a terrible beast inside of me, lying dormant, waiting for the opportunity when I lose control of the reins once again and allow him control of my body. I’m afraid of myself, of what I now know I am capable of, and not capable of. I am afraid to trust myself. I’m afraid to venture out into the world again and try to pick up the pieces of my former life. Sharp as broken glass, I’m afraid that those shards of my former life will just cut me as I try to put them back together.
I’m so afraid that I haven’t changed.
What if I haven’t changed? What if I haven’t learned ANYTHING???

What then?

[possum220]

You know you best....... Ask yourself that question.

One thing you did learn was to release emotion and that's a good start in any bodys book.

Hello, BarbiGirl. Perhaps you have been grieving. Maybe now is the time to move on. Are you receiving professional help? You have a lot of anger and resentment to unload. Tell your therapist what is broken and systematically go about making the fixes.

Senior exsisto vobis.

[lynn P.]

"I’m so afraid that I haven’t changed.
What if I haven’t changed? What if I haven’t learned ANYTHING???"

Hi BarbiGirl - don't let these statements worry you. If you haven't changed and make a mistake again - you just keep going. Sometimes we need to fall and make mistakes until we learn. Believing in these statements will just hold you back. Forget about the 'what if's'. Best of luck and believe in yourself - it doesn't need to be perfect.

[Typo]

((((((Barbigirl)))))))

Sometimes instead of taking the shards of our former life and reconstructing them into what they once were, we need to take those and create something new with them, a fresh start, something that better represents the person we have become versus the person we once were

Be gentle with yourself, have patience, we all learn, grow, heal at our own pace

Best Wishes
Typo

How are you doing, BarbiGirl?

[BarbiGirl]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

How are you doing, BarbiGirl?

Wanting to go back to school, afraid to take that first step, afraid to apply, afraid they won't accept me. I hate listening to co-workers and friends talk about school, because I'm supposed to be there, I'm supposed to be almost done now. So much of my self-esteem is tied up in academic accomplishments, and now I can't even say I'm in school. At the moment I'm a career pee-on, and i hate it, and i'm afraid to get stuck here.

I had to move back in with my mother. I'm in the exact same position I was a year ago. Financially strapped, recovering from more bad decisions. I feel like I just keep failing at this "adult" gig. She sat me down the other day, wanting to voice her concerns about me and my boyfriend whom she doesn't like, and started the conversation out by reminding me of my 2 biggest screw-ups in my life to date. Just kind of rubbing my nose in it. I should have known better than to make those mistakes. And now I'm paying for it by having to live with her again.
Even in just the one week that i've been back "home" I can feel myself slipping back down into that hopeless depressed hole I was in last year. I can't seem to get out of her house, and I can't seem to be happy living there.

BarbiGirl, get some professional help and get busy. You can do it.