[jbug]

I can tell it is time for me to go home but it is all up to my doctor if I get to go home or not. I go see that doctor on Tuesday but I am scared he won't let me go home.

Anyway my mom and I are starting to butt heads. Thursday I was helping her set the table and we were having corn on the cob for one of our entrees and she said don't forget to put the butter on just as I had pulled it out of the fridge and then I was getting the corn thingys (the trays and corn skewers) and she tells me not to forget the skewers. I admit I had some attitude when I responded. But I get so tired of being told to not forget something as I am doing it or just not getting yet. It's like she expects me to forget to do something and it is making angry.

How would you handle it?

Jan

[Soul Quake]

Originally Posted by jbug

How would you handle it?

By shrugging it off, unless it's a common occurrence where those remarks are made in a condescending manner. And if that is the case, tell her thank you but you have everything taken care of.

My mother does the same thing. I ask her if she thinks I am an idiot or blind? She says you can never be too cautious.

So, I guess Moms will be Moms.

There was a commercial---a kid saying
"yeah mothers are like that---yeah they are"--I think it was a Bayer Aspirin for kids
commercial..............
j-bug-----when I would open my mouth to eat a fork full of food; my mom would open hers at the same time-----you wanna talk annoying??? lol--

she's not here anymore--part of her will always reside with me for as long as I live.

You're almost well and home--I'd let it be...........theo

[AAAAA]

First I’d take a deep breath. Then I’d ask myself? Will this make a difference in a year? If the answer is no, the just let it go. I do it myself to my own kids and my mother does it to me. When I do it to my own kids they’ll say “hey, let’s use this butter I have in my hand until we find some you like better” or “are these the skewers you’re talking about or do you have some new magic skewers that I don’t know about?”

I’m sure both of your nerves are shot. It’s difficult the mesh back together after living apart. I’m sure you want to go back to your own home, have your own space, and do what you want to do when you want to do it.

The end is in sight, perhaps not as quickly as you want it to be, but it’s almost over. As my father used to say “with all you’ve been through, you can finish the rest standing on your head, blindfolded, with your hands tied behind your back.” Fingers crossed for a good report on Tuesday.

[Perna]

I think your mother may be afraid she will forget and is use to telling herself these things! I would laugh and see if I could anticipate the next "do not forget. . ." out of her mouth and say it along with her.

[Fresia]

What Perna says works well, have used this many times, they humor of catching my mom as she says it. When I was younger my mom was notorious for doing this and still does it once in awhile. I had a counselor when I was in middle school tell her that "unsolicited advice is viewed as criticism," which was so true. She didn't mean it that way, not realizing but that's how these little reminders felt as if she didn't trust me to handle even simple things. She gradually stopped but still reverts once in awhile, I just have to say, "unsolicited" now and she laughs at herself, stopping again for awhile.

[jbug]

Thanks for your responses guys. I know I can count on you guys for you to step back and help me out.

I think part of it is we are just so different and being together 24/7 for 2 months is starting to wear her thin. Dad wants to go on a road trip tomorrow and I am going to suggest that I stay home and let home health come do their thing and mom, dad and grandma go do their thing on their own. I think that will help things. I told her on Friday when she did the thing with the corn that she wasn't giving me a chance to fail she told me she didn't expect me to fail. I thought to myself then shut up but knew better than to vocalize that.

I am just hoping and praying that I get to go home on Tuesday.

Jan

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by jbug

But I get so tired of being told to not forget something as I am doing it or just not getting yet. It's like she expects me to forget to do something and it is making angry.

How would you handle it?

How about responding, "don't worry, I'm one step ahead of you," and wave the skewers that are already in your hand or gesture toward the butter already on the table. With time, and your pointing out gently that you've already done what she is asking, maybe she will learn to trust you to be competent.

Jbug, I will keep my fingers crossed for you that you get to go home. You sound very ready to be on your own again! Hope the doctor thinks you are healed enough to be on your own.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by jbug

I can tell it is time for me to go home but it is all up to my doctor if I get to go home or not. I go see that doctor on Tuesday but I am scared he won't let me go home.

Anyway my mom and I are starting to butt heads. Thursday I was helping her set the table and we were having corn on the cob for one of our entrees and she said don't forget to put the butter on just as I had pulled it out of the fridge and then I was getting the corn thingys (the trays and corn skewers) and she tells me not to forget the skewers. I admit I had some attitude when I responded. But I get so tired of being told to not forget something as I am doing it or just not getting yet. It's like she expects me to forget to do something and it is making angry.

How would you handle it?

Jan

I walk over to my mom and give her a hug and say "gee I come up to your same height, all grown up now see" and my mom laughs and says "sorry for being a mother hen", and I say back "once a mother always a mother" and my mom says back "to death do us part" and we laugh.

I do this cause I know its been hard for my mom to let each one of us "babies" grow up and it was hard for her to cut the apron strings, Its also hard on my mom to realize my generation is a different generation of ways of life than hers was. In her day family stayed close and no matter how old you were you were still considered your parents children and mind your elders no matter how old you were. now days its so much different by the time kids are teen agers they are embarrassed to be seen with their parents let alone their parents remind them about something and gosh forbid if the parent leaned over and kissed or hugged you in public these days. LOL

so I try to honor my moms way of life and also found a gentle comical way to remind her Im all grown up now.

I go through that almost every day. Hearing "don't forget" or some other similar phrase sets me right off and makes me cringe. Try hearing "shut the door, don't let the dog out" as you are opening the door to leave. I just make an assinine comment back. No, I like it open. I want the birds to make a nest on top of the fridge". Works for me because holding things in and pretending to play nice drives me more crazy.

My mother also goes through this with her own mother and she ignores it and brushes it off as her mother being "old". So then we "butt heads" because we handle things differently and of course she thinks her way is better.

[(JD)]

Sigh.

Maybe do those things more quickly? Or perhaps TELL HER what you're getting or doing before she has a chance to remind you? (Little does she know that by saying "don't forget" the brain registers the "forget" ... it's best to say "remember..."

Of course, you could say, well if I forget something I'll then get it ...without attitude, of course.

[Crew]

Hey jbug,

I would handle it by stating as calmly as you can that you understand that she(your mom) showing her before she has the chance to say the next neg. thing.
Oh, btw, northerner if your truly from Arkansas. I grew up in southwest Arkansas, town with Southern Arkansas University in Magnolia.
Stayed mainly in the south though....nice to see Arkansas represented..

Hope this helps.....
Crew

[ECHOES]

Well, if I hadn't been living with her longer than I wanted to...
I might have held up the butter so she could see it and say "Got it!!", or I might be silly and say, "Well, I've decided that I am going to forget the butter today. I haven't decided yet about forgetting it tomorrow." , or I might tease and pretend to be thinking out loud and say "Hmmm, is this the very first time I've set the table?? No-o-o-o...."

jbug, it's perfectly fine to say that you are needing time alone and so you won't be going on the road trip with them.

[jbug]

I didn't go on the road trip with them yesterday and things were better today.

I am still staying out here another month til I go back in July to see Dr. Baker. I am a little disappointed I am not going home but it was my decision to not go home. I had the option but due to my state of mind lately (I have shrunk back into a depressed mode) it is better that I am out here among people. That way they can help monitor my food intake and such. They can also help me with my cravings. Mom knows when I craving a cigarette because I go get a blowpop out of my stash and start sucking on it.

I think mom and I are going to have to have a talk though because there are things that are driving both of us nuts about each other that we have to compromise on or we are going to go crazy or just blow up eventually.

Jan

I wish you success in working to communication better and the depression distress.